You are a victim here. All of us who are supporters are secondary victims. Don't feel ashamed that you are impacted. That is why it is so important that we get help for ourselves -- here and through professional therapists. I cannot speak for others, but I often feel that same anger that someone stole my happiness from me when he did this to my ex long before I ever met him. My ex has admitted to me that if it were not for the CSA, we would not have broken up. I am not angry with him that he is not ready to face his past. I cannot ask him to do something he is not ready to do. He has to face this in his own time. That is the importance of backing off -- we need to support these men we love and if they need space, we need to abide.
Issues like CSA are centered on control. Trying to tell them what to do and when is merely taking control from them again, as happened during the abuse. As women, we often behave like care-givers. We want to fix the problems in our man's life, but we need to realize we cannot do the hard work for them. They have to do it themselves. It's hard to accept, but backing off and giving them space is the right thing to do. To constantly remind them "we're here for them, we get it, we love them, we understand and want to help, but they need to go to therapy and talk about it," is basically stripping them of their armor. They have coped all these years by numbing and hiding the pain behind a wall that shields their emotions. Trying to have these conversations with them when they are not ready leaves them defenseless, bare and exposed without anything to shield the pain they have been hiding for years. The only defense they have left is to run. There is no negotiating with them about when they should face their pasts. Rather than traumatizing them by pushing them to do something they cannot do yet, we need to give them space so they can decide on their own that they are ready. It's hard to deal with the push and pull dynamic we often feel with survivors, but ultimately, giving him that space may be what shows him you do love him -- you're giving him what he needs.
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller
"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto