To my all my friends and buddies on male survivors a special thanks and thanks giving on this day my first anniversary on male survivors

On the night of the 17th February 2010 i was in such a bad way, i was in so much pain and distress, i felt at that time i could not take much more torture in my life after a long fought battle keeping a secret for over 35 years. I was at the lowest point in my life and i felt that this could not go on much longer and for me back then it was make or break time in my life.

I felt so guilty from my past life it haunted and tortured me night and day and when i looked in the mirror each morning to shave, i did not even know who the guy was staring back at me i was very unhappy with life deep down inside and i hated myself so much.

I sat at my computer that night pressing the keys and hoping and praying that something would turn up and help a guy like me .I was in such a mess that night the tears were tripping me and i was living in fear and felt all alone not knowing what to do as i cried out for help.

As i surfed the net looking for help i was getting really desperate for something to come and rescue me.
Then up came Male Survivors i read a bit of info and thought i would sign up i had not a clue what to expect. So i applied to join used my second christian name James and became James 1959.

When i came to this site i trusted no one not even the guys on line at the time, i felt embarrassed, ashamed, angry and confused with myself i did not even want to talk i was so scared and frightened deep down inside.

I went into chat and i did not even say a word to any of the guys, i kept myself to myself and my defence guard up and i did not give away very much about my past life and how i felt.

My first message in PM came from MJ he sent me a poem and welcome to the site i was very touched by his gesture and it shone a little bit of hope into my life.

I cannot recall the first two months on this site as i was in so much agony and pain and did not really open up to the rest of the guys guess it was back to the trust thing again and being so ashamed and riddled with guilt

But I kept coming back to the site and weighing things up for myself and what the rest of the guys were like, then i began to realise these guys were just like myself they also were in a a lot of pain and distress to and they cared a lot about others suffers from csa and most of all they under stood me and my situation and were willing to help.

So from that point i started to open up a bit

i went into the chat room and started to chat it was so hard for me to do that, as i had never trusted any male in my life before .Then came along my first private chat it came from Starman Jerry he talked to me over the weeks in chat he gave me great encouragement and he also encouraged me to reach out to the other guys.

So bit by bit i gained my confidence along with trust and i started to reach out to the rest of the guys on ms and i started to talk and help others to and through that i gained a lot in my recovery.

To- day if you were to meet James one year on i am a complete different Guy. I have grown to love and respect myself and i accept myself for who i am, The guilt and anger within me is all gone and I’ve started to trust males and give blokes a chance to get to know me and I’ve made new friends. Inwardly I’m more confident i feel very happy with my life. When i look at myself in the mirror these days i know the guy who’s staring back at me and it’s me with a smile on my face.

Outside male survivors i went to counciling for help and support two weeks ago i had my last session and as i left and walked to my car i felt i was moving forward in to a new life which i never thought was possible to achieve i was a different man now full of confidence and positivity and looking forward to life.

My biggest support came from a person who has been by my side for 34 tears my wife we have been through a lot of ups and downs but she has been my rock over the years and i don’t even know how our marriage has survived this battle but it has and our marriage is a lot stronger to day i love her so much.

So today one year on James is moving forward with his life I’ve made good friends here who i will never forget they have helped me to build and restore my life to a life that’s worth living and beyond my expectations for a guy like me.

So thank you my friends and buddies you know who you are and i love and respect each one of you and what you have done for me and others on this site, you have giving a lot to help others like me live.

Thank you guys very much your friend and brother James

A Moment ago

One Year can
Make a difference
With the help of friends

One month can
Make a difference
With the help of friends

One day can
Make a difference
With the help of friends

One Moment can
Make a difference
With love from a friend

One Friend can make a world of difference
With Love from within
Thank you for being a friend

By Michael Joseph

james,

so glad that you stuck it out. kept coming back.

you have made some great strides over the past year and it shows. keep fighting the good fight. you are worth it.

from one of your blokes. heheh

todd

James,

It is great to have you here James. YOU ROCK James!!!

Congratulations!!!!!! On one great year of recovery from this CSA stuff.

Donnie

Thanks to all for their good wishes over the last few days i am realy touched by your kindness love and support.

MJ the poem was very touching and reflects alot on how i feel to day one year on. Especially about my friends here on male survivors and how they looked after me over the last 12 months duruning my ups and downs they were always by me side in good days and not so good days im very grateful to you all and how you have helped me on my journey of recovery to date


Take care everyone catch up with you all later

Your friend, buddy and brother Survivor


Mervyn James D

James,

I have not been posting here as much lately, so I know I have not connected with you guys like I connected more so with the others in the past. But I wanted to respond to what you said because it is very inspiring. I, like so many of the other guys here, was at a place where I had lost myself. I did finally reach out again and was in therapy when I found MS. But making that connection with other males that had experienced similar things and could relate to so many issues I was struggling with was huge. I am pretty certain that the therapy alone would not have been enough for me to crawl out of the hole I was in. Knowing I was not alone, and connecting with others that understood what I was going through made such a huge difference. It has taken me more than a year to get there (I suppose we all go at our own pace), but I am finally getting to a place where I am understanding what it means to love oneself and want to take care of oneself. I could have never imagined a few years ago getting to such a place. For some people, the changes in my life might seem subtle, but for me I know they are very significant. For that I am so grateful, and every guy that is able to reach out and see a way out that previous seemed impossible, that is a beautiful thing. Thanks for sharing and keep up the personal growth. You are worth it.

Eric

James,

Congratulations on your anniversary and for all the good work you're doing. I wish for you ever more growth, healing and health! Your acknowledgement of others in this process is heart touching, you are a class guy.

All the best,

Gary

A big thanks to all im very grateful for all your love and support and the messages you have sent to me during thr past few weeks.


James