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#353658 - 02/14/11 02:40 PM Re: Angry and need information [Re: head&heart]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Robbie,

I'm trying to understand your posting about the judge's decision. Will you have time with your children?

Your ex-wife is a vicious, heartless bitch to bootstrap your childhood without any wrongdoing of you against your children!! It's horrifying the judge seems to have no insight into the longterm effects of childhood torture.

I must agree with head&heart: your openness of disclosure would be a good thing. Why your treasonous wife decided to use it against you, I cannot comprehend. But in my business, I see it all the time, the money grubbing wives who, at first opportunity take any fig leaf they can find to strip their husbands of everything.

I believe in disclosure to those that know and love you. Apparently, that may not include wives!!!!!!!! Bizarre!!!!!
D.

_________________________
Female.

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#353666 - 02/14/11 05:10 PM Re: Angry and need information [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
D,

We had the final trial last weeek...it all took two years.

My children and I were beyond close. We explored woods constantly, we built grand treehouses (pictured here in the past), we built crazy contraptions together...and we were so close...beyond words...beyond de>


Edited by Robbie Brown (02/14/11 05:17 PM)
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I'm "that guy."

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#353768 - 02/15/11 03:59 PM Re: Angry and need information [Re: Still]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I wouldn't disclose your ex-husbands secret. I'm still with my partner and was so shocked about the csa I knew I couldn't deal with this by myself. So immediately I looked for a therapist, and that has worked out well.
My partner is absolutely terrified that someone else may find out/know and I respect that. In my private life I have fully confided to a very close friend, who I know will keep her mouth shut and do nothing else than just support me.
There was another friend I started talking to, in a manner of testing the waters and her reaction was not good at all, so I cut the conversation short and never mentioned anything again.

Thinking of how terrified my partner is about others finding out, please don't share this secret with other people. It's up to your husband to decide when and if he wants to come out with this.
It's also not up to you to decide that the kids should know, however hard that may be. Your task is to make sure they have a good bond and relationship with their dad.
And for your friend's and family, it's none of their business why you divorced. Tell them to go and buy a tabloid if they love dwelling over other people's misery.


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#354998 - 02/27/11 12:07 PM Re: Angry and need information [Re: head&heart]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: head&heart
I have been the partner of a survivor for 27 years. I believe that there are two people in any relationship, from the very beginning. Of the 27 years I have spent with my partner the reality of his csa has only been known to me for 4 years. He has only been trying to address it for 6 weeks. Please give those who have lived with these kinds of significant problems, yet continue to love and only ask be loved in return, some credit and some understanding. I truly understand that the wife of 20 years may well need to release the hidden truth to her children. They need to understand her, her life, their father and his life. They need to understand their own childhoods. SECRETS are the problem. SECRETS are where abuse lives and thrives.
Please, the people who love the survivor are hurting too. Two decades is a long time. Human beings can be crushed in this length of time...all survivors of childhood abuse know this is true. NO MORE SECRETS! They are not yours alone. They belong to all who love you and will ever love you.
H&H


I have known my partner for over 3 decades and married for over 2 decades. He is my best friend. But the lonlieness in our relationship can literally be crushing for both of us. We have worked on communication, but both seem to live separate lives, even when we are in the same room. He can go in and out of the "zone" and we both have walls of steel and perhaps for very different reasons. Me, I'm protecting myself from more emotional pain. He is fearful of intimacy and not comfortable with it and after years of sharing a "disconnected"
relationship, one can lose hope of change. It is foreign to have a new/fresh/healthy realtionship and does NOT come natural. Even though I know he loves/trusts me, I don't always "feel" that way.
In a different way, I too feel like a "survivor" of a marriage that has not been easy in any way. It's been some of the lonliest times of my life and not what I expected at all. Yet, I don't want to be without him. I worry that we are who we are in how our relationship has developed and though we try to improve, it just doesn't seem to happen for us for any extended period of time and is a constant struggle to maintain an acceptable "normal" relationship.
I had an idea or intuition of many things before our marriage, but really didn't have a clue of how bad it was for him as a child. He disclosed bits of information along the way and I had to figure a lot of it out on my own. I don't want to go share his "secrets". I love him and want to be loved back. But, I need a consistent loving emotional connection, not just an occasional physical connection that is cold and dissatisfying. I do fear that I too am incapable of giving myself to him in the way he needs me. Could it be that we can only be friends after all of this time together? I guess I'm just rambling and in pain like many/all of us here. Our relationship feels like a child who has "failed to thrive". Thank you for listening.

TTH


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#355097 - 02/28/11 11:47 AM Re: Angry and need information [Re: timetoheal]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
NM has a right to her truth and to tell her story, she's been through Hell too! That her ex-husband can't or won't seek treatment is tragic, sadly it perpetuates the abuse he and others have and continue to suffer.

Perhaps she would be able to move on with her life if she wasn't stuck by his secretiveness and inability to at least break the silence.

Having said that, NM does not have a right to tell the details, if she even knows any, or to maliciously use this to any unfair advantage, but she doesn't seem the type. I think she would have already made that move if that was her intention. The kids, how old are they?, if adults themselves, perhaps they might benefit from some truth too. You all know how, as kids, we often blame ourselves for what's wrong around us, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with us.

As a survivor of CSA I understand the damaging power that keeping secrets has. After many years now, still working my own recovery, I have issues around my own silence with certain people; like especially my perp cousins mother, father and sister, not telling them has been to safeguard my aunt's fragile health. I worry though that it also protected my cousin too much and may have endangered others over the years. It also left me open to undeserved criticisms and plenty of misunderstanding.

I just think that NM has a very real right to her truth and to be able to move on with her life. She's given enough, if her ex wants to stay stuck that's his business, but she shouldn't have to.


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#355290 - 03/01/11 09:13 PM Re: Angry and need information [Re: 1.healing]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Robbie,

As a divorce lawyer, I can see that you got the visitation that many of my clients get. I'm glad the judge didn't order "supervised" time with your kids.

After working in this for a long time, Ive come to the conclusion "no fault" divorce laws make it too easy for a wife to dump her husband.

I'll also say, what has happened to you, has made me more cautious with my friend. He has a child, and for someone to use this against him in his role as a father, would be horrendous.

I hope the best for you. I'm sure you were a good husband and a great father.
D.



Edited by Disappointed (03/01/11 09:15 PM)
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