yea, I do believe I ran all of my life and sought escape into always someone else, mostly a young person.. since I remember at 7 or 8...my brother's friend, who were playing outside forinstance.. but was I realy attracted to him sexually or did I wanted to be him and not Me?
MY brother who was only a few years older than me did abuse me a few times.
But the irony is: I just remember.... that he took my hand and helped him to an orgasm. and that's all I remember...!Than how, if this happend, just let say 6 times...than why am I so broken up about it...? and have it effect my life so much that I feel always quilty for something and not deserving any good.
don't get it..??
So I believe that it was my first sexual experience and seeking out approuval from my brother and other brothers which I sought out later to get their feelings and warmth and togetherness and wholesome feelings confirmed as a humanbeing..? I did not get any of this from my own parents and no one in fact got this from my parents neither.

confussed about my sexuality, environmental causes of neglect,
not fully convinced about my own self regarding who I am and what am I seeking for.
many years of doubt and fear of being gay, then I accepted it and lived for 7 year a gay lifestyle which I never fully was comfortable with.
I was married before that and that didn't work well either.
I was diagnosed with DID and It made all sense that their was another younger person who act and is gay and my other personality is straight.

Am married for the last 11 years and cheated for that long too.
with young guys and she stood next to me....What a woman..."Their should be an special place for a woman like that"
Now, Itmade sense and feel different and came to understanding a lot about my past. However.. it never stopt the attractions towards young boys (18 and over).

I found this forum, to get different prospectives and feel that it's very interesting to read all the similair story's on this forum, and embracing it.

there is less draw but I really just began to take matters in my own hand and want to be in control for the first time in my life.
I never gave it a change of growing into new prospective beside what I just knew...which was sex, masturbating and seeking out more sex with young guys which never really helped on a lasting basis. yea, it was a week or two and than it began all over again..espcially the last 11 years got worse.

Now,at this time in my live.... I want and need to stand still and am seeking support to stand still and am also back with therapy again.
I can not afford to continue my life of insignificant behavior, and asking and seeking help of any kind I can get!

Thanks for reading this.

Hey sake,

Glad you posted this-your story is not unique.

Escape is the name of the game for us survivors: at least it was for me: alcohol, work, sexual acting out with other males.

I think we are liked animals caught in a trap and cannot free ourselves no matter how hard we try: That is, until we reach out and honestly assess that what we have been doing to escape doesn't really work.

Having men around who understand and support me and hold me accountable is key to processing the early sexual traumas that have haunted me.

Keep posting, and good luck with T-I hope you find a good T who can help you.

My brothers,

Running from what exactly? I sure didn't know what from as i began my alcoholic career at 16 and it ended with a drunk driving accident 18 years later. I went to military rehab for alcoholism, and on my last session with my councillor, as i walked out of his office door, he had said to me. Sgt. Corbett you cannot drown nor out run yourself. Now at that time i still had my sexual abuse buried. But i had lived in that mode since i was born.
I have since learned why. And i have began to appreciate my inner child for not letting me take these memories to my grave.
As i would have never known me.

I am doing my best, for little Pete, in finally making him into the man that he now is. It's still a labor of love, between us.

I wish you well, my brother sake, and my other brothers here, in finally figuring what we were running from.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

running vs. standing still?
what does it take to stand still for the first time in my life ?which, I never could comprehend because I was not ready to do so, until just a week ago! This reading, It does help me changing my conscious life by taking control. and not allowing the emotions run beserk with it and reminding myself of CSA daily is giving me strenght to become closer to my own family and doing the right thing now!

Running what "Pete" did until he got into that accident 18 years later is exactly what I did with my sexual escapaed in order to feel good about myself for a while and repeat just that all over again to find out that nothing was really helping, except one thing and one thing only, and that was "Standing still and facing my issues of SA, and I am today fortunate enough not to be alone and able to share it with my wife.
two weeks now.......doing well and trying to stay on my path to recovery...
I can do it...
Love to all my MaleSurvivors..
thanks

Long time ago, what a different 3 months can be?
I have been transformed from a sexsual predatore who had to survive by capturing the younger but older than 18 to get some satisfaction accomplish to a person who just can be with one self, did decide to stop doing it the beginning of this year and signed up to do better things for others, like volunteer work and open myself up to myself and my wife by being honest and clear.
what a different a day make, from night to day. no one is pulling or dregging me to any direction, I am in control or I gained and preserved my control to be aware and consious about being and "are". I feel something has changed and am not feeling the same than many month's before. I like my new me and the new outlook on life and discovering myself through me and not others. I am very confortable in my skin and stress is so easy to manage now than ever before.
I am not fully understanding it yet but embrace the new me and feeling.