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#355179 - 02/28/11 10:52 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: Julia]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Don't be afraid to feel hurt. You have been impacted and while you don't want to dwell on that, you don't want to bury your feelings either. What Julia said is so true. There is no guarantee our exes will come back around, but they DEFINITELY won't if we don't give them space and take space for US to work on our own issues. The CSA issues do not make us crazy. Our exes don't make us crazy. We are impacted, but we only get as "crazy" as we let ourselves get. Is the journey hard as heck? You bet. But it's worth it to learn so much about yourself and in the end be a good and respectful supporter. These men deserve our love as any other human being. Sometimes that means distance or letting go. And you know what? YOU deserve self-love and self-respect...which also may mean distance or letting go. Hang in there. Be yourself. That's the only thing no one can take away from you unless you let them.


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#355196 - 03/01/11 04:36 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: hopeandtry]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
hope4him and Julia,

Thank you for your responses. I suppose I am now in a very angry place, angry with him and myself. As I've said in other posts I did not put in all the effort and understanding for him, it was for me and for the relationship I want and deserve. And if after his healing has begun and he's in a better place and I'm used goods I will find little solace in what I have learned. Because at the moment I have learned that I gave and got nothing in return.
I can see your points that I will heal and see some good in this experience. But I suppose right now I'm angry and need to vent. But who knows maybe next week or month I'll be in a better place.


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#355201 - 03/01/11 06:22 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
That is partly why you need time for yourself. I totally understand the feeling of being used just for support. I'm not saying that is their intention, but if you feel that way, you feel that way. However, IF you allow yourself to stick around and the same thing keeps happening, you have yourself to blame (which I'm sure you already realize). Also, focusing on him and yourself (separately) will ultimately make things better if you do come together.


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#355208 - 03/01/11 08:46 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
SunnyGirl Offline


Registered: 07/13/10
Posts: 79
Worldscentre,
Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be disappointed or hurt or whatever else you feel. The path to healing is not a straight one and the passage of time is not going to heal anything. Don't let anyone ever tell you that is the case. (If it were, MS would not exist because the mere passage time would then "magically" heal all survivors). So don't expect that in a week or in a month, you'll suddenly be past these feelings. But definitely allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Write a journal to vent your frustrations and use that to get out your feelings. Play angry songs. Play sad songs. Paint a painting. But let yourself grieve. That is all part of the process.

I don't think any of the supporters mean to imply it is easy. It is not. Giving the survivor in your life space and focusing on yourself is an extremely difficult thing to do. We see them hurting and want to help. We are hurting and we want them to comfort us. We want to be part of the process. We love them and want them to still be with us. But right now, he needs to focus on himself and learn some of the things that may be so inherent to you already -- like self-love.

It sounds like you guys may be talking still if he's giving you these updates from his T appointments. It's completely your call, but that's not really giving him space to work on him if he's still updating you. And it sounds like what he's sharing with you is just hurting you anyway. You may want to think about what boundaries you need to establish in order to be able to protect and focus on yourself right now. For me, that means no contact. It's not to punish my ex, but to give myself the space I need to heal, get past the anger, the hurt, the disappointment and try to find joy in life again.

People typically need to be happy with themselves before things work as a couple. Don't rush him or yourself.

SunnyGirl



Edited by SunnyGirl (03/01/11 11:08 PM)
Edit Reason: clarification
_________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

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#355212 - 03/01/11 09:11 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: SunnyGirl]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Thanks SunnyGirl, we are in no contact but happened to bump into one another and all this information came rushing out of him, I did say it wasnt the time or place. There is so much love still there and we both miss one another so I suppose he wanted to say what he could. But we know time apart is what is needed, so we're doing that. I dont even call to check on our cat! (I beleive she is ok).
I appreciate what you are saying and I suppose for a while I wasnt anything but sad but now the anger is coming to the surface. It is difficult but as you said I need to allow myself to feel what I feel. No quick fixes in life, I've learned that by now.


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#355256 - 03/01/11 02:23 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: Julia]
surflife2007 Offline


Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 43
How do I stop worrying about his issues and start looking more at my own insecurities? I'm struggling a lot with that...

frown


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#355301 - 03/01/11 11:22 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: surflife2007]
SunnyGirl Offline


Registered: 07/13/10
Posts: 79
It's hard to do, but focusing on yourself something that is necessary to move yourself to a better place. I'd suggest first trying to journal and write out your feelings. Focus on what YOU are feeling and be 100% honest with yourself. Find things that you enjoy and make time to incorporate them into your life (e.g., reading light-hearted chick-literature, working out, learning to dance, painting, singing songs, watching Glee, playing with your dog, volunteering). You need to have things in your life that are not about him. I'd also suggest finding a good T, if you don't have one already. Having someone to talk to openly and honestly about how your fiance's abuse impacts you is a complete game-changer in your own healing. Use those solo therapy sessions to not only to talk about how to be supportive of him, but about anything that is bothering you or that you need to work on about yourself. This is hard stuff and it's easy to feel very alone, misunderstood, and scared. If therapy is an option, don't force yourself to suffer through it alone. Find a skilled professional to help guide you as you figure out how to set boundaries and figure out what you need to cope and heal.

SunnyGirl

_________________________
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

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#355403 - 03/03/11 02:43 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: surflife2007]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
Surflife,

You'll stop when you've had your fill... probably not until then. Just like the survivor, you will get serious about getting help for yourself when you are tired of staying stuck. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. "It takes two to tango"...."fox smells his own hole".... "takes one to know one".... and even, "No I'm not, you are!"...all these apply.

When I finally gave up my occupation as an enema up my ex's butt, life became much more tollerable for the both of us, but most and first...for me! Life is more enjoyable and stable when your not spinning.

I know it is so hard... especially in the begining. But if he's told you about the abuse and your on this website you have a good idea what your in for. You have some serious decisions you will need to make.

Love,
Julia


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#359299 - 04/11/11 04:26 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: Julia]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Just an update:
So we met last week and he said he cant offer me more than friendship. My heart is broken. I got angry and forced him to say some stuff that he didnt want to, I'm so angry with him and myself. We met right after a T session and it was like he was using the exact words from that, without considering our situation. All I hear is he wants what best for me, but he never asks me what I want or feel. This conversation took place in the front of my car, he didnt even have the good grace to allow us a private place and some time. Thanks for all your advice. I just feel empty and angry that I am mixed with his abuse issues. I cant explain but thats how it feels, he never stood back and looked at it seperately. Well, I have to step away. Maybe he'll come back but maybe not. Right now I just feel sick.
But what does he do the very next day? Calls me when he has a cirsis in work.


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#359300 - 04/11/11 04:30 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Just a question:
We have been together around 5 years and I moved in with him over 2 years ago. Around that time he was going to propose but didnt, he doesnt know why. We were very happy at that time, there were some sexual issues but otherwise very happy. His T keeps asking if you were going to you would have married her by now. Is this the case? Or is it possible that abuse issues have prevented him taking that step? I'm aware it could just be me but I'm just wondering.


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