As many of you here know, I am married 13 years and dated my wife for 7years before we were married. I made us wait scared that no one could really love me.

Anyhow about a year ago my wife found that I was looking at Craigslists ads that were same sex want ads. (Embarrassing to even type). Luckily, I had never replied to the ads only looked comforted that there were others like me.

She was angry called me everyname in the book, looked at me and said, "How can I love you when your are thinking about having sex with another man".

I provided no answers; I told her I loved her, told her I did not want to lose her. Emotionally we seperated for about a month, then she took an action that I had not scene in her before (My wife is quite passive).

Her Demands:

I had to get help immediately to find out just who I was. I had to respect her space as she needed time to think. The biggest rule was that I was to never use our home computers for porn again, (we have children), and it is disrespectful to her.

It was tough, not having her there for me during this time, sick that I would be alone without my children and wife; the porn was easy to leave behind, I knew what it would cost me, it was not worth it.

In many ways my wife, my friend saved my life. I saw a great T who helped me understand my abuse, and why I was so angry all the time, never satisfied with anything or anyone. He even explained the SSA and the control I wanted back, that was taken as a child.

Well one year past we are still getting better, my wife and I are closer then we have ever been. Does she still worry that she is not all I need?

That, I do not know and can not control.

All I can do is show her everyday that I am happy, with myself and with her.

I think she sees that I am handling stress at work better, and that I am more of a father now, then I was a year ago.

I am thankful for my wife, my kids, my spirituality and even my childhood. I have learned so much from my history and my life is getting better, and I need to thank MaleSurvivor and all my friends here also.

As many of you know I do not share my CSA with my hometown friends and family. I guess, I look at it as just an event in my history. Not the title or even a chapter of a book that is my life.

Leanne, I do not know if you will even see this note, but know that you are my book. You and the kids are my Book and Story, and our great life and times together upstage, and are more important then any tragity in my life.

Love, Mike

Mike,

I relate to your story on so many levels. About 10 years ago I told my wife of my SSA - it was a time that I'd bottomed out in depression and finally sought treatment. At that time I knew what the SSA and depression was and was not, but I did not associate it with with CSA - I actually didn't even acknowledge my CSA until recently. The disclosure of the SSA and all that went with it nearly destroyed our marriage - for 5 years I wasn't sure we would make it - and then we separated - and then we got back together and survived for another 5 years.

I'm 2 weeks into my acknowledging the CSA to myself and actually fully disclosing it to my wife. She had suspected it all along but understandably could not directly associate it with all of my problem behaviors.

If not for her understanding and care - not just now, but throughout the years, I'm not sure where I would be today or if I would even be alive . For the last 30+ years, she has been my sole source of light and hope even though I have not fully come to understand how strong she was and how lost I was.

Your story is encouraging for me and gives me more hope that our marriage, among so many other things, will get better.

My wife is also a member here, and at first I was concerned that her presence may be unhealthy for me since it might limit my ability to express myself - I came to the conclusion that since I have disclosed everything to her, there is nothing to hide and that sharing these thoughts can only make us closer. Your post affirms that decision.

Thank you for that - with each affirmation, i feel i'm taking another step down the road to recovery.

When my guy friend told me about having had encounters with men..and how encounters were listed on line..I was SHOCKED and confused!!! I then read here and in Mike Lew's Victim's NO Longer book..that this behavior is typical for CSA survivor's. What an eye opener!!!

It is confusing for us women to understand...but after reading so much about this...it does make sense.

My guy friend's reasoning..makes sense, too..he wanted to see if a man could be gentle towards him...that the closeness would not be abusive. Guess that makes sense, too.

Again..just hard for us to make total sense of it.

Mike we are alike in so many ways like you I am blessing with a wonderful wife. Thanks for beening one of the people I look up to at MS. I know that if I can follow in your footsteps, I will make it Thanks again Mike

That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.