I'm struggling, but I'm growing so much at the same time.
I let go of one maladaptive behavior a couple weeks ago, seeking love and validation through the pursuit of sex, and since I've let that go, I am sensing a shift in my boundaries, how I observe and interact with people, and how people are interacting with me.
I see a larger picture now. I can see how I've been interacting with people in the past, sexualizing every interaction I have with people. I can see how other people are acting out on their own character issues. I was taking their behavior personally, like it reflected on me.
I feel like I've risen above. I see from a new vista, where I was, and how I was behaving, and how it didn't work, and why it didn't work.
I still struggle. The compulsion to act out is there. But instead of fighting it, I find myself simply observing it, and questioning it. Relating to it. Looking for feelings, thoughts, beliefs. As I move through the cravings for love and affection, I see a new world.
I'm struggling with letting go of alcohol. I decided to let this go at the beginning of the week, and I get insomnia when I don't have a few glasses of wine before bed. Talked to my Dr, and she prescribed lunesta. Going to pick it up today.
I'm fascinated by this - sensing a new world by withdrawing from CSA maladaptive behavior. I feel like I'm having a spiritual awakening as a result of taking this move, and observing / meditating on my compulsions, thoughts, and feelings.
I really want to be free of alcohol now. I feel it holding me back, for the first time ever, in my life. It no longer serves its purpose (numbing the pain of disconnection and loneliness).
That's it from me. I've been reading vociferously through the forums, dating all the way back to '01. A lot of people come through here, sharing exactly the same struggles we do.
I feel immense gratitude for MaleSurvivor.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.