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#355044 - 02/27/11 09:25 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: cbfull]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Okay fellas, that's it I surrender. I can't do this by myself. I don't wanna try anymore its too much to manage without the help of a professional.

Thanks to the suggestion of checking United Way, I found a couple places nearby that look promising. One of them boasts EMDR. I need to do this right.

Thanks

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#355073 - 02/28/11 01:42 AM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: cbfull]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Craig,

Best of luck with your new job, that indeed can be a very good thing to focus on.

Gary


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#355102 - 02/28/11 12:44 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: 1.healing]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
P.S. I didn't see your last post, good luck too pursuing therapy, you deserve to feel better.

Gary


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#355115 - 02/28/11 01:57 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: cbfull]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Glad things seem well.

and flashbacks can happen once twice or many times, or you can get flashback on different parts of abuse.

There is no one way to get flashbacks.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#355265 - 03/01/11 04:51 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: michael Joseph]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: michael Joseph

There is no one way to get flashbacks.

Well said. We all experience them in our own unique way. Once triggered, my flashbacks recur on a daily/hourly basis, and just will not leave me alone. This continues to the point that it takes a massive toll on my self esteem, and I all but completely lose touch with my own identity. I catch myself doing it everyday now.

I had a thought today that perhaps now would be an excellent opportunity to start taking notes of my destructive though patterns, and later rereading the list to replace each one with an appropriate and realistic substitute. It has worked wonders for me in the past, haven't really felt the need to do it again... until now.

I find my thoughts being pulled into approval-seeking patterns. I remember literally years spent approval seeking in the past and it got me nothing but deep relentless pain. I estimate that I have probably spent a total of 10 years of my life seeking approval of someone emotionally unavailable. That's a heck of a long time spent rejecting my own identity. The resulting damage is unquestionable.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#355282 - 03/01/11 07:34 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: cbfull]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
craig hope u r doign well

and flashbacks are not too severe
or reaccuring

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#355291 - 03/01/11 09:20 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: michael Joseph]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
A therapist called me back today for a brief phone interview, and she is trained in EMDR. She is very thoughtful and even gave a list of questions to ask my insurance company once I start work.

Oh yeah, I couldn't start work today because my HR person has been out sick and nobody can find my pre-hire paperwork. Ugh!!

Thank you for the great suggestion Gary, I found this therapist through the United Way website!

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#355322 - 03/02/11 08:52 AM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: cbfull]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
A couple very important things came to me last night while I was trying to fall asleep.

1) He is being so nice to me because he desperately needs to alleviate his own feelings of guilt over how he has/is handling everything, especially the secret relationship.

2) It appears I have a terrible tendency to become frozen in the denial phase of grief. I take any communication and only look for reassurance of love and/or possibilities of whatever it is I need to see to allow me stall pain/sadness/anger/acceptance.

I did some googling and found a few threads from some fellas wondering if there is any future with their meth addicted partner. The outlook is not good. I suppose if my ex were some kind of screw up it might not be so bad (what do I know anyway), but he is VERY intelligent, very ambitious, and nobody understand each other like we do.

Its a terrible terrible loss. I wish that drug would stop destroying lives.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#355334 - 03/02/11 11:36 AM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: cbfull]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Craig,

Glad I was able to help. Hope that you can start your job soon, as you've said, work can be a healthy distraction. The therapist sounds promissing, would she be available/affordable prior to the insurance kicking in? Insurance and healthcare, such a complicated matter in our country, too bad as too many are in need and suffer, but that's a whole other issue...

Years ago, when I was actively alcoholic, I was in a relationship with another alcoholic guy. Long story short it was a disaster on so many levels and was just a train wreck so many, many times. There was also attraction, connection, love and good things too, but mostly it wasn't right or healthy. After many breakups and separations we each moved on and that process itself was very hard, but it was what we needed and a better choice for both of us.

I'm sorry that you've been going through your own hard time, but I know you can make it through it. Hang in there and keep focused on working your recovery, you'll get where you need to be and life will get better. Your ex needs to work his own too, if he's able. Sadly you're right, meth is very destrutive and leaves it's users and others so damaged. As you say "It is a terrible, terrible loss". It's noble that you want to help him, but he needs to help himself, others can't do that for him, including you. As you've said, he's smart, so I'm sure he knows what needs to be done to get better. Even then, as you know from your own experience, recovery isn't easy and takes a lot of time, so there's a long road ahead of him. Somewhere, far along, on that road there may be a place for a renewed romantic relationship together, and maybe not. Seems there's a lot of work to do first though.

Again, I think you're on the right track, stay with it and things will continue to get even better for you.

Gary



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#355343 - 03/02/11 12:45 PM Re: Ex-bf and flashbacks [Re: 1.healing]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Gary,

Thank you for relating. I too was abusing alcohol as a result of losing my job, also being lost and afraid as to how to deal with my meth addicted partner. I described my alcoholism to the new therapist over the phone, and sure assured me that under the circumstances it seems that it was not an addiction but abuse. The fact that I was able to quit once I got out of the situation and begin to heal emotionally is what tells her its not an addiction. The reason she needed to make that differentiation is that she does not provide counseling for addiction. Her clients must be facing their trauma without addictions.

That was very reassuring because I have managed to quit all of my addictions since I got out of that house.

There's another important piece that I have not been sharing, mainly because its shocking and I didn't want to draw focus away from my present crisis.

In November of 2009, after a day of heavy drinking, my ex decided to take some action. He was high on meth, and decided to pick a fight with me. He began taunting me repeatedly, and then when he saw that he was getting the reaction he wanted, he got in my face and was shouting "come on! You want to hit me? Do it! I dare you!" I gave him an open-handed slap (it was a hard slap) and then went to bed. I was awaken by handcuffs and being read my rights. I spent 24 hours in the county jail and was forced to move out due to a restraining order.

What a horrible, horrible thing for him to have done. There's only one thing that makes me feel like there is hope for all that has transpired. If he can get off the meth, I can forgive him for all of it.

Him telling me he wants to quit opened the floodgates for me. Last night I began to suspect that he was relapsing, and a strange feeling of indifference came over me. I knew that if he is using again, there's no point in worrying about any future we might be able to have.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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