Hi... what would I do without this site... THANK YOU in advance:
It seems that each time I come to peace with an issue, a new challenge arises. I can deal with the lack/non existent physical intimacy, but when the emotional goes and my bf talks to me like I'm a stranger and the man that I love almost disappears, I am struggling with how to react. The switch is almost tangible.
Is there anything that I can say or do in these situations that will bring him back? Am I supposed to just be patient with the new person and wait for the old guy to come back? It hurts me, and I want to wall up, but what good will that do? Right now he is dealing with a family emergency, and he pushes and pulls at the same time. I can't win. I want to be there for him, but he's being a jerk!! I get what is going on, but I guess I may be feeling the 2 steps back phenomena... Any suggestions would be so appreciated.

PS:In the back of my mind I just keep hearing, this is what you've signed up for... deal with it....

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

I'm not sure if this relates, but I know it helps.

Know your needs, your boundaries, your limits, and your abilities.

What happens when "the emotional goes"? What kind of setback are you talking about?

Don't assume, ask questions of him.

I don't quite understand when you wrote "I get what is going on." Can you elaborate?

We have phrases to communicate around my house: "in my cave" is one of them, "bully bull" is another, as is "overeducated knuckle dragger". They all describe various parts of MY personality that helps lessen the tension and convey understanding and a wish for things to return to normal.

Communication is part of intimacy, and we survivors suck at intimacy. I am slowly learning, but it is difficult.

WOW..can I totally relate!! My guy friend and I have not communicated in over a week and 1/2...before then for a few weeks..it's been off and on..and not pleasant..he has totally backed off...Instead of coming to me w/his problems..like he has done for the past 7 months..he posts stuff on facebook..so I can see some of what is up...he is getting some support from friends..but I feel SO left out..and I have written to him..but so far no response. I've asked if I can help..what can I do...and how I am here for him, if he wants to talk, vent, etc...
NOTHING yet...this just occured yesterday and today...

>>>>>Communication is part of intimacy, and we survivors suck at intimacy>>>>

WOW..M. Buck...ain't that the truth?!?!?...never seen it put that way...but WOW...does that hit home!!!

I said the same words..I miss the old "Bob"....where is he???..we used to have so much fun together, laughing, joking, etc....but he became so distant...Yes..there have been problems...BUT I understand...he knows how much I care..I keep saying so..I hope he comes around....YOURS, too Sally...hang in there..

Thanks for replies... I agree about the communication... I've read everything I can and my therapist helps me come up with strategies for communicating clearly and owning how I'm feeling in each situation. However, once he shuts out feelings he isn't even the guy that I can talk to or get through to at all. I told him last night that I really would like to be there for him, but that I was feeling distant or like he was hard to reach/prickly... He quickly dismissed me (in an almost robotic tone) in a very impersonal way. It's like he's talking to a stranger...it is hard to explain I think that survivors may struggle to understand our feelings/thoughts as much as we struggle to understand yours. So what I mean about "emotion gone" is that he is completely detached, there is no intimacy at all and therefore no connection and I feel like I'm just a random girl on the street that is disposable and that is hurtful and scary. I can handle not having the physical intimacy for long periods of time, but I can't sign up for the long term (and that's what I'm with him for) with no connection at all. So maybe the reason I write this is because this realization causes deep sadness. He's in therapy and is working hard. We have to figure out how to be in these moments... I like the nickname idea..
Again, thanks for listening, no one else can understand (or know) and I feel better just putting my thoughts out...

Sally...boy can I relate!!! And to you as well, Friend2help! As a matter of fact, before reading your post, I JUST posted myself and it is entitled, "where do I go?" Because I would REALLY love to know where in his mind do I go? Outside of his episodes, he is so caring, so affectionate, and I can truly tell he loves me. But it is like night and day in and out of his episodes. He becomes very detached and communication at that time is out the door! Sally and friend, in reading your postings, I felt like I was reading my own story, and I am utterly grateful for this site to see that I am not alone. I guess what keeps me going is seeing the man that he wants to be. There has been progress but I know there is a lot of work to do. Like you Sally, I can deal with the detachment, but I always find myself asking every time...is he really coming back from this one? And yes it gets scary! He has come back every time, but he is currently in one and of course, here I am asking, is he coming back?? I wish you both the best of luck on your journeys and I would love to keep in touch with you. God Bless!

Vicki

Vicki, ur post brings tears to my eyes as I feel we all share these common thoughts. Sometimes its very hard and scary. It causes me question everything. I too could have written your post. We are in a cycle where he distances, and as much as I (with the help of my therapist) try to get him back he's out of reach. Am I disposable? I pull away, not to be mean, but to protect myself I can not keep being hurt. I focus on myself and get my own space. Then he starts being sweet again, but it's hard to just pop back and open/loving. It is a horrible cycle. I decided to tell him yesterday that I couldn't do this anymore and we had to go see his therapist together to figure out a different way to communicate during these times. I need a strategy... He agreed to go together. That gives me hope that we can create better ways of communicating... I know we'll never make it without help. Bottom line is I need help. One thing that is hard is that we partners think and feel soooo differently that sometimes it's like you are speaking different languages... Its no ones fault, my heart breaks to think of his childhood pain, and I guess sometimes just sad.

Disposable is such the term I've used to and time again. Am I disposable? It breaks my heart, too, of what they endured as children. And to top it off, when he had this happen to him, it wasn't like he had an otherwise nurturing home environment or upbringing to help him sort his feelings out. So along the way, it has been years of walls, detachment and other defense mechanisms. I'm glad to hear you guys are attending therapy. We did as well, even together during some sessions, and we learned quite a lot, even diagnosing him with PTSD. However, I do believe he had more work to do. The hope now is that he was so put out with himself on Sunday and wants to continue seeking help. Right now he is focusing on the Church and looking for ministries and people who can guide him on where to go to sort these things out. I tried telling him about this site, but he says one thing at a time. And I just told him I understand. It is such a difficult journey, but I've always had this little lingering voice deep inside telling me to hang on...and keep the faith. Because no matter how I am in his life, friend or girlfriend, I do want to see him free of these chains. Sometimes I wish there was a magic wand. The best of luck to you both, Sally. God Bless!

Reading your posts is like reading my relationship history, so thanks for sharing. As you might have read in my others posts we are now apart as the issues he's facing now he needs to do so alone. But I suppose one of my fears is if/when he feels able to be in a healthy relationship will he want that with me? Or will he want someone 'fresh', who wasn't there through the tough times so isn't another reminder. That's a big fear and no-one can answer it but him.
Best of luck to all in your relationships.

As a survivor, I might toss something into the mix. I hope it works for you. As tenderly as you can, you might try adding a little humor. I mean my gosh, we are only here on this planet for a minute and sometimes we all just take ourselves and our dilemmas too seriously. I'm not talking about laughing nervously because we don't know what to do or say. Certainly I'm not condoning making fun of anyone or changing a tough conversation with a joke. What I'm trying to say is, if I genuinely believe that you have my back and you won't spill my guts to the street [or your mother] and you really have my best interest at heart, then you have earned the right to call me back to the present. What better way to experience the "now" than a good laugh, for both of you? Certainly this is a fluid idea and not a one-stop remedy. Just maybe a little reminder to have some fun. Of course like I said before this level of communication would be preceded by statements like "I'm here for you, really, and I want you to know that your heart is safe with me" Then prove that statement by refusing to judge and by offering as much comfort and encouragement that you can muster. Keep going! Dan

Hi Sally.

Sometimes my 'turning off' just happens. Last Tuesday (two days before a T appt I was anxious about) I shut down so much that I turned into a zombie. I was mumbling and stumbling and I ended up just going to bed after supper. My wife worried that I was slipping into a deep despair...and my son was confused over what was happening to me because he doesn't know about any of this. My wife just told him I was tired and not feeling 100%. He's used to my depressions...so it wasn't a stretch. Anyway...Thursday, after my appointment, I kind of popped back into being myself. That's when I realized what I put my wife through for the past 2-3 days. She told me she counted my meds, woke up through the night to make sure I was in bed, etc. She had been panicked that I might take my life. In actual fact, I was just shutting down...my body shut down to combat the anxiety I was feeling over telling my T the details of my rape. So I was fine when the T appt was over (well, not fine...but no longer struggling with anxiety that was so strong it shut my body down). I think sometimes we close down as a way of self-preservation...and maybe the best thing for our significant others to do is just be there and wait for us to come out on the other side. I honestly had no idea what my shutdown was doing to my wife. I wasn't in my right mind. Nothing could have brought me back but getting through that appt. I was in zombie land with no way of coming back. I can't imagine how hard that is to deal with, but I really do think that sometimes you just have to wait for us to resurface. Hopefully, the good times outweigh the bad ones. I try not to go down those dark corners...try to consider my wife at those times and force myself not to retreat. But sometimes the body takes over and I have no way of combating the shutdown.