I can't not be abuse. Period. A lot of bystanders to abuse dont do anything to stop it, especially when its someone they love thats the abuser. They dont want to acknowledge that its happening just like we dissociated to avoid having to feel the pain and acknowledge it ourselves. The guilt you feel does not belong to you, it belongs to your mother for allowing you to be put through what you were. I know thats easy just to say but becoming angry at your mother for just standing by will help get rid of that guilt you feel and place the blame where it belongs....on her.