As an adult, I have to admit for the last 23 years I have been living with the shame done to my body via the sexual abuse I "put" myself into. For the 1st 6 years of my adulthood, I was married and NOT acting out.
What I mean by "acting out" is acting in a sexual manner with someone else besides my "wife" at the time. I was so sick and so into myself - never knew anything else - I believed I had to go be with men to be whole.
For the next 23 years, I would find ways to be sexually assaulted. I thought "I am an adult and in control" of what I do. Well... I crashed big time on 12/31/10. Yes, I was in control of being out of control.
Over a year ago, I had the flashback of being "raped" at gunpoint. I also have to admit to putting myself "an adult" in the back rooms of bars and with others who could be and would be sexual with me.
As I prepare to do a 1st step for my 12-step program, I am remembering my family of origin "events". By the age of 8, I was setup to believe in order to be loved, I had to be pleasing other men AND I "hated" to be with my mom. I would scout out any boy or man to be sexual with me, until I reached the age of 18.
BUT, when I would be sexual again with a man at age 25, I would discover the glue that was missing on my flypaper or so I thought. I would risk even my life to get the "fix" that I thought was in being loved by "acting out" - stimulated by man sexually.
I "act out" only under the influence.
I have been "sober" for a month as of today. NO more "acting out" or being under the influence of anything.