My question to anyone who has gone through a 12-step is how does that work? With drugs or alcohol, success is measured in days free from your dependency. With a sex addition, are you expected to be celibate? If so, is that a realistic goal? Thanks.

J

In SAA (www.saa-recovery.org) there is an exercise called "Three Circles" where you define:

a) the specific behaviors that YOU want to abstain from, (Inner Circle) (mine are M'bation, porn, seeking sex outside my relationship)

b) the behaviors that are in the "gray" area (Middle Circle)
(my middle circles are any kind of isolating or zoning out with food, tv, and avoiding exercise, connection, and recovery activities) and

c) the healthy, affirming behaviors you want in your life. (Outer Circle) (my Outer Circles are communication, knowing my feelings, exercise, working the Steps,

Getting 100% HONEST about these specific behaviors helps reduce the shame and power they have, particularly in a group setting like SAA meetings where other men have similar issues.

I found a period of abstinence (40 days) key to this process as well: it helped me stop the chaos while reviewing honestly my history of addiction and abuse, the faulty attitudes, broken relationships, etc. that fueled my sexual compulsions, and discovering what was beneath all that escapism and frustration. I read lots of books in this period, and started to connect with a deeper, sustaining sexuality that I still possess to this day.

It is just too abusive for me to go back, no matter how powerful those old solutions may appear in the moment. I am a stronger, better man for working thru this.

MB, thanks for your explanation of the 3 circles exercise. It sounds logical and helpful. I'll give it a try. Thanx, Oldguy

for me - my 12-step boundary was

NO porn
No masturbation
NO sex outside of marriage - including emotional affairs
Progressive victory over lust

Thanks for all the wonderful encouragement. I am 21 days as of today. Half way to the 40. My first week was easy the last two have been alot tougher but I am still staying strong, thanks to everyone here. I am looking forward to being free of the inner circle once and for all. If anyone is interested to know my low point before I started just read "Blood on my hands" It is a poem I wrote about my low point. SAA recommended that I document the low point so I could measure my progress. I admit I am having a harder and harder time reading it but it is a very good motivational tool. One weak minute and I could be right back there Yuck Mike

I am finally finding some traction on this. I have been compulsively mb 3-4 times a day since I can remember, probably about 5 or 6, I am now 43. It has been through a long period of treatment for PTSD. As I gained coping mechanisms, I was able to identify harmful mechanisms and drop them. I dropped alcohol from September 1, 2010. I have been sober from porn with minor relapses for about 2 months.

A major breakthrough for me was when I realized that what I was really trying to do was normalize, to make ok, what was done to me and my reactions. I had already come to realize that what happened to me was the actions of a depraved, evil SOB that should have been strung up for what he did. His actions were evil, pure and simple. My own reactions were not those of a sick little pervert, but normal reactions of a wounded little boy trying desperately to survive and cope with evil. Nothing more, nothing less. No amount of porn and stories can change that.

Having made my peace, I now rarely MB (I joke with my wife that I broke up with Rosy ), I have gone on long stretches of no porn and I am stretching them even longer. I did go through a period of abstaining while I healed. The result is that I am actually present when making love to my wife. We actually do it more and my wife is more natural and present with me. I am happy for you Mike13. It is truly amazing to me because I never thought this level of healing was even possible much less realistic.

I'll second that one catfish. Once I realized that by compulsive mb-ing to porn I was incessantly repeating the trauma in a desperate attempt to take control of it and make it all turn out ok, it just kind of lost it's grip on me. After a few months of the addiction seriously intensifying, it has now been at least a couple of weeks, since I came to that realization, and I am finally feeling like I've left it behind. I've been porn-free since then. I know relapses are always a danger, but I now feel like I have some tools with which to fight the temptation and get back to relating to real people.

You go, Mike!

George

If you think about most porn, they are making it seem fun to be abused and that there is nothing wrong with it. I am done with that...it wasn't fun it was horrifying.

Mike, Thanks for bringing up this topic. The discussion/insights are very helpful.
SD