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#354778 - 02/24/11 11:25 PM Just gettin' it off my chest
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
I have always been active in church, from the time I was a little kid. Though I did experience some inappropriate contact (I consider it one of my three instances of abuse) with a church vicar when I was 13, I remained active in church throughout my life. While serving in the Air Force, I was born again (sorry if that makes some of you uncomfortable) and went on to marry a wonderful Christian girl. Together we were always active in church, culminating in my becoming the praise and worship (music) leader and vice chairman of the administrative board, while my wife played guitar, keyboard, and piano, and became the church treasurer. Long story short, following an ugly church split, we found ourselves looking for a new church.

During this hiatus, I gave in to the deep-seated SSA I'd been dealing with since I was a kid. This all but tore our family and life apart. Then, driving home following a counseling session, I blurted out that I'd been abused.

All that background info to get to my point: I have so much anger and resentment I can't stand it. For like 37 years I have prayed to have this SSA go away, yet here it still is. I can't pray anymore. Feel like I'm talking to a wall. I envy the people who say they have "heard" God speak to them and/or heal them of something. Am I doomed to suffer with this attraction for the rest of my life? Is this what God wants for me? At the risk of destroying my wife, kids, career, everything? I can't believe that. But then why can't I shake this? I've always been taught that God won't allow us to face more adversity than we can handle, but I don't think I can handle this anymore.

I no longer know what to believe. I've stopped attending church with any amount of regularity; just go often enough to try to make my wife happy (we're in a new church where she is the pianist and I want to support her). When I do attend, I leave with a headache.

Anyone else experience anything like this? Thanks for all; sorry for being long-winded.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#354790 - 02/25/11 12:22 AM Re: Just gettin' it off my chest [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
These modern AMERICAN churches are so flipin full of themselves they make me want to puke. Heaven help them if they were EVER to pick a shovel or a hoe and build a garden (literally AND figuratively). The death of self-enthrallment yet to find its bottom...these fools, wearing the "LOOK AT ME...I'M a CHRISTIAN and DOING STUFF FOU YOU pins won't do a thing about anything that does not meeting with their worldly view of their worldly plan. "Don't expect me to do a short-term mission in WV or GA when I can go to Ruanda (its quite exotic you know). Call them "Christians," but don't expect them to de-rail their flat-screen lives for the Lord or brothers in ANY way.

I have reached out from the blackest of tar-pit in begging for help from those very people whom bang the table saying we've got to do something real....only to be handed down to Jane whom handles such shit.

After YEARS of this I've given up of the fellowship with the liars. I've got serious healing to do. All they have done is set me back by years.

The Bible, Jesus and God will NEVER fail me, so I'll hang with them for the balance of my life thank you very much. I'm sorry to say, "my Christian brothers were never Christian brothers to begin with." I now carry a sword of truth and I will not allow the liars to pollute my path.

I'm sorry I have very little (OK no) regard for Christians simply playing dress-up and driving their Mercedes 500SLX to church and get terribly concerned that they get a space away from "those cars."

I use to believe the greatest American Natural Resource was white trash. Today, I can see clearly now, It hypocrites. Don't darken my doorway...ever.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#354849 - 02/25/11 10:10 AM Re: Just gettin' it off my chest [Re: Still]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 838
Loc: Kc,Mo
i am at work i will hit this topic up when i get off work .

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#354876 - 02/25/11 12:50 PM Re: Just gettin' it off my chest [Re: Still]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Rob.

It's been a long time. Hope you're doing okay.

I'm trying to process what you've shared, and I'm not sure if you were responding directly to my post or not. My issues with relationships (or lack thereof) with believers within the church are a whole different matter. My frustration, no, agony right now is that I can't experience God. I have tried to serve him through it all, but I don't feel Him, I don't hear Him, and frankly I'm not even sure He's anywhere around. That's all I was trying to say.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#354879 - 02/25/11 12:51 PM Re: Just gettin' it off my chest [Re: nltsaved]
WriterKeith Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 930
Loc: southern California
FT,
I can feel the frustration resonating through your words. I too have grappled with CSA issues while Heaven remains silent. I'll try to briefly share a hard lesson I have learned. (Sorry if it sounds a bit "preachy," just cut this former minister some slack!)

Faith teaching, especially Christianity, fills us with hope and trust in the possibilities of what "could be" for our lives. Some doctrines teach that anything is possible and if it doesn't, it is we who fall short. We get blamed. This doesn't work for innocent victims of any crime or injustice because it clearly suggests that God is allowing, condoning, or inflicting intentional torment on us for his own pleasure.

Simultaneously, life is reality, the "what is" of life. The "what is" contradicts "what could be." Perpetual optimists struggle with this as well. Additionally, the>
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#354926 - 02/25/11 09:20 PM Re: Just gettin' it off my chest [Re: WriterKeith]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Thanks, Keith.

Seems like you really KNOW what I'm feeling. I appreciate the advice and your understanding.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top


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