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#35461 - 11/18/03 05:35 PM Want to end it all
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Okay, I'm being selfish again, but it's all about me.

My life is falling apart and I'm really down about it. I will not act on the feelings I have at present, but I must say, I feel like throwing it all away, ending it all, killing myself.

I am such a hypocrite, being a cheerleader for people when I feel like I want to die.

What does it matter anyway? I asked myself, what purpose do I have? None. I haven't done one GODDAMN thing worth while. Some days I feel great, others I feel like crap. My life is collapsing and why should I even give one sweet damn anyway?

As I said, I won't act on this, I've gotten a challenge from God and all, but what's the point? My life is hell and I don't see any way out. I am a lodestone on my family and friends and I cannot bring myself to care anymore.

Sorry brothers, it just hurts too much today. I'm crying as I write this. Is anybody there? Does anybody care?

Scot \:\(

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#35462 - 11/18/03 06:00 PM Re: Want to end it all
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
Scot,

Quote:
Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
I'm here. I care. I hurt and I cry for and with you.

Tom

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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#35463 - 11/18/03 06:03 PM Re: Want to end it all
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
fully understand what you're saying... and I just keep telling myself to keep going....

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#35464 - 11/18/03 06:18 PM Re: Want to end it all
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I'm listening Scot. Been there myself. I know it won't come as any great comfort, but it WILL get better.

Eric


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#35465 - 11/18/03 07:10 PM Re: Want to end it all
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
scot,
i hope you read the post i did elsewhere about the image of the expanding horizon and its impact on my life. i wont go into the stary again here (stop the cheering guys \:D !!!), but i will tell you that this image is one theologian's perception of the relationship with our Father in heaven inasmuch as the journey we go through is driven by that draw to the horizon and that every step, or every inch we crawl brings us one step closer. the horizon is always beyond our reach not because it is pointless, but because it is the ongoing souce of hope. someday we will embrace the horizon and our journey will be complete in that sense, but until then we look to the horizon and reach for it. this is a prayer that was entrusted to me many years ago that incorporates the image of that theologian i value so much. the prayer was entrusted to me in the sense that i believe God gave it to me to write and to share. peace, my brother, and reach for the horizon.


Of the earth
And of our hands
This,
Which is holy
That we might find strength
To listen, that we might learn
To hear, that we might remember
To reach, that we might yet stand

That we might yet stand
To embrace the
Law
Of our
Surrender
As we
Serve
On our
Path
All of the
Earth

So be it (i.e. Amen)

i wrote this from memory and i know it is somewhat incomplete, but the essential prayer i was given is there.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#35466 - 11/18/03 07:17 PM Re: Want to end it all
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hi Scot,

I am here, and I care.

I have read many of your posts, you have done things worth a damn.

Hang in there brother,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#35467 - 11/18/03 07:18 PM Re: Want to end it all
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
You are not a load on anyone, and in your depressed state probably have no clue as to how much you enrich people's lives by being you. I would very much recommend you see a doctor and discuss how you are feeling. Do not minimize your feelings when going for help. State things just like you have on this board. You are appreciated and valued. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#35468 - 11/18/03 07:35 PM Re: Want to end it all
dan_in_newengland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/01
Posts: 161
Loc: Mass
I care, I understand, and hope to hear from you soon

Dan


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#35469 - 11/18/03 08:51 PM Re: Want to end it all
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
I know how much the pain can affect you and push you to that edge brother. I was there just a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn't so much that I wanted to die, but that I just wanted to escape the pain, the memories, and all the bullshit running through my head.

Speaking from experience, (I ended up in the psych ward this time, and the other time I tried to end it back in high school) it just makes it worse in some way.

Regarding the whole "hypocrite" thing, I know what you mean, but my therapist once said that the things we say to others is really what we need to hear ourselves. So every time you have replied to me, it is something you have needed to hear. Every time you have boosted someone's spirits in hear, or reached out to them, or encouraged them, or thanked them for their honesty... it is something you needed to hear as well. Maybe that helps you reframe it somehow.

I hope so. And I am here for you... you know I am. We all are here for each other.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#35470 - 11/18/03 08:55 PM Re: Want to end it all
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
I care, Scot.

Warmth,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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