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#355010 - 02/27/11 03:10 PM He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*)
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Even as I write this, I can't stop the tears from coming down my face and all the heavy ache that I keep experiencing in my chest. I feel so alone right now and have no clue where to turn.

My husband of almost 4 years, is a survivor of sexual abuse, at the hands of his older brother. We've known each other for over 15 years now and grew up being friends. Our friendship blossomed as we got older and after college, a few years later, we married. I have known about the abuse for years though. From the very start. I've loved, supported and listened to him. I've held his hand throughout everything.

We have been each other's bestest friend, always.

He started seeing a therapist finally, this past Fall. It was shortly after I had found out about him having 'meetings' with another man in our area for a few months. He was acting out. He kept telling me that it was all just curiosity and/or sexual confusion. Being so sexually confused, especially when his 14 year old brother practically raped him at the age of 5 or 6. I could totally understand and sympathize. I promised to stay and work through it all.

Then, a couple months ago, I found out through his emails that he had been having more rendezvous' again with other men (thank you Craigslist for being such a dangerous tool) and with one other significant man for over a year! I completely lost it. He admitted it and confessed that he had a Sexual Addiction. He said he needed help.

In the midst of that night, I had also called his brother and confronted him. I was so angry. I had hated him for so long and how he ruined both our lives. He was speechless. He wanted to work things out with my husband, but has yet to call. my husband was grateful that I had done that, in the end, because he felt like it would never have come out otherwise. I regretted it immediately, but my husband said it had been a 'good thing.'

We found a 12 step program, and he's been attending SAA meetings every week, along with visits to his therapist every week. Unfortunately, his job requires him to travel so much. This past month alone, he's gone on 3 different trip alone. And today, he just left for another one that will have him in 2 more cities for a whole week. So, these meetings are not regularly attended at this time.

But, he tries.

3 months ago, he had brought our sex life to a halt. He explained that with his therapy and self-discovery, he needed to really examine and relearn intimacy. I accepted and sympathized. Of course, I found out during this 'halt' that he had been having those rendezvous' with those men. He said it was just oral. That he couldn't help it. It was an urge. A craving. THat it wasn't HIM.

We've tried being intimate in other ways. hugging. Cuddling. Kissing. I've tried to stay 'PG' for him. I didn't want to trigger anything or discourage his therapy or progress. We had grown closer than ever. For the first time in years, I had felt like my best friend was back. It's as if that moment of finding out about his Sexual Addiction and asking for help, helped us. Bringing everything into the light and being more 'honest' made us better.

Yesterday, as he was packing for his week long business trip, I thought I saw a spark. A twinkle in him. We finally were intimate. I was exasperated, but worried. I didn't feel right. I worried I might trigger something in him to 'crave' again. I don't know. But, in the end, he said that it felt right. That he was so happy.

Today, I found an email from someone to him. Someone he met through Craigslist while on a business trip the week of Valentine's Day. He was there on business, but during down time, he had looked for someone. He had told me in the past that while on trips he wouldn't find someone, due to fear of being in a strange city. The danger. Well, I guess he got past that.

The email led a trail of their correspondence. The usual 'picking up' introductions between people looking on Craigslist, I guess. The final email was from the guy. He said that he had a wonderful time with him. That he hoped to see him again. That he had never connected with someone like that before...

The blood bled right out of my veins and I feel so hollow.

I feel miles beyond betrayed. I feel abused myself... in a sense. My husband has been bringing 'other men' into our bed. After such a long journey to re-establishing a healthy intimacy, and finally being able to make love yesterday for the first time in months and not have him have an anxiety attack during, I find out that he's been with another. Again.

He called me moments ago, as he was getting onto a connecting flight and I was sobbing... I briefly told him.

He told me it wasn't what I was thinking. How can it not be?!?!

All the 'I love you's...' All the longing looks and smiles and reassuring hugs and loving touches from him over the past two months, trying to rebuild, just feel wasted and torn away... All replaced with lies, deceit, images of him with other men, images of me getting a disease, or what have you... I feel so stupid and worthless. So deceived and almost as if I deserve everything I'm getting, just for sticking with him. For being by his side.

How do I get through this long week. Another trip where he's away from home. Not knowing who he may be with. These trips are essential to his career at the company he's at, but they feel so toxic right now. I feel like they're a catalyst for our troubles. It's like opportunity.

I'm so haunted right now and I have no idea what to do. I've been seeing a therapist, but I feel like she doesn't really help. I love my husband, so much. More than anything. He is my best friend, but right now, it's all erased. The deception is too much.

How can he continuously lie to me? I've begged him to be honest. He had surprised me by being honest when he got back from that trip, by telling me about him having smoked pot while he had been away. He knows that it bothers me. But, he told me and I accepted. I was understanding. I listened and just passed it on. That was his only release from his hectic trip and work. I understood.

But, it wasn't his only from what I see.

I apologize that this is so long.. Where do I go from here?

Have any other spouses had this same problem with infidelity? I feel like we're on the right track, and then we get sidelined again... Does it ever get better? Do I throw in the towel? I can't decide...

I need to go dry my eyes...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#355017 - 02/27/11 04:24 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
sake134 Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ. Essex
I feel compassion for you and what you have and are going through, I felt that my wife does goes through it herself.. the cheating doesn't stop and she can't trust me even when their is the slightes doubt she is consciously aware of what it is all about.
Craigslist is indeed a danger for sexually abused CSA or adults in this case.
reading about others people's stories seems to help me and expressing oneself about your own stories seems to give some relief. going to therapy is helpfull and put an awareness out there for the abused to be aware of the sexual abuse which was perpetraded by other every day is helpfull. wakeup with it and you go to bed with it that I was sexually abuse or taken advantage off seems for me to help a lot too.
I feel for my wife, although the cheating is a long time ago but if I went on craigslist...I am still cheating...doesn't matter how you look at it..,
I have given multiple chances and it's very hard to balance one's life... but I believe by trying every single day and staying aware of what "the other" is up to is very helpfull.
It doesn't go away it will hunt you and you will have to deal with it one way or the other..
take it day by day I guess!
love


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#355023 - 02/27/11 05:37 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: sake134]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Please be careful being intimate with him for health reasons. And get tested!


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#355462 - 03/03/11 01:28 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: hopeandtry]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Thank you hope4him sake134 for your responses to my problem. Although, I do think the word problem, doesn't even begin to describe what my husband and I are going through.

I took a few days to really step away from everything and try to keep my mind busy since he's been gone all week on business. It drives me crazy. I can't sleep at night and worry about what he may be doing or not. Thank you time zone differences.

He comes home tomorrow night and we have resolved to go get tested, together, on Saturday. I refuse to live in fear like this.

What breaks my heart more than anything is the betrayal. Not even the fact that it's with another man, or that he's sexually confused and what have you. But, it's the actual act of betrayal. He is the only man I have ever been with. Call me a silly romantic, but when we got married, I always believed this was it. I was 'safe.' Now, I feel so cheated. I feel like I'm now susceptible to anything and anyone.

I keeps repeating to me that it is the sexual addiction that has him. That I can't possibly understand, but that he is in fact, trying. He says he's not conscious to what is right and wrong when he does this act. When he writes the craigslist listing. Or searches. When he's taking off his wedding ring and getting ready to go meet this person. Just thinking about him doing that act, taking the ring off and being so deceptive, makes me tear up again and just cry in anger.

I am trying to stay positive and supportive. I don't know where I'm going from here. I miss him terribly and feel like my best friend died, all over again when I found out.. I can't trust him at all right now. And, what's worse, is that he's always gone on trips throughout the month. Will my sanity stay in tact?!

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#355577 - 03/04/11 03:43 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Quote:
What breaks my heart more than anything is the betrayal.

I can so emphasize with that. The betrayal is also the worst for me.
My partner also said that his ss encounters where 'nothing more than masturbation'; just a fifteen minute act that means nothing. Why do you do that then? I wonder and it's a comment like that that makes me think there must be some compulsive behaviour/obsession/addiction behind it.

We're in quiet waters now, but I'm just waiting for the next storm to come in.


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#355580 - 03/04/11 04:08 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Shawushka]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Sometimes it's hard but you have to open your eyes...

It's his brother's fault...It's craigslist's fault...it's his career's fault.....etc....


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#355583 - 03/04/11 05:16 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: RecoveryReady1]
surflife2007 Offline


Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 43
I prefer honesty over monogamy. Any day.


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#355595 - 03/04/11 08:47 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
sake134 Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ. Essex
Hi,
you are a very special woman and I admire your tenacity!

The Cheater is cheating again...what do you do? especially if one has been diagnosed with DID. which I was... I have another personality which is young and able to seperate the repeated incidents (current) of the cheating and the reality of the older person who is not present as a whole person but went on vacation for an hour or so.
what i am saying is its possible that your husband has "dissociative Identity Disorder" (split personality) with at least 2 or more personalities present. if that is the case find a T with the knowledge of such only...not just anyone.? I am not sure but You may want to look into this a bit closer?
I never took my wedding band off, there was no quilt on his part because he deserve to do this "making me feel better" or "it won't hurt her" or "the urge is so high, and I need this now" etc. it's definitely betrayal, I was trying and failed for the first 8 years and craigslist is not helping us at all.
hang in there!


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#356074 - 03/10/11 12:09 AM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: sake134]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
@Shawushka:

The betrayal IS the absolute worst part of it. I was coming off a 'high' where I felt the few weeks after him defining his Sexual Addiction, we had begun to relate again. We were open to each other. We were talking more. I was starting to feel happy again because we were beginning to have a better 'intimacy' together. Not sexual, just soulful. The most important kind. We had begin to express how much we loved each other. Realizing we were on the verge of 'falling in love' with each other again. And then, BAM! Betrayal. I felt like my best friend had died. I was mortified.

I'm afraid to go back into 'quiet waters' again.. I afraid of the next moment I find out again. When my world gets torn apart, and I stop smiling again... The recovery from the blows are just so draining and tiring. It takes everything out of me to get back up and try again...

@RecoveryReady1: I try to remind myself all the time, that it's not him. It's so hard not to pin the anger and the resentment onto him. It's so hard not to look at him and just imagine him in my mind, doing what he has done. I'm such a visual person, and at times like these, I really hate it.It keeps me up at night. It haunts me at different moments of the day. I can be out with him, having a great moment together, laughing, smiling and then, boom, his smile triggers me to have a flashback and a thought, "is this how he has felt with all those other men? does he smile as he betrays me and meets with them...?" Then, I lose my good feeling... It's sad, I know.. But, I can't help it.

@Surflife2007: You're right... Honesty is better...

@Sake134: I read your response and started crying all over again. My husband came home last night from his therapy session and stated to me that they discussed the possibility of him having DID. I had to look at your name and realize you weren't my husband! I'm trying to understand what DID is though... I can't fully grasp what he does and/or the mindframe in which he does it. I don't think he does either, but in all honesty, I don't know if I can believe that either... The simple act of taking off his wedding ring, it gets me. Right in the heart.

I feel like that was absolutely deception. He said it was because he had never mentioned to the person that he was married and didn't want to 'lead him on.' ?!?! I can't get my mind around that... Is this his other personality. I can't grasp any of it yet... Where is my husband? Is he in there somewhere still or is this other person, the sexually confused one, the one who seeks out other men, is he now taking over?! Permanently?

I'm on this journey still... I'm trying.. But, my god, it's exhausting. I wonder, will I ever be happy again, without the paranoia of getting sidelined every few weeks...? When is enough, enough?

Thank you Sake134... My heart goes out to you and your wife. Craigslist, is definitely, a word I cringe at, everyday.

Strength and love to you all.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356163 - 03/11/11 12:27 AM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
(((hug))) hang in there, LostSpark.


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#356482 - 03/13/11 11:05 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
post has been removed


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#356554 - 03/14/11 06:00 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: timetoheal]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
timetoheal:

I had a chance to read your response last night, before it was removed. (BTW, I don't know why it was removed. I'm not sure if maybe someone else took offense, or what have you)

I do appreciate your comments though. And, like you said, everyone does have their own opinions. And people will either do the same, close to it, or the opposite of me, depending on their situation. You can never really judge until you have been in the exact same situation or close to it. That's all I can say.

But, thank you. I did consider what you said. All we can do is have faith, reflect and hope that God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, guide us in the right direction. That's what I'm doing. *smiles*

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356571 - 03/14/11 08:49 PM DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Lost Spark,

I'm pretty sure I play "the game" with someone who has DID, or multiple personalities. From the beginning, it's been pretty clear to me, even though I didn't know what it was. He laid out markers very clearly.

I can tell you, in his case, that neither his dominant personality, NOR his game-playing personality, actually has ANY INTEREST WHATSOEVER in the person he "plays" with.

He simply wants the activity, and doesn't care one whit who he gets it from, as long as he believes they are safe to play with. At the same time, he engages in duplicity with those he plays the game, in order to get them to play. If he has to tell them he's open to X, he'll tell them that. Then he'll backtrack after he gets what he wants.

Also, FYI, my friend's personalities have alot of conflict between them. They have VERY different desires and goals. They speak differently. They find different topics interesting. They each react differently to being touched or even having someone near them.

They will even speak badly of each other to me. No joke. Part of what I have spent time doing, is trying to discourage this, and encourage each part of him to appreciate the other. I don't like hearing a man tell me he hates literally his other half.

I don't know how many of them has, but I'm pretty sure he has at least 2, but wouldn't be surprised if he got one or two more. I know these two, and deal with them, on different levels, sometimes in the same conversation.

Allen a/k/a Pufferfish suggested I read "Fractured Mind" by robert Oxnam. I have. It's very helpful.

As far as one personality taking over permanently, from my observations, it seems unlikely for a minor personality to take over permanently. A minor personality just doesn't have the strength to overcome it's much stronger competitor. Plus, a minor personality, in my limited experience, doesn't have the life skills to be the dominant personality. He seems to be a niche personality.

I like my friend's dominant and weaker personalities. I like both of them. Each has his good points and weak points. I just really like them. They're both fun in their own ways.

D.







Edited by Disappointed (03/14/11 09:17 PM)
_________________________
Female.

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#356627 - 03/15/11 12:54 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Disappointed]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Disappointed:

Thank you for the insight.. I'm taking it all in and reflecting. Husband says that he took some assessment tests and really feels that this is not DID. Which makes him even more frustrated because he wants to really understand it.

He came out the other day stating stronger feelings of possibly being gay. He says he has strong attractions to men. And that females don't really attract him anymore. Physically, he said he's not able to be intimate with me. He's 'locked down.'

There's so much cloudiness and confusion. Where's the light? Is there any?

Is my husband gay? Or just really lost in the haze? My mind is spinning and i feel the physical act of someone shredding my heart apart. I'm trying to find strength. It's getting so much harder to, nowadays.

Thank you everyone for your support...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356640 - 03/15/11 02:42 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Lost Spark,

They definitely do not have a good perspective when they are hurting.

As far as being homosexual, well, ask Avery46 a/k/a Donnie a/k/a DJSport. For a VERY long time, thought of himself as homosexual, then realized he is heterosexual....

Best wishes,
D.

_________________________
Female.

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#356673 - 03/15/11 05:29 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
This is what happens: When a very small boy experiences abuse, the likelihood is that he will form DID (dissociative identity disorder). Several types of sexual abuse will produce a gay or homosexual alter (alternate personality) in the boy. Mother abuse also tends to produce a gay boy personality. They will have other alters which may or may not be gay.

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (03/15/11 09:36 PM)

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#356702 - 03/15/11 10:35 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
@Disappointed: Thank you for the information... I'll have to PM that member and hopefully he'll be willing to share a bit of his story with me..

Pufferfish: This may sound naive, but in what you have seen/heard, does the person who has DID, with a homosexual alter, 'choose' one or the other, or is there treatment to help with this condition? I'm grateful for your information and insight... As you can imagine, I'm lost here, but striving to understand as much as possible.

P.S.- You are all such gems of support and love. Thank you...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356704 - 03/15/11 11:05 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
Lost Spark,

The post was removed by me. Though I had shared that what was said by me was only my opinion and to take what you want and leave the rest.
I just felt I should remove it, because I didn't want to make you or anyone else feel any worse or feel as though I was judging or come across as harsh. We all really do need support and that is always my intent whenever I reply to a post.
You have to do what is right for you and only you can make those decisions.
Good Luck!
smile timetoheal


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#356795 - 03/16/11 08:06 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: timetoheal]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
timetoheal:

I never felt anything by it and I appreciated your view. Thank you for your honesty and for consideration.

Husband leaves for his Weekend of Recovery next week, and I am happy for him, but fearful of what may happen afterward.

Call me selfish if you will, but I don't want to lose my husband at all. I've been here since day 1, stood by him and gone through so much. But, I just hold hope, that we can get through it all. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356825 - 03/17/11 12:24 AM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Lost Spark
@Disappointed: Thank you for the information. does the person who has DID, with a homosexual alter, 'choose' one or the other, or is there treatment to help with this condition?


The damage is done to the little boy when he is a small child. It is like the Tsunami of child development. The choices were made for him by another person when he was too small to be responsible for making any choices at all.

Yes, it is treatable. A guy with DID can definitely be treated. DID is considered to be a treatable disorder. The different alters can come together during treatment. There can of course be some difficult emotions and memories to deal with. A competent therapist who understands the condition can help a great deal.

The process of therapy is well described in the book by Robert Oxnam: The Fractured Mind.

Allen


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#357084 - 03/19/11 01:24 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
cpt. confusion Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
deleted


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#357085 - 03/19/11 01:30 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: cpt. confusion]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Just a quick update to everyone.. My husband came out to me last night, completely. Said he is in fact Gay. That he just feels it. It's done. I'm pretty much done... Packing up some things as we speak to stay at my parents home for a few days, while they're away on a trip... I can't feel anything right now. Just pain. And anger...I need some time to grieve and just really reflect on all of this. I'm just broken right now.. Absolutely broken and abandoned.

Was I ever truly loved?


I'll update later... My love and hugs to all of you..

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#357089 - 03/19/11 02:25 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Lost Spark
Just a quick update to everyone.. My husband came out to me last night, completely. Said he is in fact Gay. That he just feels it. It's done. I'm pretty much done... Packing up some things as we speak to stay at my parents home for a few days, while they're away on a trip... I can't feel anything right now. Just pain. And anger...I need some time to grieve and just really reflect on all of this. I'm just broken right now.. Absolutely broken and abandoned.

Was I ever truly loved?


I'll update later... My love and hugs to all of you..

Lost Spark


If he has DID/MPD and declared that to you, then what it means is that the particular alter or personality who was talking at that time was gay. The thought is that if he has other alters, which he apparently does, then they may not all be gay. You have to learn how to recognize his different alters and even learn how to talk to them as though they were different people. You have to relate to them separately as though they were different people.

Allen


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#357090 - 03/19/11 03:25 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
Dear Lost Spark,

I'm pretty sure I play "the game" with someone who has DID, or multiple personalities. From the beginning, it's been pretty clear to me, even though I didn't know what it was. He laid out markers very clearly.

Is it a "game"?
Is he, or one of him, a child?
Does one communicate better than the other?
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

I can tell you, in his case, that neither his dominant personality, NOR his game-playing personality, actually has ANY INTEREST WHATSOEVER in the person he "plays" with.

Is that you? Is it like a child playing a game, where they don't have a permanent interest in the "game"?
Are you too interested in your own interests to be able to cultivate the deep relationship with him which would draw him out?
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

He simply wants the activity, and doesn't care one whit who he gets it from, as long as he believes they are safe to play with. At the same time, he engages in duplicity with those he plays the game, in order to get them to play. If he has to tell them he's open to X, he'll tell them that. Then he'll backtrack after he gets what he wants.

Sounds like a child in an adult body. Are you talking about sexual games? How do you convince him that you are safe? Are you safe? Is it duplicity? or are there more than one alter "out" at at time? So he's playful? When he trusts you others may emerge.
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

Also, FYI, my friend's personalities have alot of conflict between them. They have VERY different desires and goals. They speak differently. They find different topics interesting. They each react differently to being touched or even having someone near them.

Of course they have conflict. That's how they were generated. It's like a little boy making play friends. He makes up one to 'send to the door to answer the dangerous stranger'. The other one hides under the bed. Then they go on from there. One becomes a 'door-going personality', the other becames an 'under the bed hiding personality'.
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

They will even speak badly of each other to me. No joke. Part of what I have spent time doing, is trying to discourage this, and encourage each part of him to appreciate the other. I don't like hearing a man tell me he hates literally his other half.

What are their names? Have you asked them?
Don't jump the gun. The last thing that happens is that they learn to accept each other and then coalesce. The smaller or the younger ones if you get to know them will be easy to deal with. They get coalesced first.
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

I don't know how many of them has, but I'm pretty sure he has at least 2, but wouldn't be surprised if he got one or two more. I know these two, and deal with them, on different levels, sometimes in the same conversation.

The pattern would be to have perhaps 2 outer or public personalities with a bunch of clandestine alters or personalities. A lot of them would be children. They would be very shy about going public. There might be a protector alter who is interested in maintaining the "system" and doesn't like to show himself. He will not be easy to find and he may try to trash your efforts at trying to penetrate the "system". Depending on how long the abuse went on, etc., there might be a bunch more alters.
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

Allen a/k/a Pufferfish suggested I read "Fractured Mind" by robert Oxnam. I have. It's very helpful.

http://www.amazon.com/Fractured-Mind-Multiple-Personality-Disorder/dp/1401308686/
Originally Posted By: Disappointed

As far as one personality taking over permanently, from my observations, it seems unlikely for a minor personality to take over permanently. A minor personality just doesn't have the strength to overcome it's much stronger competitor. Plus, a minor personality, in my limited experience, doesn't have the life skills to be the dominant personality. He seems to be a niche personality.
http://www.amazon.com/Fractured-Mind-Mul...0751&sr=1-1
I like my friend's dominant and weaker personalities. I like both of them. Each has his good points and weak points. I just really like them. They're both fun in their own ways.
D.

So you recognize those clear differences. There must be other differences. Those things are just how they relate to you personally. What are the other qualities? Make a secret list.

Allen


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#357237 - 03/21/11 07:21 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
cpt. confusion Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 159
Loc: midwest
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Edited by cpt. confusion (03/21/11 07:21 PM)
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#357238 - 03/21/11 07:22 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: cpt. confusion]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Pufferfish:

He says he doesn't have DID. Or any kind of Alter. He says its just him. That this is him. He's gay. I really can't say anything else. He's completely shut down on me. Unemotional. Stone faced. Only holds me or touches me if I ask... It's like he's checked out of 'us' completely. I think he has said every painful thing in the book to me, to pretty much tell me, he doesn't see me 'that' way anymore, it doesn't feel right anymore and that he wants to be with a man now. That this is it. He won't ever change.

How do I argue with someone compeltely different from who I met before. He's cold. Unhappy. Distant. His personality, habits and everything else about his demeanor has changed.

He leaves for the Weekend of Recovery this week. I'm still flying in on Sunday to pick him up from the retreat and be there as his friend, but honestly, I don't even see a speck of my friend in him anymore. That breaks my heart more. I miss my husband who loved me. Who was loving, caring, giving, emotional to some extent (I know Survivors are unable to fully express their emotions, I totally love and feel for you men) and who was my best friend in this lifetime as well. He's changed. Completely. He lies, habitually now. He acts out and sees men like nothing now. No respect for me. He says one thing and does another.

I'm trying to cope...but how?

He says the marriage is over I guess...

Love,
Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#357266 - 03/21/11 10:22 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
It's typical for DID's to deny that they have it. It's kind of built into the DID structure to deny. Secrecy. Maintaining a cloak of denial. And who knows. Since it's hard to spot, even for therapists, they might be right. Most of the guys in MS who have DID have the light kind called DIDNOS. They don't experience an amnestic alter (a secret alter) who goes out and buys toys or something. They remain basically the same person all the time but they might shift identity in a more subtle way. They can be in therapy for years and the T never sees but the one.

Allen


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#357281 - 03/22/11 12:12 AM Re: [Re: pufferfish]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
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Edited by Robbie Brown (03/22/11 11:14 PM)
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#357308 - 03/22/11 08:07 AM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Originally Posted By: Lost Spark

How do I argue with someone compeltely different from who I met before. He's cold. Unhappy. Distant. His personality, habits and everything else about his demeanor has changed.
....

He's changed. Completely. He lies, habitually now. He acts out and sees men like nothing now. No respect for me. He says one thing and does another.

....

Love,
Lost Spark


THIS is EXACTLY what I dealt with the first year I knew my friend. The habitual lying, the complete changes in demeanor, zero respect, saying one thing and doing another. But of course, I was coming at him from the opposite direction: being the person he wanted to play online and in person fetish games with.

It was very hard going, and I broke him of it. It took a very long time, and I was thrown like a rodeo rider off a bull, many, many, many times. We still have a difficult thing going, but it is still going, and he trusts me more and more, but not in person. When in his dominant mood, he still gets very nervous around me in person, and does whatever he can to avoid me.

He does have different personalities, and it's very hard to talk them differently because they are co-conscious. So whatever I say to one of them, both of them hears. It's like trying to cook a nice loaf of bread in a kettle of boiling soup. Impossible!

D.



Edited by Disappointed (03/22/11 08:12 AM)
Edit Reason: Clarification
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#357311 - 03/22/11 08:18 AM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
It's typical for DID's to deny that they have it. It's kind of built into the DID structure to deny. Secrecy. Maintaining a cloak of denial.

They can be in therapy for years and the T never sees but the one.

Allen



THIS is something I've wondered about. My friend was in therapy as a child (around 12?), and now in his late 30s for at least a couple of years. But I do get the impression the alters do not speak to the therapist.

Which makes me want to speak to them more.

Allen, as always, you are a great help.

D.

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#357362 - 03/22/11 05:37 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Disappointed]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
"We still have a difficult thing going, but it is still going, and he trusts me more and more, but not in person. When in his dominant mood, he still gets very nervous around me in person, and does whatever he can to avoid me."


Well, that really stands out to me. Same in my situation...generally avoids being around me in person and he has given me the indication (perhaps even said outright) that I make him nervous especially in person. So, text and email and the occasional phone call it is!

P.S. I cannot figure out how to do quotes on here like everyone else does!!


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#357374 - 03/22/11 07:20 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: hopeandtry]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Just an update on my situation:

Husband is leaving tomorrow morning for the Weekend Recovery (He has business meetings set around the area beforehand)... And, I know he's really looking forward to it.

I, on the other hand, am a big ball of emotions. Everything sets me off, knowing that my marriage is over.. He's out and he's happy. I guess I can respect that, not love it, yet, but I can respect it. I'm just heartbroken. 3 and a half years. Gone. And to go with it, our friendship... It suffered much of the blows, cheating, lying. I feel like the man I once knew, got to know, befriend and base our foundation on, is gone.

I have decided to not go to San Francisco and meet with him.. I'm staying behind. This was such a difficult decision for me to make. I love him so and want to be there for him, but it's going to be so painful. Hours spent in the car. Same hotel room for days. I don't think my heart and mind can take it. I feel so bad though, because I was supposed to be his ear. His ally. He's going to come back from this weekend, with clarity, new visions and so much more. And I won't be there...

I have mixed emotions and feel guilt and devastation and remorse for becoming such a victim.

That's all for now... a week and a half without him. How will I go on?

Today, I truly feel like my name...

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#357375 - 03/22/11 07:53 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Lostspark, I am so sorry! Did you come to the decision together? Please take care of yourself during this time!!! We are all here supporting you!!!


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#357376 - 03/22/11 08:02 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: sally123]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Hang in there...and know we are here to support you! Do take care of yourself like sally said. Can you find something to do that is just for you? Maybe rediscover yourself through an old hobby?


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#357453 - 03/23/11 02:26 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: hopeandtry]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I don't have all the answers.

Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iHJfIH20TY

or this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1sXbnBmy8U&NR=1

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (03/23/11 02:33 PM)

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#357461 - 03/23/11 04:25 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: sally123]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Sally, we didn't come to this decision together... It's just pretty much him telling me, "I'm gay... I'm sorry. That's all. I don't feel that way anymore.. I like men. I want a relationship with a man... It's how I've always felt..."

And that's pretty much it. He's got his shield up and doesn't really show anything to me. No emotion. No remorse. No true sincerity... And to just separate. I mean, what else is there to do?! He just keeps reiterating to me, "you'll find someone who can love you... a true husband... be strong..."

It just doesn't help at all... I had the rug pulled out from under me.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#357463 - 03/23/11 04:36 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Thanks Pufferfish..

We actually discussed the DID, and he reiterated to me, strongly, that it's not what he has. I never pushed it on him or really felt that way either, but, I guess he just wanted me to just accept that this is it I guess...

So many Acting Out episodes have happened in just the last 7 months or so.. Everything never came spiraling out of control like this... We've always dealt with his emotions. But, the cheating has just gotten worse. He went to meet with a 'regular' he always seeked out for 'acting out' in our area, this past Sunday. He said it was just to talk. he got personal. Told him what we were going through. His 'coming out' to me and the guy listens and sympathizes I guess. What does he do next? Asks my husband to come back to his place.

At his most vulnerable time and he gets propositioned. Yes, husband didn't reject it, but, he says he's not sure why he did it. He felt like, 'he owed him' for coming out to talk to him... He said he wanted to 'see what it's like' to be out now and explore? He gives me these reasons and "i don't knows' constantly... I told him he pretty much allowed himself to be 'abused' again..

He's cold with me. Not very loving AT ALL. I need comfort. Love and care. I've given him and shown him that, unconditionally, for years.. 15 years of being his best friend and 10 years of being his partner/then his spouse! Where's mine now? I'm out in the cold...

Forgive me everyone, but I am so angry... It's taken me 3 therapy sessions to finally say it. I am angry... hurt, furious and just in pain. And, sadly, I don't think he cares.. He just wants to move on.

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#357489 - 03/23/11 07:03 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Allen,
I just viewed them. Very helpful. Integration fears: illuminating.

Thanks,
D.

_________________________
Female.

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#357494 - 03/23/11 07:22 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Here's one with Robert Oxnam. Including footage of him rollerblading with the bottles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUDbB5zB9xY&feature=related

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#357517 - 03/23/11 11:37 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Disappointed]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
Here's one with Robert Oxnam. Including footage of him rollerblading with the bottles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUDbB5zB9xY&feature=related


That's a good one. Very helpful.

Allen


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#357605 - 03/24/11 09:57 PM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I don't know why we have to be ashamed of DID or multiple personality disorder. Of course there are occasionally some people who have alters or personalities who misbehave, and do so in a way that gets the person in trouble. But really that is very, very rare. The press and media have occasionally gotten hold of this issue and done damage. But how is that any different than the problems others without DID in our society have when they get in trouble?

But DID or multiple personality disorder is not a spooky thing at all. It's not as though the person is different people or anything. The movie Sybil dramatized the problem but also communicated some misunderstandings. They (DIDs) are first of all people who have suffered a lot, usually at a tender age. They have developed the different personalities or alters to deal with abuse in their lives.

What if we did this with a major disease like cancer? When I was a boy cancer was greatly feared. It was actually communicated to me that it might be a communicable disease. Yet that idea was completely wrong. It (cancer) was looked upon with great fear. The fear could potentially lead to lack of treatment or inadequate diagnosis. It would hurt those who suffered with it because it would make the disorder something reprehensible. Yet at this point most cancers are successfully treated. I read in one of my text books that occasionally people were so ashamed of their cancer that they didn't seek treatment. The analogy holds true for DID or multiple personality disorder. It is a treatable disorder. Although exact figures are lacking it would appear that most DID sufferers are highly treatable. Lack of understanding and compassion makes it a lot harder for them.

Allen


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#357644 - 03/25/11 10:23 AM Re: DID or multiple personalities (*TRIGGERS*) [Re: pufferfish]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Allen! Who said you should be ashamed?!?!?????!!!!! Not me!!!!!

Gosh!!! You're projecting here, my friend!

Oh - & I watched "Inception" yesterday.

Not sure I get how it is similar to MPD, because in the movie, the people moved through different states of facts, but each person dreaming, always remained themselves. It was the people AROUND them that changed. Which is different than MPD, where the "I" identifies as a different person, but those around you are the same.

As I understand it.



Edited by Disappointed (03/25/11 10:27 AM)
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