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#35416 - 11/18/03 11:33 AM Taking in water with each gulp of air
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Taking in water with each gulp of air

That's pretty much how I feel right now. Just too many things hitting me lately... lets see, here are a few

thanksgiving
thanksgiving with happy families
christmas
christmas with families
the loss of our cat a few weeks ago
supervisor getting let go (who I really liked)
the constant daily drama of work
the constant daily drama of my finances
trying to get out of this job
trying to start my new career in massage
my own fears about everything in life
the anxiety that plagues me on a daily basis
the threat of protests here in miami
mp3.com is going down where I displayed my music for the world to hear.


Ahhh that's a good start to the list. Probably forgeting other things.

But then yesterday after having a very successful chair massage event on saturday, I got an email from my classmate/friend who set this one up saying the people were dissatisfied with my touch, etc. What I saw was that everyone enjoyed it, loved it and even commented on it. I did not get the impression during the day that anything was wrong. I'm pretty tough on myself anyway and would usually pick up something not going right. And I try to match up the email with what I saw, sensed and felt during the day on saturday and it doesn't match. I really don't know what to think.

But this email really knocked me and threw me for a spin. I almost passed out when I read it because it was just too much. Aside from the point that it could be some very good feedback for me (which I question to a certain degree), the email was very condescending to me and could have been handled in a different way. I thought this person was my friend, but now I am wondering what is going on.

And last night, I got home and I cried because all I want to do is help people feel better. I don't want to be the butt of someone's joke or put down like this or whatever it is. Life needs to back off because this is getting too much. I want to find a tropical island somewhere and then anyone that comes close will get shot with no questions asked. That's the way I feel today..

I am trying to schedule an appointment with my therapist because this is just way too much for me to deal with right now.

I'm thankful that I have jeff and he is so understanding and I am glad that we still have our other two cats. Otherwise, I won't go there. But I'm afraid that if my current track keeps going, I will end up shoving everything away from me that I now have and I've already lost everything in my life once.

Oh, some days it is hard... I'm trying to keep my head above water... but it is definately not easy.

Thanks for just listening...
Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#35417 - 11/18/03 12:08 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Don,

Maybe he is jealous because you can do something valuable and good just with your hands and he cannot.

Go with the majority opinion, that of those you actually touched.

Keeping swimming!

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#35418 - 11/18/03 05:01 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Don
When those clients return, as I'm certain some will, ask them.

I think you already know the answer they would give.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#35419 - 11/19/03 10:59 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Don,

Keep paddling and keep your head out of the water.

This is a stressfull time of year. With all the holidays, family gatherings, with all the daily things, and the add-ons, the loss of a pet, change in career, the changing of the guards at work. But these are all things we can get through. We may need a helping hand at times, but we can get through it.

The e-mail seems to be the preverbial straw. It seems to have made you doubt your ability to do you work, the work you labored so hard to learn and get too. I wouldn't put too much weight on that one. As Dave says, ask them. That is probably a good way to start any session. What parts did you like? what didn't you like?. Was it too light? or to rough?.

Hang in there Don, your amongst friends that will help you keep afloat, when the wave get to big.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#35420 - 11/29/03 03:14 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Well, I did schedule an appointment with my therapist and went to see her the other day. She of course says, she thinks I am doing well in spite of everything that has happened. I laughed and then she explained. She is probably right, but hard to feel that way.

A lot of things center around the holidays, family stuff, my mom no longer in this world, loss of our cat a few weeks ago, seeing people get let go at work that I really enjoyed working with and helped me get through the day, the daily stress of a company that is hanging on by a thread but thinks they are doing great, etc..etc...etc... I could write a book on all of this.

It was really taking me down and I told my therapist that I wanted to wear a big black bold sign that said, "leave me the hell alone". Kind of how I felt. She told me that it was ok to retreat and give myself permission to retreat. But it is tough.

So for now, I've backed off of a lot of things in life and once the holidays are over, it will get a lot better.

I did go with Jeff to spend thanksgiving with his relatives. It was a little scary for me but I was glad I went.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#35421 - 11/29/03 04:07 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
Dan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/07/01
Posts: 15
Loc: Seattle, WA
Don,
I don't post very often to MS. However, I remember when you had your own web site. It was the lighthouse that guided me to emotional safety in the middle of the night when I thought that I would drown in tears of despair.

I know what its like to have everything in your life to starts to fail and you have an over whelming sinking feeling of hopelessness. My suggestion to you is that you tread a little harder and make sure you’re wearing the emotional/support life jacket of the men of this group.

This too will soon pass.

Dan


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#35422 - 11/30/03 11:20 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Don, you know that it is what you think of yourself that matters. Some people praise us and some curse us. Doesn't matter--what matters is that we know we are good, decent, gifted men. And you have a couple of special gifts in your music and in being a therapist.

If your friend was not assigned the job to ask people about your work, and actually asked their opinion, how on earth could he know what they felt? Impossible.

I am sure that you do wonderful work. Because of your experience, you know what it is for people to have their body touched. But by your training you know how much relief we can get from massages. You know you did an excellent job and helped people with tense muscles.

You need to get to the point where the only opinion that will concer you is if you ask your client about the massage and they tell you whether it was good, terrific, or just ok.

Don, you don't need to wait until January to have zest for life today. You are a fine person who cares about our pain and feelings, you are always so gentle with posters. On top of that you are a marvelous role model for men who sturrgle with their sexual orientation. You are happy to be gay, and you love your partner. That means a lot to guys who are wondering.

So go play something on your piano and then praise yourself for being so darned good at it.

Peace to you friend.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#35423 - 12/01/03 11:41 AM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Don a good friend once told me to be the best that I can, be polite and respect those that deserve it. It matters not, the expectations of others it only you that counts.

And I know that you know you are doing the very best you can. For me that says it all about you my brother.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#35424 - 12/01/03 12:16 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Hi Don, I think you are wise to choose a tropical island, being as it can get cold in the winter. But all levity aside, let me ask you:
How professional was your friend by giving you a message this way? Sounds to me like he is jealous. Tell him to go fuck himself. You know that you are good at what you do, and don't need to be set up by jerks like him! And Don, pick up your socks and have a great holiday season, you deserve it, you're a great guy. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#35425 - 12/01/03 01:25 PM Re: Taking in water with each gulp of air
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Don,

It does sound like a lot to handle all at once. At least Thanksgiving turned out well, right?

Quote:
Healing is like a journey of a thousand miles which begins with a single step.
Some of them are small steps, and sometimes there's a little rest between steps. Do what you need to do for yourself and let the holiday season take care of itself.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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