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#349506 - 01/01/11 01:53 PM "...and the wisdom to know the difference."
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
That is the part of the serenity statement that often eludes me in my recovery. Knowing what to accept and what to attempt to change has often been a struggle for me. A therapist once told me it was the ying and yang of both experiencing what I did as well as coming out alive at the end of it.

For a long time I never had the desire to join any kind of men's group. Then some years ago I decided not only did I need to but I also wanted it. I am a non-joiner by nature but see the possible benefits of it. Or at least I am willing to see if there are benefits. There is nothing as discouraging as finally dragging oneself to the point of accepting something and then to find that it is not available. Every year I make calls all around the area to see if there are any men's groups. I am given the same negative responses. But I try again the next year or so. That has gone on for many years now.

I wondered if I should just accept this or find a way to change it. I would go back and forth on that.

Last night I ended up at the Equality Center which is an hour from me. I had never been there before. A very nice guy gave me a tour of the place and explined some things about the place. He then introduced me to the executive director. We sat daown and talked and he went into further detail about what the center did for the community.

I was very impressed that not only do they offer things for the glbt community but extended it out for all folks. He told me of groups for coming out, transgendered preparation, domestic abuse and other issues. Therapists from the local community lead many of the groups. They also have fun stuff like dance classes as well as health presentations.

I asked him if they had any classes on sexual abuse. He said that they do not have any though he was sure it probably came up in other groups. I told him that I had been raped and that every year I make the rounds of phone calls looking for a men's group. And that every year I come up with the same results. He asked if I meant as a child and I said I was an adult. He told me that what they relied on was the people telling them what they needed. He looked me in the eye and told me that he would contact the lead therapist and talk to him about this. He assured me that it would happen. He said where there is the need for one there are many more who have not come forward for help. I am hesitantly hopeful but will wait to see how it goes. We exchanged business cards.

A bit later I found myself sitting with a man who shared how he had been raped in his early twenties. This was the first time I had ever met a man in person who had been assaulted as an adult. It is a bit hard to explain what that meant to me.

I am hesitantly hopeful about the group and will keep in touch with the ceter. This is something I need to work on - what is in the realm of possibility of changing and what there is to accept. I need more of the wisdom to know the difference. Otherwise I may be accepting what I do not have to. And that is worse than beating my head against the wall. At least in my opinion.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#349533 - 01/01/11 08:20 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
Guss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/17/10
Posts: 26
Loc: tx usa
The nearest group to me is 2.5 hrs away. It is too far for me to attend on a regular basis. I am thankful for this site. At least I can chat online with others who would understand.
Daryl I was 20 when I was attacked by a monster coworker. I was fortunate that by the time he decided he wanted to penetrate me, I had become emotionally strong enough to tell him I'd kill him if he did. To this day, I cannot stand the thought of anyone's mouth on my body. I freak out if anyone touches my penis. I have finally gotten where I can endure an annual physical, and prostate exam. It has taken over 30 years for me.
Don't give up on yourself.
God bless you
Guss

_________________________
moooooo

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#349543 - 01/01/11 09:58 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: Guss]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Daryl,

Bravo to you for making the effort to find a meeting: maybe you can advertise and start one and reach out to more organizations in your area. Sounds like you already got some good results from doing the footwork.

The serenity prayer portion you cite is powerful, and wisdom comes through action and experience and awakening. I cannot change other people, I can only change me, my actions, and mature as a man: in doing so, I leave behind the childish, immature, chaos and crazy making, enmeshed, co-dependent, and hurt ways that served me well in my defensiveness.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#349763 - 01/04/11 04:04 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
A bit later I found myself sitting with a man who shared how he had been raped in his early twenties. This was the first time I had ever met a man in person who had been assaulted as an adult. It is a bit hard to explain what that meant to me.


That sounds useful... might get a lot of that in a group.

Could you give it a try?

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#352293 - 01/29/11 10:21 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: LandOfShadow]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
LoS,

Yes, I would be willing to give it a try. I think I am to the point of doing this.

Right now I am wrestling with whether to keep knocking on the door or retreat and let it be. My knuckles are a bit sore right now.

I have been in constant communication with the director. I asked about the group again on the 12th. I again stated I understand that this takes time but just wanted an update of some sort. He and I had shared email messages a few times that day. I have not heard from him since then.

He has my personal email, work email, cell phone and work numbers and even fax.

There is a sense of peace in just letting it go. Or maybe that is avoidance of the pain in reaching out again.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (01/29/11 11:06 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#352323 - 01/29/11 06:06 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Daryl,

YOUR WORTH the "wisdom" to keep trying. In keep with the title of your post - which btw sorry to be joining in late - I believe the wisdom is within you.

YOUR a good man. Keep going your doing well.

smile Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#352363 - 01/30/11 09:26 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: Avery46]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 210
Loc: Oregon
Daryl,
You are amazing.
You kept looking for what you wanted, found it wasn't available and started the process to, hopefully, get what you want/need.
So please accept this pat on your back, because we all get tired of doing that for ourselves.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#357797 - 03/27/11 11:18 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: philistine]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Here we go again...

It has been a long time since I have received any word from the center on the proposed group. My knucles became sore from knocking on the door. I eventually retreated and it caused me to go into a five week deep depression from the feelings of rejection. I again felt the strong pangs that there is nothing out there for men who have been raped as adults. No books, no specialty therapists and no one gives a crap to change it. Is there truth to all I just said? Yes, I sincerely believe it to be so. Did I carry it to a detrimental point? Of course I did. I feel I am right in this viewpoint but it is not right how I allow it to affect me and deter my efforts to change it. It just all makes me feel like a dismissed fool telling a far fetched story too amazing to believe. To me the message is that it either does not happen or as a man I can deal with it.

The deep depression passed and life went on as usual - for the good and the bad of that. I bought an okay book on adult male rape and have been reading it kind of slowly. I received a PM from a guy here talking of giving to others. That made me think of the young man who was attacked recently in Tulsa for being gay - he was beaten and bloodied up pretty good for daring to be gay. That caused me to think of the guys who are young - college rapes do not just involve women. And how if there was a visible group for them maybe they would seek help. I felt selfish for not pursuing this any further.

I emailed the center's director just now. I then emailed the United Way in Tulsa - at one time they had groups for men. At least that is what my last therapist told me. So I asked them if they had any right now and if not if they had any plans to do so. In both emails I cited my concerns for the young men out there at risk and what this might mean to them.

I am still wrestling with the wisdom thing but I still think this is needed. Whether they do or not.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (03/27/11 11:28 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#357831 - 03/27/11 02:42 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Daryl,

I hope very much that those two organizations will see the need and respond to it. It is true that college is a very formative time in a lot of peoples' lives and that is where experiences like rape often happen for many people. Sometimes colleges will have groups on campus that promote awareness about sexual assault, my brother's college i noticed has support for male rape survivors.

Sometimes giving to others can give us the "push" we need to get out of our own little worlds and start living life again. I think about trying to find some way to volunteer again, if only to get out of the house and to know that I do, on some level, still have something to give to this world.

You are trying to find the support & resources from your community so that you can bloom where you are planted. There is no reason to ever feel ashamed like that, and I admire your courage in seeking the help you need.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#358424 - 04/02/11 04:06 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I just read an email from the center's director asking me to choose a day to have lunch or dinner with him. He wants to discuss how "we" can do this. I must admit I kind of wanted "them" to do it. I sent him back a message asking if Friday would work since I am off that day.

I did get a message back from the United Way and was given a number and a website. It is for the agency that deals with domestic abuse and rape services. I was assured there were groups for men. I could not find evidence of that on the website and I have not called the number yet. I will contact them next week. Maybe if they do then the center could work with them and not have to go from the ground up with this.

I know, I know. Who am I talking to - you or me?

(Sighs and reaches for a Dew, some Tylenol and a scoop of Calgon)


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
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