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#353413 - 02/11/11 07:36 PM My Brain hurts
1FuriousBadger Offline


Registered: 02/01/11
Posts: 12
Loc: States
I started having flash backs and panic attacks when I took this new job. 5 months going on now. I started talking to the fragmented children inside of my head. They are sad, angry, worried, & scared. Sometimes it feels like my brain is coming apart, sometimes like there are cold ice packs pressing into the right side of my brain. Some times my eyes twitch and the lights feel like they are going to go out. The worst of it though is when I get the tunnel vision. That is when I am scared out of my mind and it looks like a dark swirling tunnel to what I am seeing. I have a business trip lined up at the start of next month. I am worried about it. When I don't get a lot of sleep that is when the symptoms start. I don't like this right now. It hurts my Brain, and the confusion of my relationships with people turns me against my self. I don't like it when the kids start calling me names in my head. I know they are just me but I don't like it it tears me down. I ask for their forgiveness, they forgive, but I don't want them to rule over me. I am so sorry I wasn't able to protect that little boy.


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#353428 - 02/11/11 10:46 PM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: 1FuriousBadger]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,1FuriousBadger,

Please don't let all this stuff overwhelm you. It sure hurts, it is painful & it has a tremendous affect on our ability to think rationally about not being able to protect that little boy.

When all this stuff came to my concious mind in August of '08 i was hell to all around me, almost nobody escaped my anger and almost nobody could understand why after 55+ years after the fact i remembered or i should say, little Pete reminded me of our lost innocense and youth and future.

I had said to that little boy, Pete, just why couldn't you have let me carry these memories to my grave? Why? Why now Pete?? I was having a hell of a time as every time that i was with my grandsons then 7 & 8, little Pete wished that he was them, he wanted to be loved like them, he wanted to be clean & pure like them. But (in my mind) i was them as little Pete had bonded with them, and i had to leave them in order for me to devote the rest of my life getting to know, nurture & love a couragous little boy, by the name of Pete. I have also spent many hours in depression asking forgiveness from that little boy. After all he kept me going for 69 1/2 years on this earth. And big Pete?? Well a short one year later, i had heard voices in my head, Pete, pull the plug (suicide), it hurts too much, the pain is too great & we are too old (71 1/2) years old. I just shrugged it off. Exactly two weeks later, those voices came back again, but this time they kept repeating it over and over, pull the plug Pete, it hurts, etc. Then a little boy spoke to me, hey "big" Pete, make the most importaint telephone call of your life to the suicide hotline. I got instant help, i was locked up in a Veterans Affairs mental health ward, under a suicide watch. I got plenty of help in those 72 hours.

Ever since i still ask for that little boys forgiveness, as he reminded me. "big Pete, i got you to 69 1/2 years of life. You really don't know what tough is 55+ years after the last act of sexual agression on that young boy. 55+ years 'big" Pete.
And a short year later, you thought it was too tough. One year 'Big" Pete. I still ask that boy for forgiveness, as if i had taken those memories to my grave. I would never have known me.

So, my brother, i wish you well in trying to keep all this in perspective. That little boy needs to be, nurtured, understood & loved. As those two little boys are you and me.

Long winded as usual.

Heal well both little 1FuriousBadger & the big one too.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#353437 - 02/11/11 11:39 PM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: petercorbett]
1FuriousBadger Offline


Registered: 02/01/11
Posts: 12
Loc: States
Thanks Irishmoose, I appreciate the encouragement. It is a battle to deal with this stuff. I am glad I can connect with other people that have been through the same crap. I have the angry voice inside, I named him Shiz. He persecutes me for not protecting myself and for being vulnerable. Then I have the hurt voice inside my head, I named him Sith. Shiz gets really mad at me when I talk to Sith, he doesn't want to feel hurt anymore, he is tired of being weak and vulnerable. So Shiz calls me names mostly a fag, and he makes fun of me a lot. Sith is always crying, he just keeps repeating that it hurts, it hurts, and that it just hurts. No matter what I say to him he doesn't stop hurting. So I allow myself to feel both of these emotions coming from myself. The problem is they usually are conflicting with each other and me at the same time, and I hear them when I am suppose to be paying attention in a meeting or something. I am 25 now. I started this journey day 1 on the job 5 months ago. I was told that I was molested by my father as a toddler, I don't remember it but I prayed to God one day for a long time. I then remembered that it did happen. I just can't remember the event. I thought I was going crazy, and I am really. I did a lot of research, that lead me to believe that I had the truth, it did happen. The thing that hit the hardest though was my mom. She told me about it, then she never did anything about it. All she did was call me a fag sometimes, then a monster just like my dad. She discounted my needs and feelings all my life. I forgive her of the verbal abuse. I will never forget though that she didn't protect me. I have been reading a book called through the fire. About people who go through sexual abuse as children. It is demonic, and I truly believe that people who do it represent the embodiment of evil while they steal a child's innocence away. The books says that we truly don't have the full capability to forgive all the way and I am glad. I have tried to forgive all the way and I am not able. I can't wait for the day that my father dies, & my mother. I will dance a jig on their grave and celebrate their deaths. I will be sad that they are in hell. However I will celebrate two less predators in the world. That will be a good day. I will still be dealing with the crap that happened to me. However I will be glad that their lives on earth will be over. Ho Raa


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#353439 - 02/11/11 11:59 PM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: 1FuriousBadger]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6708
Loc: USA
1FuriousBadger

You have DID. You already know that I think. But your symptoms are pretty much all due to DID. I'm sorry. That's just what it is.

Originally Posted By: 1FuriousBadger
I started having flash backs and panic attacks when I took this new job. 5 months going on now. I started talking to the fragmented children inside of my head. They are sad, angry, worried, & scared.

I don't completely understand the job connection, but I know that whatever flashbacks and panic attacks I had were either masked or not present before I "remembered" the abuse. My situation also "developed" after a job change. I don't understand the connection there.

It is quite common for DID guys to have inner children. Fragments. But they're complete enough to communicate. They need a good therapist who can win their trust and talk to them.

Quote:
Sometimes it feels like my brain is coming apart, sometimes like there are cold ice packs pressing into the right side of my brain. Some times my eyes twitch and the lights feel like they are going to go out.

Headaches are part of it. I've had a lot of therapy and EMDR but I still get a frequent headache in the occipital lobe at the back of the brain. That is where visual information is processed. I've particularly had problems with my vision form dissociative disorder.

Quote:
The worst of it though is when I get the tunnel vision. That is when I am scared out of my mind and it looks like a dark swirling tunnel to what I am seeing.

For some reason I don't understand I would become the 12-year-old in going down a long hallway without windows. Perhaps that's almost the opposite of what you are saying.

Quote:
I have a business trip lined up at the start of next month. I am worried about it. When I don't get a lot of sleep that is when the symptoms start. I don't like this right now. It hurts my Brain,

The textbooks say the brain doesn't have feeling but those who have DID know that the brain does have that particular type of feeling.

I had sleep problems for years. I think they are associated with a disturbance in the normal brain rhythms during sleep of a person with DID.

Quote:
and the confusion of my relationships with people turns me against my self. I don't like it when the kids start calling me names in my head. I know they are just me but I don't like it it tears me down. I ask for their forgiveness, they forgive, but I don't want them to rule over me. I am so sorry I wasn't able to protect that little boy.


Yes. I know. How old is the little boy? Has he ever told his story? Or is it too traumatic?

It helped me to read the book on one man's DID: A Fractured Mind, by Robert B. Oxnam. Understanding that you can glean from reading will be an instrument of healing. His little boy was Bobby. Mine was Buzzy.

Allen


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#353451 - 02/12/11 08:35 AM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: pufferfish]
1FuriousBadger Offline


Registered: 02/01/11
Posts: 12
Loc: States
Thanks for the book reference,I will to pick it up. I think I have the DID too. I don't really want to get meds, and I don't want to be locked up or anything. The little boy is under 2, the first time, then I got drunk when I was 15 and another 15 yr old boy started doing stuff to me. It happened a couple of times, I didn't really know what to do. The kid was my "friend" but when we got drunk he didn't want to do anything but sexual stuff. I went along. Shiz is always mad that I let it happen, he is mad because I was old enough to protect me. Sith is always sorry filled with regret and hurt. I can't comfort either of them. I after 3 times I finally stood up to the "friend" and said I wasn't going to hang out with him, I said I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do. He left me alone after that. I blocked it all out with drugs, and booze. I got sober @ 19. I think the "friend" had some problems too, but he took advantage of me when I was wasted. Then like an idiot I hung out with him again thinking that it wouldn't happen again, I don't know what really I don't remember anymore. I forgive the "kid" but Sith is stuck at 15, and Shiz hates him for what he allowed to happen, especially since he was abused as a baby. I forgive Sith. I forgive Shiz for the mean things he says. I know they don't want to fight. It all sucks. Thanks for the encouragement from everyone.


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#353526 - 02/13/11 12:46 AM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: 1FuriousBadger]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6708
Loc: USA
Badger,

It sounds like you have DIDNOS, in that you don't seem to lose time or blackout. In "DIDNOS", the "NOS" means "Not otherwise specified". It is a term used by the psychological community to refer to cases of DID where they don't seem to lose time or blackout. Most of the instances of DID we see here at MS are DIDNOS. You have well-developed alters (or alternate personalities) who communicate with you.

This happens when DID is formed in a person. It kind of divides them into opposing parts. It is formed in very young children and is logical to someone of that age. That is, a very young person actually forms the structure of the DID in response to abuse. In the book I recommended by Oxnam, you will find that his "system" was divided up into what was called a "castle" which had all kinds of rooms. It is very interesting.

You also have a protective alter who tries to protect your "system" (Shiz). Sith is your alter for bearing the pain of your experience. Question: Which alter stores the memories of your abuse? Is it Sith? (It might be that you won't let yourself remember this information at this point. There are usually some child alters. They can remain as fragments or they don't really develop into full-blown personalities because they are not expressed very much.

There is a type of treatment called EMDR which would probably help you a lot. It made a huge difference to me.

http://www.emdr.com/index.htm

Do you have a T (therapist)?

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry about that.

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (02/13/11 04:07 PM)
Edit Reason: major revisions to this post the next day

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#369675 - 09/07/11 09:32 AM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: pufferfish]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
I was told you can have loss of memory and time with Did/nos but the severity is not sufficient to warrant a full DID diagnosis. I am not quite sure how they determine such severity or frequency.


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#369709 - 09/07/11 06:07 PM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: KMCINVA]
Dexter Offline


Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 43
Loc: NJ, USA
It's tough to handle. The others do stuff that scares and embarrases me. But they say it's still all me.


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#369779 - 09/08/11 05:47 PM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: 1FuriousBadger]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 257
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Gifted man! I hope you R seeing ( or r in seek of )
a good therapist. You have some awesome change; maybe it
is difficult . I know painting / scribing on paper / exercise
helps me.
I take meds as well to sleep.
Internal Boundaries. I dont know if that helps any.
Sorry you R having a difficult time.


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#369781 - 09/08/11 06:58 PM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: 1FuriousBadger]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6708
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: 1FuriousBadger
I started having flash backs and panic attacks when I took this new job. 5 months going on now. I started talking to the fragmented children inside of my head. They are sad, angry, worried, & scared. Sometimes it feels like my brain is coming apart, sometimes like there are cold ice packs pressing into the right side of my brain. Some times my eyes twitch and the lights feel like they are going to go out. The worst of it though is when I get the tunnel vision. That is when I am scared out of my mind and it looks like a dark swirling tunnel to what I am seeing. I have a business trip lined up at the start of next month. I am worried about it. When I don't get a lot of sleep that is when the symptoms start. I don't like this right now. It hurts my Brain, and the confusion of my relationships with people turns me against my self. I don't like it when the kids start calling me names in my head. I know they are just me but I don't like it it tears me down. I ask for their forgiveness, they forgive, but I don't want them to rule over me. I am so sorry I wasn't able to protect that little boy.

Furious,

It's been some time since your original post. I hope you're doing better.

Yes, dissociative disorder does make the brain hurt.

Yes, it does affect vision and visual perception.

Yes it can give you feeling of having different voices or different personalities (not to diminish it to the feeling level. It is very real).

Your statement of symptoms is almost a classic enumeration of what a person with dissociative disorder goes through.

Allen


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#369809 - 09/09/11 01:37 AM Re: My Brain hurts [Re: pufferfish]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Badger

Let me wade in with my 2 cents.
Sorry that you are going through this, it is truly tragic that you are in this situation.

I have just read of a new therapy that a Psychiatrist is using in the States called EFT. The reports thus far are very promising. It is a combination of western science, which I don't really trust, and eastern medicine. I helps to realign energies and open the flow of blockages in the meridians. Sounds like crap but trust me I have used a similar technique to get me over some stages in my life.

Another therapy you may consider to help you when you feel an attack coming is NLP. It is a great method to help calm the mind and take it to a per-programmed place.
If you want to know more. let me know and I will find the details.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
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