I was on with a friend here recently, talking about a job searching experience I had heard, when I realized EXACTLY what I struggle with: I feel like a 6 year old boy around adults, and I feel I've got this "obvious" SA monkey on my back. I dodge eyes with them (I feel shame as I write this), won't maintain relationships with people not in recovery, and ....I'm even fearful I AM a six year old boy,......but.....this can't go on, can it? What should I do? What can I do? Am I just being impatient?

The background: I lost my job in February of last year. I soon dove in here at MS again, found some safety with many like minded men, and my ritual has been sharing, hiding, hiding some more.....job searching sometimes, working on resumes, hiding some more...... A few months in, after some soul searching, I reconsidered a career change, started looking into it, started T, dove into T, then BAMMM!!! more feelings/memories came out of the bag.....

Honestly, I'm scared right now. Finding jobs can/could be easy. But getting THROUGH this jungle of "who and what am I today?" is cutting down my sights of being successful. I did start with a new T last week, we met today....but we didn't do EMDR yet.

I'D RATHER SIT, FEEL, SHAKE, CRY, BAWL MY EYES OUT.......than continue this game of "who do I wanna pretend I am today?". Who is Alfred? I thought--I've seriously thought him hopeless with regards to job success, but it's revolving around beliefs by my mom, who severely criticized me.

HELP!! Is it ever going to get better? Will EMDR or T take the blinders off? Will I feel six forever? Will I ever feel like an adult near my wife again?

I feel like such a mess today, unsure if I'm being heard, unable to process everything. I know it's late, but.....I had to vent this out. Goodnight.

Alfred

Alfred,
I wish I could bottle and sell your words because they are right on the mark.

I know all too well how difficult it is to interview for a job when I'm hiding everything about myself. The interview is the time to toot your own horn, but then there are the voices of shame smothering out the sales pitch.

There is a way through this, if we will persevere.

Thank you for those kind words Keith. Thank you.

Alfred

I felt kind of ashamed telling you that Keith, of being vulnerable, but I'm (sometimes) very concious of what and how I write. I felt ashamed and fearful right after I wrote the original post, and your words were very encouraging to me. Thank you for giving that to me. Very much.

Alfred

I am a little late to this thread but it fits exactly what I am feeling right now.
I am sitting with my resume in front of me. It needs some serious updating and I need to get it done today. I decided that if I was going to procrastinate any more, I would at least do it in a constructive (as opposed to destructive) way by reading some of the MS forms.

I always feel that if I sell myself too well on paper, how am I going to deliver when I get to a face-to-face interview. The pressure to 'perform' triggers me- and I feel like I am 9 again - passive, insecure, and just wanting to be liked. Not very professional or confident!
I know that resumes and job interviews suck for everyone- but it is made so much worse when your perception of your self has been scrambled by CSA.
I guess I need to get back to 'pretending who I am'....

Thanks for making me feel less alone Alfred!

fhorns,
How about a report? How are you doing? What steps have you accomplished in your job search?
We're with ya.
Keith

Keith, I've been in conflict with myself about replying, for my norm........isn't being emotionally honest with guys. I read this last night, but didn't have enough time to respond. I have wanted (and then been terrified) of being......honest. Here goes.

I've surrendered to the truth that MY emotional honesty is paramount to being successful, at least where I've sought success. My whole life I put different masks on, and often (maybe always) it was for mere survival, to maintain the position. As of late, in the last 3 months, I haven't done any job searching. To explain this, LAA9's comment of 'pretending who I am' has cut my feet out from under me time and time again. I'd get out there, be triggered by something, feel insecure, and then search for someone's approval/encouragement---feeling and acting like a six year old. Every job search has been (in reality) a search for something, usually someone, who was more secure than me, like a parent figure. There has been a load of shame I've carried in knowing/feeling that in recent years, but the variety of classes I'd encounter being a substitute teacher allowed me to hide well enough. People knowing me was and has always led to me sabotaging any efforts to pursue something new in the field. Because keeping distance has always seemed mandatory.

I've looked into other fields, specifically social services, for years due to its inherent demand for emotional honesty, but again, this was a search to save myself. And the field requires a degree of maturity......still, I've been drawn to it.

However.....something I've known I have to follow, but don't know how it would happen is........doing missionary work. I got a calling in 1999, and have never followed it. I assume I'd be motivated if I was around those who had succeeded doing it, but................doubts/FEARS prevail currently. "How could we manage? Would I be able to handle it? Will I doubt myself? Will I be open/obedient to God? Will I survive by lying, once again, to everybody around me?" It sucks when the answers are so plain and so simple, but...........submitting is huge. I'm not kidding there. Submission is an act, not a mere passing thought, to me. I know personal missionaries, but I've not emailed or called them in 10 years since I've walked into the CSA recovery. I don't know how to handle that one. But, I know--I just know that that's my longer term goal.

But, what have I decided? That it's time to focus on what I've avoided my whole life. Avoiding it takes 90% of my energy, so focusing on feeling it is, ironically, freeing me more than I suspected. For...it's not every day I feel pain, encourage it, feel like I got my butt kicked (for a while),...then feel better (????) I find NO logic in that, but....it works. And part of me feels heard/real/alive when I allow it.

I wonder who else has done this. I'd like to know I'm not alone.

BTW Keith, I never replied to your "Affect on Career" post, but I soaked up all the stuff written, for it all makes sense. It was well worth the effort to read, and it took some as I sat there saying "yes, me TOO."

Thanks for asking.

Alfred

LAA9,

You replying encouraged ME!! Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. I could almost feel the fear and frustration in your comments, for it sounded like me. Yes....

THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING UP. We're not alone. You're newer here, so thank you for sharing your fears and vulnerabilities with us, for when you and others do, I receive this same message:

"I'm not alone".


Thank you.

Alfred

Hey, Alfred,
Bottom line is, you're doing the work, you're taking the steps no matter how hard they are, you're confronting the challenge, and you're making progress.

And, on top of it all, you're finding a way to make some ca$h for necessities. Hold your head high.

Success is not in the destination, it's in the journey.