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#354981 - 02/26/11 10:33 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: Dewey]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Dewey,
Thank you for your suggestions. I'll try to incorporate them.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#355263 - 03/01/11 03:27 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: Disappointed]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Thanks Dewey. As a survivor, I would expect you'd immediately "get it". All too familiar probably.

So, Sally, worldscentre, aloved1, did you "get it"?

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#355281 - 03/01/11 07:28 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: LandOfShadow]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Landofshadow, thank you for your addition to this post. It helps a lot (as does dewey's) However, I'm sorry if I'm just spacing out after a long day, but I'm not exactly sure that you are referring to... can you please elaborate... this post has helped me gain tremendous insight, and I want to make sure I answer your question properly.... thanks!


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#355288 - 03/01/11 08:49 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Thanks sally. You answered by saying it helped you gain insight. I'm glad it made sense to you.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#355315 - 03/02/11 04:08 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: LandOfShadow]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Landofshadow,
I think I understand a little of what you are saying, I guess it will take time to understand it all but I want to.


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#355316 - 03/02/11 05:08 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: worldscentre]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Well, I started this thread in an attempt to get closer, work harder, gain empathy... Last night I found out that he has been acting out by viewing enormous amounts of porn...I knew was an issue, but he has been lying to me...as I read the comments that he made on sites about women he likes...I felt so much pain... He Won't touch me, but makes the choice to indulge in this toxic behavior and who knows what else. I know that others on here have gone through more devastating revelations, but Like other people I feel so sad. I feel like such an idiot for trusting and loving...can't help but wonder what is wrong with me. More confused than ever, at this moment....as always thanks for listening...


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#355378 - 03/02/11 04:46 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Sally,
First of all remember there is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all. You love this person and maybe see the good in him that even he can't see. I can relate in some ways, I was pushed away but discovered he was reaching out to other women, nothing sexual but trying to make himself happy from their attention.
Did you speak to him about what you found? It's so devastating when all you ask is to receive what you give and it seems so difficult. I hope you get through this and my prayers are with you, with everyone here who struggles and strives for happiness.


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#355382 - 03/02/11 07:35 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: worldscentre]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
I guess the best thing that has come out of it all is that I HAVE to face reality that there are huge issues that I have to address with him with new boundaries and expectations....no more tip toe...no more denial... Its so hard to love someone but know you have to walk away to protect yourself (new territory for me)... Couples therapy soon... I hope for new strategy and insight...
No matter what I am growing as an individual, and I hope that I can make the best choices going forward...
As always thank you for listening and kindness!!!


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#355401 - 03/03/11 12:44 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'm sorry Sally. Dang, it's got to be terrible. I guess I think you're a wonderful, loving, rather brave person that he's lucky to have, that is a major stabilizing part for his recovery. Idiot is about the last thing.

I've been in a support group with male survivors the last 2 1/2 years I started. (In Minneapolis MN... there was no group for this anywhere. What? 10th largest US city and there is zip). I've heard a lot, and after a while, it's just so clear how all these things we go through, are just predictable and natural results of abusive childhoods. I remember Oprah talking about her promiscuity after her sexual abuse too. A lot is the same. I say that so perhaps... perhaps you could see a bit that.. this has I'd guess NOTHING to do with you. Often, more established and intimate relationship feel more like the abusive one(s) so we avoid them. And something like porn, might be safer, or otherwise a stronger pull. I've certainly at times felt so negative about sex, my attractions, that I didn't "want to do something like that" TO my girlfriend. It seemed like hurting her. I asked her about weekly if I was hurting her for months before I could feel safe. Despite obvious assurances and actions I was "awfully respectful". It's victim, or perpetrator role. Sometimes nothing else. Either role is pretty horrifying. You learn what you were taught about sex essentially. What was he taught? Intense fear and shame reactions block the unlearning, and relearning of a positive lesson. Intense shame is like a red hot piece of steel. (I'm a metal artist so I know hot). If you touch it, you'll get away from it with everything you've got, instantly. Without thinking. You hopefully have no experience with shame like that.

I'm really glad he's in therapy. His therapist has considerable experience with men and childhood sexual abuse? He/she MUST. It's too specialized. Some will try to learn on the fly. Very risky to the client. Unethical as hell IMO. That's like a family doctor taking a crack at heart surgery for some fun.

I'm happy to say my gf and I have some WAY cool things going on in this department. I've learned some great sensitivity, abilities to issues she encounters, like all women it seems. Something good from it all. He can work through a lot of this with help, a lot of courage and effort.

I don't know if "understanding" helps. Or this helps you understand. Or what. You're a "vicarious victim". It's his abuser(s) who are hurting you, not him really. He's stuck cleaning it all up, and healing though. He has to take on that job absolutely. Life's not fair. At all.

Once again, I'm so sorry and sad to hear what you'd dealing with.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#355402 - 03/03/11 02:30 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: LandOfShadow]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Wow Landofshadows! What a thoughtful statement! I'm so happy for your progress and relationship! He struggles to understand how I feel, and this lack of empathy scares me a little, I'm sure CSA related? He has amazing therapist and is working baby steps towards insight and understanding the different parts of himself... He's only been in therapy for about 6 months (after I first discovered the porn/deception). He gains baby step insight...and I know looking at his pain/emotions is extremely painful and scary for him, and I am so proud of him for that. He is an extremely intelligent man, but seems to have extremely limited insight into himself, or rather just doesn't want to go there if that makes sense. I guess I am the opposite: always searching. I'm assuming this is normal? If I ever I ask questions that connect dots, he just says "I don't know, I haven't gotten there". I brought this site up again to him last night, but I think that he is not ready to face just how he has been shaped by the abuse...I think too painful. Ur right I am not a CSA survivor, so as mush as I try to understand him, I will never fully grasp the pain... I wish he would come to this site and see that he is not alone, and feel the tremendous support... The isolation just perpetuates the initial secret and leads to more secrets and isolation, and I can see how this makes it impossible for one to live an authentic life. So incredibly sad. I know, well hope, the man I can see will make it out one day, but I'm not sure I can be on the roller coaster with him right now... This is such an amazing site and I can not thank everyone enough for the support and wisdom, such wonderful gifts in the middle of this sleepless night... :


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