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#355010 - 02/27/11 03:10 PM He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*)
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Even as I write this, I can't stop the tears from coming down my face and all the heavy ache that I keep experiencing in my chest. I feel so alone right now and have no clue where to turn.

My husband of almost 4 years, is a survivor of sexual abuse, at the hands of his older brother. We've known each other for over 15 years now and grew up being friends. Our friendship blossomed as we got older and after college, a few years later, we married. I have known about the abuse for years though. From the very start. I've loved, supported and listened to him. I've held his hand throughout everything.

We have been each other's bestest friend, always.

He started seeing a therapist finally, this past Fall. It was shortly after I had found out about him having 'meetings' with another man in our area for a few months. He was acting out. He kept telling me that it was all just curiosity and/or sexual confusion. Being so sexually confused, especially when his 14 year old brother practically raped him at the age of 5 or 6. I could totally understand and sympathize. I promised to stay and work through it all.

Then, a couple months ago, I found out through his emails that he had been having more rendezvous' again with other men (thank you Craigslist for being such a dangerous tool) and with one other significant man for over a year! I completely lost it. He admitted it and confessed that he had a Sexual Addiction. He said he needed help.

In the midst of that night, I had also called his brother and confronted him. I was so angry. I had hated him for so long and how he ruined both our lives. He was speechless. He wanted to work things out with my husband, but has yet to call. my husband was grateful that I had done that, in the end, because he felt like it would never have come out otherwise. I regretted it immediately, but my husband said it had been a 'good thing.'

We found a 12 step program, and he's been attending SAA meetings every week, along with visits to his therapist every week. Unfortunately, his job requires him to travel so much. This past month alone, he's gone on 3 different trip alone. And today, he just left for another one that will have him in 2 more cities for a whole week. So, these meetings are not regularly attended at this time.

But, he tries.

3 months ago, he had brought our sex life to a halt. He explained that with his therapy and self-discovery, he needed to really examine and relearn intimacy. I accepted and sympathized. Of course, I found out during this 'halt' that he had been having those rendezvous' with those men. He said it was just oral. That he couldn't help it. It was an urge. A craving. THat it wasn't HIM.

We've tried being intimate in other ways. hugging. Cuddling. Kissing. I've tried to stay 'PG' for him. I didn't want to trigger anything or discourage his therapy or progress. We had grown closer than ever. For the first time in years, I had felt like my best friend was back. It's as if that moment of finding out about his Sexual Addiction and asking for help, helped us. Bringing everything into the light and being more 'honest' made us better.

Yesterday, as he was packing for his week long business trip, I thought I saw a spark. A twinkle in him. We finally were intimate. I was exasperated, but worried. I didn't feel right. I worried I might trigger something in him to 'crave' again. I don't know. But, in the end, he said that it felt right. That he was so happy.

Today, I found an email from someone to him. Someone he met through Craigslist while on a business trip the week of Valentine's Day. He was there on business, but during down time, he had looked for someone. He had told me in the past that while on trips he wouldn't find someone, due to fear of being in a strange city. The danger. Well, I guess he got past that.

The email led a trail of their correspondence. The usual 'picking up' introductions between people looking on Craigslist, I guess. The final email was from the guy. He said that he had a wonderful time with him. That he hoped to see him again. That he had never connected with someone like that before...

The blood bled right out of my veins and I feel so hollow.

I feel miles beyond betrayed. I feel abused myself... in a sense. My husband has been bringing 'other men' into our bed. After such a long journey to re-establishing a healthy intimacy, and finally being able to make love yesterday for the first time in months and not have him have an anxiety attack during, I find out that he's been with another. Again.

He called me moments ago, as he was getting onto a connecting flight and I was sobbing... I briefly told him.

He told me it wasn't what I was thinking. How can it not be?!?!

All the 'I love you's...' All the longing looks and smiles and reassuring hugs and loving touches from him over the past two months, trying to rebuild, just feel wasted and torn away... All replaced with lies, deceit, images of him with other men, images of me getting a disease, or what have you... I feel so stupid and worthless. So deceived and almost as if I deserve everything I'm getting, just for sticking with him. For being by his side.

How do I get through this long week. Another trip where he's away from home. Not knowing who he may be with. These trips are essential to his career at the company he's at, but they feel so toxic right now. I feel like they're a catalyst for our troubles. It's like opportunity.

I'm so haunted right now and I have no idea what to do. I've been seeing a therapist, but I feel like she doesn't really help. I love my husband, so much. More than anything. He is my best friend, but right now, it's all erased. The deception is too much.

How can he continuously lie to me? I've begged him to be honest. He had surprised me by being honest when he got back from that trip, by telling me about him having smoked pot while he had been away. He knows that it bothers me. But, he told me and I accepted. I was understanding. I listened and just passed it on. That was his only release from his hectic trip and work. I understood.

But, it wasn't his only from what I see.

I apologize that this is so long.. Where do I go from here?

Have any other spouses had this same problem with infidelity? I feel like we're on the right track, and then we get sidelined again... Does it ever get better? Do I throw in the towel? I can't decide...

I need to go dry my eyes...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#355017 - 02/27/11 04:24 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
sake134 Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ. Essex
I feel compassion for you and what you have and are going through, I felt that my wife does goes through it herself.. the cheating doesn't stop and she can't trust me even when their is the slightes doubt she is consciously aware of what it is all about.
Craigslist is indeed a danger for sexually abused CSA or adults in this case.
reading about others people's stories seems to help me and expressing oneself about your own stories seems to give some relief. going to therapy is helpfull and put an awareness out there for the abused to be aware of the sexual abuse which was perpetraded by other every day is helpfull. wakeup with it and you go to bed with it that I was sexually abuse or taken advantage off seems for me to help a lot too.
I feel for my wife, although the cheating is a long time ago but if I went on craigslist...I am still cheating...doesn't matter how you look at it..,
I have given multiple chances and it's very hard to balance one's life... but I believe by trying every single day and staying aware of what "the other" is up to is very helpfull.
It doesn't go away it will hunt you and you will have to deal with it one way or the other..
take it day by day I guess!
love


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#355023 - 02/27/11 05:37 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: sake134]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Please be careful being intimate with him for health reasons. And get tested!


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#355462 - 03/03/11 01:28 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: hopeandtry]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Thank you hope4him sake134 for your responses to my problem. Although, I do think the word problem, doesn't even begin to describe what my husband and I are going through.

I took a few days to really step away from everything and try to keep my mind busy since he's been gone all week on business. It drives me crazy. I can't sleep at night and worry about what he may be doing or not. Thank you time zone differences.

He comes home tomorrow night and we have resolved to go get tested, together, on Saturday. I refuse to live in fear like this.

What breaks my heart more than anything is the betrayal. Not even the fact that it's with another man, or that he's sexually confused and what have you. But, it's the actual act of betrayal. He is the only man I have ever been with. Call me a silly romantic, but when we got married, I always believed this was it. I was 'safe.' Now, I feel so cheated. I feel like I'm now susceptible to anything and anyone.

I keeps repeating to me that it is the sexual addiction that has him. That I can't possibly understand, but that he is in fact, trying. He says he's not conscious to what is right and wrong when he does this act. When he writes the craigslist listing. Or searches. When he's taking off his wedding ring and getting ready to go meet this person. Just thinking about him doing that act, taking the ring off and being so deceptive, makes me tear up again and just cry in anger.

I am trying to stay positive and supportive. I don't know where I'm going from here. I miss him terribly and feel like my best friend died, all over again when I found out.. I can't trust him at all right now. And, what's worse, is that he's always gone on trips throughout the month. Will my sanity stay in tact?!

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#355577 - 03/04/11 03:43 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Quote:
What breaks my heart more than anything is the betrayal.

I can so emphasize with that. The betrayal is also the worst for me.
My partner also said that his ss encounters where 'nothing more than masturbation'; just a fifteen minute act that means nothing. Why do you do that then? I wonder and it's a comment like that that makes me think there must be some compulsive behaviour/obsession/addiction behind it.

We're in quiet waters now, but I'm just waiting for the next storm to come in.


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#355580 - 03/04/11 04:08 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Shawushka]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Sometimes it's hard but you have to open your eyes...

It's his brother's fault...It's craigslist's fault...it's his career's fault.....etc....


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#355583 - 03/04/11 05:16 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: RecoveryReady1]
surflife2007 Offline


Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 43
I prefer honesty over monogamy. Any day.


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#355595 - 03/04/11 08:47 PM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
sake134 Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ. Essex
Hi,
you are a very special woman and I admire your tenacity!

The Cheater is cheating again...what do you do? especially if one has been diagnosed with DID. which I was... I have another personality which is young and able to seperate the repeated incidents (current) of the cheating and the reality of the older person who is not present as a whole person but went on vacation for an hour or so.
what i am saying is its possible that your husband has "dissociative Identity Disorder" (split personality) with at least 2 or more personalities present. if that is the case find a T with the knowledge of such only...not just anyone.? I am not sure but You may want to look into this a bit closer?
I never took my wedding band off, there was no quilt on his part because he deserve to do this "making me feel better" or "it won't hurt her" or "the urge is so high, and I need this now" etc. it's definitely betrayal, I was trying and failed for the first 8 years and craigslist is not helping us at all.
hang in there!


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#356074 - 03/10/11 12:09 AM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: sake134]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
@Shawushka:

The betrayal IS the absolute worst part of it. I was coming off a 'high' where I felt the few weeks after him defining his Sexual Addiction, we had begun to relate again. We were open to each other. We were talking more. I was starting to feel happy again because we were beginning to have a better 'intimacy' together. Not sexual, just soulful. The most important kind. We had begin to express how much we loved each other. Realizing we were on the verge of 'falling in love' with each other again. And then, BAM! Betrayal. I felt like my best friend had died. I was mortified.

I'm afraid to go back into 'quiet waters' again.. I afraid of the next moment I find out again. When my world gets torn apart, and I stop smiling again... The recovery from the blows are just so draining and tiring. It takes everything out of me to get back up and try again...

@RecoveryReady1: I try to remind myself all the time, that it's not him. It's so hard not to pin the anger and the resentment onto him. It's so hard not to look at him and just imagine him in my mind, doing what he has done. I'm such a visual person, and at times like these, I really hate it.It keeps me up at night. It haunts me at different moments of the day. I can be out with him, having a great moment together, laughing, smiling and then, boom, his smile triggers me to have a flashback and a thought, "is this how he has felt with all those other men? does he smile as he betrays me and meets with them...?" Then, I lose my good feeling... It's sad, I know.. But, I can't help it.

@Surflife2007: You're right... Honesty is better...

@Sake134: I read your response and started crying all over again. My husband came home last night from his therapy session and stated to me that they discussed the possibility of him having DID. I had to look at your name and realize you weren't my husband! I'm trying to understand what DID is though... I can't fully grasp what he does and/or the mindframe in which he does it. I don't think he does either, but in all honesty, I don't know if I can believe that either... The simple act of taking off his wedding ring, it gets me. Right in the heart.

I feel like that was absolutely deception. He said it was because he had never mentioned to the person that he was married and didn't want to 'lead him on.' ?!?! I can't get my mind around that... Is this his other personality. I can't grasp any of it yet... Where is my husband? Is he in there somewhere still or is this other person, the sexually confused one, the one who seeks out other men, is he now taking over?! Permanently?

I'm on this journey still... I'm trying.. But, my god, it's exhausting. I wonder, will I ever be happy again, without the paranoia of getting sidelined every few weeks...? When is enough, enough?

Thank you Sake134... My heart goes out to you and your wife. Craigslist, is definitely, a word I cringe at, everyday.

Strength and love to you all.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356163 - 03/11/11 12:27 AM Re: He Keeps Cheating...(*TRIGGERS*) [Re: Lost Spark]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
(((hug))) hang in there, LostSpark.


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