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#354569 - 02/23/11 12:24 PM Where do I go?
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
I would love for this question to be addressed by a male survivor, however, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this site and am a loved one of a survivor (girlfriend, but at times roommate). I have stood by him because I have been blessed to see the man he wants to be. However, the journey is a most difficult one where at times I feel like throwing in the towel. I will keep fighting as long as he keeps fighting. My question is...during his "episodes" where do I go in his mind? Outside of them, he is the most caring, affectionate man toward me, and I know I sense the genuineness of his love toward me. But during these difficult times, I become someone completely different to him. He withdraws and distances himself from me. Every time he says that he can't give me what I need and that I deserve better. He "runs" and is ok with leaving me alone for the weekend with no explanations. We enjoy being outdoors and out on the lake...those times become nonexistent. Again...where do I go in his mind? I've never judged or criticized him. I've only loved him and have been as patient as I can. Thank you for any feedback.

Vicki


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#354698 - 02/24/11 02:17 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
"running" is typical for me. i can do it without even leaving the house.

as for me --- I love my wife - as much as I can understand "love". we can be confused because of the trauma we have endured.

i never want to be without my wife --- but my actions do not convey that message.

counseling can help.


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#354701 - 02/24/11 03:02 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: Sobernow]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Thank you, Sobernow. Yes, he "runs" in both manners, sometimes actually leaving and sometimes being right there in the house. Your response of "as much as I can understand 'love'" hits really close to home, as he has expressed his troubles of giving and receiving unconditional love.

Again, thank you. Your response has shed some light =)


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#356900 - 03/17/11 03:42 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Wow, aloved1, I've been wondering the same thing, but haven't been able to put it so eloquently. When he checks out, I wonder, "Does he even remember that we laugh and have great conversations and special times together?" I know that he remembers that he loves me, but it can sometimes feel like the opposite.

Thanks also to you Sobernow. As someone "new" to this experience, any insight from a survivor is so appreciated.


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#356906 - 03/17/11 04:23 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Also, Sobernow, it is really comforting to hear that even in those times of "running," you love your wife. Thanks for sharing that.


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#356922 - 03/17/11 05:37 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Yes NOlA, you've definitely come to the right place to gain some insight and understanding. And to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this! I know he loves me...it's just I've always wanted to know, as I posed in my topic...where do I go? I understand Sobernow's response. It's loving us the best that they know how to love. It's trusting us the best that they know how to trust. It's like putting the emotional pieces of the puzzle together at a later time in their life, which is hard for us partners, as we as women are emotional creatures. But in the meantime comes understanding, patience, encouragement, support...and DO NOT forget to take time for yourself as well =)


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#356924 - 03/17/11 06:02 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Aloved1, sorry that your having to go through this. I as a victim of CSA know exactly whats going on with you friend. I at 49 years of age am currently in my longest relationship to date...going on 10 months. That's twice as long as the next longest. We have ended it once already but got back together after my continually checking on her to see if she was alright. I felt so bad that I had brought her into this hell that I live in. After several days of calling checking on her I ask if she wanted to go out to eat. We did and here we are dating again. Can't explain how I can walk away and feel relieved in a way at not being in a relationship. I think is just so hard to make myself be in a relationship is easier to just stay away.......


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#356925 - 03/17/11 06:15 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: aloved1]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6510
Loc: Terminus
Originally Posted By: aloved1
I would love for this question to be addressed by a male survivor, however, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am new to this site and am a loved one of a survivor (girlfriend, but at times roommate). I have stood by him because I have been blessed to see the man he wants to be. However, the journey is a most difficult one where at times I feel like throwing in the towel. I will keep fighting as long as he keeps fighting. My question is...during his "episodes" where do I go in his mind? Outside of them, he is the most caring, affectionate man toward me, and I know I sense the genuineness of his love toward me. But during these difficult times, I become someone completely different to him. He withdraws and distances himself from me. Every time he says that he can't give me what I need and that I deserve better. He "runs" and is ok with leaving me alone for the weekend with no explanations. We enjoy being outdoors and out on the lake...those times become nonexistent. Again...where do I go in his mind? I've never judged or criticized him. I've only loved him and have been as patient as I can. Thank you for any feedback.


Reading spousal and S/O accounts of survivor behaviour here is totally confusing to me. Its been two years since I was sneak-attacked by my wife and her satanic attorney. So many of you see the work we do, see the dedication, see the love and see us through the healing-hell to a new day and a new relationship. All I can say to those of you wives who do stick with us for all the right reasons...all the good and all the careing you bring, is "thank you...you are amazing."

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#356930 - 03/17/11 07:49 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: wayne9]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
Hi Wayne9, when you make the decision to walk away, do you miss her? Since you guys reconciled, it seems like the temporary relief of not being in a relationship may not have been stronger than your feelings for her. Does that sound right to you?


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#356932 - 03/17/11 08:37 PM Re: Where do I go? [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Robbie Brown: as the wife of a Survivor, you have brought tears to my eyes at your response. The last week or so has been the hardest for him and I. The word 'seperation' has been tossed around so much and I feel like he just wants to 'run away'. Here I was thinking that it was just that he wants to quit 'us.' I keep feeling so abandoned and he's completely shutting down on me lately. No emotions can come out of him (he's always had a problem with sharing them), he seems so distant and not even here.

I've always wondering where 'I go..' when he's checked out of here. I know he's lost and confused. As am I now. But, this makes so much sense from what everyone has contributed. But, your thanks, made me smile and feel a little more appreciated for what I have been going through and have endured with him. I just wish those words would come from him...

NOLA & aloved1,

I feel your pain... I feel like all us wives, are sisters as the Survivors on here have accustomed to calling each other brothers in this long painful journey to recovery. I am so proud of their bravery and courageous efforts at healing themselves. And I am so grateful to all you women/partners who have dedicated to standing by your Survivor...

Thank you everyone...

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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