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#354569 - 02/23/11 12:24 PM Where do I go?
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
I would love for this question to be addressed by a male survivor, however, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this site and am a loved one of a survivor (girlfriend, but at times roommate). I have stood by him because I have been blessed to see the man he wants to be. However, the journey is a most difficult one where at times I feel like throwing in the towel. I will keep fighting as long as he keeps fighting. My question is...during his "episodes" where do I go in his mind? Outside of them, he is the most caring, affectionate man toward me, and I know I sense the genuineness of his love toward me. But during these difficult times, I become someone completely different to him. He withdraws and distances himself from me. Every time he says that he can't give me what I need and that I deserve better. He "runs" and is ok with leaving me alone for the weekend with no explanations. We enjoy being outdoors and out on the lake...those times become nonexistent. Again...where do I go in his mind? I've never judged or criticized him. I've only loved him and have been as patient as I can. Thank you for any feedback.

Vicki


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#354698 - 02/24/11 02:17 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
"running" is typical for me. i can do it without even leaving the house.

as for me --- I love my wife - as much as I can understand "love". we can be confused because of the trauma we have endured.

i never want to be without my wife --- but my actions do not convey that message.

counseling can help.


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#354701 - 02/24/11 03:02 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: Sobernow]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Thank you, Sobernow. Yes, he "runs" in both manners, sometimes actually leaving and sometimes being right there in the house. Your response of "as much as I can understand 'love'" hits really close to home, as he has expressed his troubles of giving and receiving unconditional love.

Again, thank you. Your response has shed some light =)


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#356900 - 03/17/11 03:42 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Wow, aloved1, I've been wondering the same thing, but haven't been able to put it so eloquently. When he checks out, I wonder, "Does he even remember that we laugh and have great conversations and special times together?" I know that he remembers that he loves me, but it can sometimes feel like the opposite.

Thanks also to you Sobernow. As someone "new" to this experience, any insight from a survivor is so appreciated.


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#356906 - 03/17/11 04:23 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Also, Sobernow, it is really comforting to hear that even in those times of "running," you love your wife. Thanks for sharing that.


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#356922 - 03/17/11 05:37 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Yes NOlA, you've definitely come to the right place to gain some insight and understanding. And to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this! I know he loves me...it's just I've always wanted to know, as I posed in my topic...where do I go? I understand Sobernow's response. It's loving us the best that they know how to love. It's trusting us the best that they know how to trust. It's like putting the emotional pieces of the puzzle together at a later time in their life, which is hard for us partners, as we as women are emotional creatures. But in the meantime comes understanding, patience, encouragement, support...and DO NOT forget to take time for yourself as well =)


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#356924 - 03/17/11 06:02 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Aloved1, sorry that your having to go through this. I as a victim of CSA know exactly whats going on with you friend. I at 49 years of age am currently in my longest relationship to date...going on 10 months. That's twice as long as the next longest. We have ended it once already but got back together after my continually checking on her to see if she was alright. I felt so bad that I had brought her into this hell that I live in. After several days of calling checking on her I ask if she wanted to go out to eat. We did and here we are dating again. Can't explain how I can walk away and feel relieved in a way at not being in a relationship. I think is just so hard to make myself be in a relationship is easier to just stay away.......


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#356925 - 03/17/11 06:15 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: aloved1
I would love for this question to be addressed by a male survivor, however, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this site and am a loved one of a survivor (girlfriend, but at times roommate). I have stood by him because I have been blessed to see the man he wants to be. However, the journey is a most difficult one where at times I feel like throwing in the towel. I will keep fighting as long as he keeps fighting. My question is...during his "episodes" where do I go in his mind? Outside of them, he is the most caring, affectionate man toward me, and I know I sense the genuineness of his love toward me. But during these difficult times, I become someone completely different to him. He withdraws and distances himself from me. Every time he says that he can't give me what I need and that I deserve better. He "runs" and is ok with leaving me alone for the weekend with no explanations. We enjoy being outdoors and out on the lake...those times become nonexistent. Again...where do I go in his mind? I've never judged or criticized him. I've only loved him and have been as patient as I can. Thank you for any feedback.


Reading spousal and S/O accounts of survivor behaviour here is totally confusing to me. Its been two years since I was sneak-attacked by my wife and her satanic attorney. So many of you see the work we do, see the dedication, see the love and see us through the healing-hell to a new day and a new relationship. All I can say to those of you wives who do stick with us for all the right reasons...all the good and all the careing you bring, is "thank you...you are amazing."

_________________________
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#356930 - 03/17/11 07:49 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: wayne9]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Hi Wayne9, when you make the decision to walk away, do you miss her? Since you guys reconciled, it seems like the temporary relief of not being in a relationship may not have been stronger than your feelings for her. Does that sound right to you?


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#356932 - 03/17/11 08:37 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Robbie Brown: as the wife of a Survivor, you have brought tears to my eyes at your response. The last week or so has been the hardest for him and I. The word 'seperation' has been tossed around so much and I feel like he just wants to 'run away'. Here I was thinking that it was just that he wants to quit 'us.' I keep feeling so abandoned and he's completely shutting down on me lately. No emotions can come out of him (he's always had a problem with sharing them), he seems so distant and not even here.

I've always wondering where 'I go..' when he's checked out of here. I know he's lost and confused. As am I now. But, this makes so much sense from what everyone has contributed. But, your thanks, made me smile and feel a little more appreciated for what I have been going through and have endured with him. I just wish those words would come from him...

NOLA & aloved1,

I feel your pain... I feel like all us wives, are sisters as the Survivors on here have accustomed to calling each other brothers in this long painful journey to recovery. I am so proud of their bravery and courageous efforts at healing themselves. And I am so grateful to all you women/partners who have dedicated to standing by your Survivor...

Thank you everyone...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#356942 - 03/17/11 10:28 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: Lost Spark]
surflife2007 Offline


Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 43
Lost spark: you took the words right out of my mouth.


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#357000 - 03/18/11 01:06 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: Lost Spark]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Lost Spark....Yes I missed her but was more concerned with was she alright. I felt guilt for putting her in a place where we had grown closer together. We have been friends for 30 years. Her husband had passed we starting dating then I tell her about my problems. She is very understanding. As far as my feelings, I think its more of a relief somewhat because I feel I have to work so hard at being in the relationship. My T has said I have ssa, I am co-dependent, I have a bad porn addiction that I am working on and somewhat successful right now. I struggle with a problem of not wanting to be away from my close friend (male but not a sexual relationship)very much. We have been friends for more than 20 years. He is single and we spend a great deal of time together. I know this is not a normal thing for two grown men to do but we have been there for each other for so long. When I am with Her I worry about is He lonely or does he have anything to do. When I with Him I worry am I neglecting Her as in being in a relationship. I know its a messed up life but I am so use to it being that way I feel uncomfortable when its different.

Tim



Edited by wayne9 (03/18/11 01:20 PM)

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#357003 - 03/18/11 01:58 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: wayne9]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Hi Wayne9, Thanks again for your insight, especially that last sentence. I often wonder why someone who recognizes that the current situation is "messed up" would or may find it tempting to choose to maintain the status quo instead of breaking free. Your last sentence reminds me of that saying, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't." I applaud your efforts in trying to break out of that comfort zone and wish you the best. smile


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#357016 - 03/18/11 03:29 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Thank you Wayne and Robbie Brown for your insight! Wayne, your input about it being hard work in the relationship makes a lot of sense. On top of the shame and guilt that my boyfriends says he expresses at things, including pushing me away, he has made comments about not having to bring me into his cruel world. That he'd rather go at it alone. But I know in my heart of hearts that he doesn't truly want to be alone. We have tried breakups but we always find our way back to each other and are at 4 years together now.

Robbie Brown, thank you for saying what you said. I love him so much and am not here to hurt him in any way. I am in this for the right reasons. I have faith in him and in this journey, and the steps he's taken encourage me just as much as I hope I'm encouraging him.

Lost Spark, well said! I do feel that sisterly connection on here. It is a unique sisterhood that I'm sure all of us wish we weren't a part of, but as I've stated before, we are here for a reason. And I'm just thankful for this site and to "meet" people like you to know that I am not alone. Thank you ladies! And to you survivors for your input. I wish you all the best of luck on your journeys!!!!


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#357024 - 03/18/11 05:45 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I know to an outsider this looks crazy but even though I want my life to be normal I fear the change from what is "my normal". At 49 years old I guess I have grown accustom to what my life is. I really think what hurts is that I have always excelled in most aspects of my life. I am successful in my business, I have a great group of friends, I have hobbies that I am good at. But failing when it comes to personal relationships really hurts my confidence. What I am about to say may be too personal or to explicit for some so I apologize....When in a relationship with a female, when it gets to the point of sex I am a failure. I have no problems with erection it's ejaculation that I have problems with. Most times it never happens and then I feel so down on myself. I seem to fall into a downward spiral for days after this happens.

Tim


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#357028 - 03/18/11 06:20 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: wayne9]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Hi Wayne9, My guy has issues with sex, too. To be honest, it really bothered me at first. I thought that it was a rejection of me--that he didn't find me desirable. But, since I've become aware of the symptoms and issues with CSA, it honestly doesn't bother me at all. I love him and want to be only with him. If it gets to the point, through recovery, that we can have a sexual relationship again, that would be great, but I also can see me having a great future with him without it. He's so much more to me than that.


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