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#355404 - 03/03/11 04:05 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
The effects of abuse are horrible and are longterm, but is there a point where you can say 'this is not the abuse, this is just that person being a mean person'? I know alot of my bf's behaviour is as a result of his abuse and he wants to be the best he can be for himself and those around him, hopefully that includes me. But when is enough enough? Or is that an individual thing?


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#355434 - 03/03/11 11:06 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: worldscentre]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Thanks Sally. I've been down this road before.

Lack of empathy? Sure. How much empathy can you experience when a gun fight breaks out unexpectedly? He's in a survival mode quite a lot I'm guessing. It's normal for him like breathing.

You have to take care of yourself. Get creative perhaps. Somehow, I don't want you to leave him. Some here have talked about finding, creating someone to kind of have a certain intemacy with (not sexual I think) to get you through. A gay man to share and cuddle with? :-)

Here's what I think about talking to other survivors: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6864#Post346864

I guess I'd like to give you the hope that in a couple years, you'll have a completely different boyfriend who has a remarkable depth and compassion, who you have a very meaningful past with, shared experience. A man like that might be hard to find. Having an abuse history isn't all bad. Working through it can teach, grow you in wonderful ways. Not that I recommend it though.

worldscentre, ... horrible and longterm only until you deal with, and treat it. It's not a life sentence and believing that, .... makes treating it seem impossible, so you don't, so it never changes. Self-fullfilling belief. If you believe it's like a broken bone, you deal with it, it heals in time, and you just have a scar there. Lot's easier and better for everyone, though not easy. Many barriers to proper treatment, unlike broken bones.

I don't think like that about "mean people". Few people are intentionally mean, though I may experience them that way and stay away, not bothering, or trying to understand them. What would help you not experience him as mean? Avoiding certain situations? Understanding of some kind? Openness about his experience of the situation? Being "heard"?

Ok. I'm running on.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#355471 - 03/03/11 03:00 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: LandOfShadow]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Landofshadow, oh my friend, I am not sure I can make it. I may have gone through this and done the hard work to grow, gain strength... And I may have just out grown him. Went to couples therapy today, and now he's mad at me for some reason but won't talk to me... Such a fun and unfair bull shit game. I wish I wish I hope I try I cry I cry...still end up in same spot...
Its ok, change will happen, or I'm unfortunately/fortunately ready to be loved smile


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#355478 - 03/03/11 05:03 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
LandofShadow...Thank you, thank you, thank you for your insight as a survivor, to those of us who live with and love them dearly. You and your girlfriend give us hope! I KNOW there's a reason why I'm not throwing in the towel. Because he shows HOPE too! Yes, it's been hard! SALLY123...I, too, have dealt with a dose of his promiscuity and wondered how much more I could take. But three things have helped me tremendously...seeing him WANT to break free of his chains and trying! Educating myself and learning that it is NOT personal and he does NOT wake up wanting to shut me out, etc. and finally, this SITE! Seeing that I'm not alone or crazy for dealing with these things helps me so much. I know he loves me, but he is having to learn to love himself. I will stand by as long as he does not give up. Again, thank you to everyone who tells their story on here. Worldscentre...yes you must take care of yourself, but in my honest opinion, he is not doing those things just to be mean. I don't believe that about any survivor. It is a long, draining healing process, but even the baby steps are so rewarding. Sally, World, and anyone else...I'm here for you. We are in this together. Land...thank you again!


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#355482 - 03/03/11 05:44 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: aloved1]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Is everyone not on their own journeys.....survivors and their mates?.....
To have one group talking about and trying to heal the other seems very weird to me......The survivor blames the mate and the mate tries to heal the survivor and round and round we go.....
Why not focus on ourselves......we all need to heal .....
And the people in front of us are telling us something about ourselves. It seems so easy to find someone who we feel is not our equal emotionally or in their ability to give.....and then let ourselves off the hook......saying if this person were different or healed, then my life would be better......


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#355491 - 03/03/11 06:55 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: RecoveryReady1]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Just as an update to my earlier post...I have had today to reflect on today's events and I learned a lot about the "wall" (the distance) that we as partners feel... I wanted to say that as much as I hate the wall, as a partner I have to honor this wall as it is what helped my bf survive. If I start to view the distance, as Landofshadow put it, is a survival mode strategy then it is not as scary to me. Just another lesson that nothing is personal. Thank you all for insight and support!


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#355542 - 03/04/11 10:39 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
RecoveryReady1

If there is anything I have learned, it is that loved ones CANNOT HEAL a survivor. I cannot heal my partner. I'm sorry you feel weirded out by the support we give/find here. To me, it's about supporting those we love. Nothing more.

By the way, he has never blamed me for anything. As a loved one, he has told me he doesn't want to take me to his dark places. Since he told me about his CSA early on, I can understand this.


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#355556 - 03/04/11 01:04 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: aloved1]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
That's SO SO true RecoveryReady1. Eckart Tolle says it as "Our partner's aren't there to make us happy, they're there to make us more conscious." So yes, get more conscious! What's weird though? You see partners completely wrapped up in a survivors journey trying to do it for them?

As I said: "He's stuck cleaning it all up, and healing though. He has to take on that job absolutely." Many male survivors, most perhaps, don't and I just want to kick their butts!!! Get to therapy! Talk! Running and silence are just hurting you now. Tear that ******** wall down now! You don't need it any more!

That ain't your job.

As a partner of a survivor, I have to wonder, What's in this for you? Why are YOU here? What's it telling you about YOU? You can only witness another's healing themselves. Participate, follow, but not likely lead.

Interesting perspective. I guess my therapist leads, or tries to because often I won't follow, but still I have to very closely follow on her lead. Lead myself. She gets $120 per hour on her path too! It's a highly skilled profession that you can't do.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#355570 - 03/04/11 02:08 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: LandOfShadow]
twistedncrazy Offline


Registered: 03/04/11
Posts: 4
Female, 20 years of age 3 year relationship

yes very true counselors are amazing and very skilled at there perfession. i look at it like this. if my boyfriend was in a major health crisis i would leave it up to the doctors and surgeons they are the trained ones but of course i would be in the waiting room. hoping for him. and being by his side.
The probablem for me is my boyfriend confided in me about his abuse and has never told anyone else i now feel like there is a big weight on my shoulder. because i do not want to see him suffer and i want to encourage him to see a counsler but obviously don't want to push him to much. it should be his decision when he is ready.
I get the wall thing, he gets black out anger , and shuts me out. Im not perfect either and i always say as long as we are trying to better our selves than we do care for our own health and well being and that of are partners. then that is love. True love i realized is not about loving the good. but loving that person for everything they are. ?


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#355994 - 03/09/11 07:15 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: twistedncrazy]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
My bf used to quote a saying 'when you're in love the person seems perfect', but I said no, 'when you're in love you love that person imperfections and all'. And I have seen clearly and brutally that my bf is not perfect, neither am I! But I still love him.
I suppose when I mentioned about a person being mean, I used the wrong words, its more when a person does hurtful things. If my bf hadnt suffered abuse in the past would I be as tolerant of his hurtful behaviours? I cant answer that for sure, but perhaps not. The reason though I am tolerant is that he has acknowledged his behaviour, where it stemmed from and he wants to address it.


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