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#353769 - 02/15/11 04:07 PM sexual compulsion
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
As an adult, I have to admit for the last 23 years I have been living with the shame done to my body via the sexual abuse I "put" myself into. For the 1st 6 years of my adulthood, I was married and NOT acting out.

What I mean by "acting out" is acting in a sexual manner with someone else besides my "wife" at the time. I was so sick and so into myself - never knew anything else - I believed I had to go be with men to be whole.

For the next 23 years, I would find ways to be sexually assaulted. I thought "I am an adult and in control" of what I do. Well... I crashed big time on 12/31/10. Yes, I was in control of being out of control.

*****triggers

Over a year ago, I had the flashback of being "raped" at gunpoint. I also have to admit to putting myself "an adult" in the back rooms of bars and with others who could be and would be sexual with me.

As I prepare to do a 1st step for my 12-step program, I am remembering my family of origin "events". By the age of 8, I was setup to believe in order to be loved, I had to be pleasing other men AND I "hated" to be with my mom. I would scout out any boy or man to be sexual with me, until I reached the age of 18.

BUT, when I would be sexual again with a man at age 25, I would discover the glue that was missing on my flypaper or so I thought. I would risk even my life to get the "fix" that I thought was in being loved by "acting out" - stimulated by man sexually.

I "act out" only under the influence.

I have been "sober" for a month as of today. NO more "acting out" or being under the influence of anything.

Sigh,
Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#353804 - 02/15/11 10:13 PM Re: sexual compulsion [Re: Avery46]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hugs DJ

that is great

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#353810 - 02/16/11 01:20 AM Re: sexual compulsion [Re: michael Joseph]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Cool DJ...!!!


Too High Too Get it Right (Accept)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#354323 - 02/21/11 12:07 PM Re: sexual compulsion [Re: 1islandboy]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
1st step -- good job DJ.

12 steps saved my life.

family history, sexual history, education history, school --- it can all be painful to remember -- but it gets us to place of honesty about where we are now - and how it all came to be.


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