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#352078 - 01/26/11 09:23 PM If you knew then....would you have stayed??
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
If you knew early on about the CSA..would have you stood by your man and continued the relationship!?!?

My guy friend told me after knowing each other a WEEK! He said he just knew he could trust me. (AND he was right!!!) It's been 6 months now...and we are friends..he canNOT do anymore at this time..has not even kissed me..he is comfortable being friends. In the state he is in now...I prefer friends, too!! (He is going thru his 2nd divorce to a TOTAL witch!!!)

He is in his 40's. Many years ago he went thru EXTENSIVE therapy...and continues to call his shrink, as needed. The divorce and this despicable women is tearing him apart!!

I can see his soul..he is an AMAZING, incredible man in SO many ways~! He gets depressed a lot..meds don't help enough in my opinion and I have told him so.

He is difficult....as MANY of the guys here say they are..

I don't want to leave...as he is so special to me...but I know I am in for a LONG road....


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#352132 - 01/27/11 02:31 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yep, I would have stayed, regardless of when I found out.


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#352133 - 01/27/11 02:43 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
I knew about his CSA, but I didn't know the reality of how it affects a marriage. I made my decision then based on how I felt about him, not his abuse. I would do it again. Now I won't lie and say that throughout our marriage I never wished I had left. There were times when I felt that leaving my marriage was the only thing I could do. What I've come to realize now is that those years and times when it was so hard, I had a role to play in it too. I did not educate myself on CSA, I did not seek out a support system, I did not grow myself to be a stronger person for my H. Had I done these things back then, I am sure I would have had a different perspective on things. But ofcourse I didn't have to deal with H acting out, lies, addiction or things to that nature. It was mostly our lack of intimacy and connection so I can't speak for those who have had to deal with those kind of heartbreaking things with their H. But I am glad I said yes and that I stayed. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else. My H now comes home and kisses me on the forehead, he holds my hand at night, he loves on me like never before. All thanks to him going to a T and me doing what I need to do for him. I wish you the best of luck. Only you will know if he is the one.



Edited by iwanttocry (01/27/11 02:44 PM)

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#352134 - 01/27/11 02:44 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: iwanttocry]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
I meant never wished I would leave. I did want to leave many, many times.


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#352150 - 01/27/11 07:14 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: iwanttocry]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Thanks I want to cry!!! ANd hope 4 him!!

I agree..I think it is REALLY smart to research and educate! Thus why I am on my 2nd book...and found this place!!! I need to prepare myself and know what to say/do and what not..and to understand the MANY sides of him....rather what makes him tick..and WHY...everything is VERY eye opening to me....but makes a LOT of sense, too. There are no lies, no addiction, etc....like you..I worry about intimacy...down the road..because it ain't happening now...yet we have talked about "it" EXTENSIVELY. We are VERY open and honest with one another..

For me..it's one day at a time...and thinking about TODAY....seems to be healthiest...


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#352668 - 02/02/11 10:38 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 380
Quote:
If you knew early on about the CSA..would have you stood by your man and continued the relationship!?!?


Yes.


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#352722 - 02/03/11 07:27 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: sugarbaby]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
Would I have stayed? Ummmmm...heck yeah! 40 years for us Feb 6th! I'd say we've passed some kind of a milestone!

_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#353652 - 02/14/11 01:36 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: hannah7]
kjessie Offline


Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 28
My boyfriend and I met over Facebook. We're both working in the same domain, so we had heard about each other through mutual friends. I was married back and unhappy, wondering if I should stay with my ex or not and he just found out a few weeks before that his girlfriend had cheated on him. He told me 2 weeks after our first chatsession I think, for the same reason: he felt he could trust me. We're now 3 months and a half further and with my help he decided to start dealing with it. Sometimes he says that it is his problem, that I shouldn't have to go through all this, but I know that if i was the survivor and he was the partner, he'd help me too. So hell yeah, I'm not going anywhere! smile


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#353694 - 02/15/11 02:09 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
Put simply yes! It's never been easy, but I cannot imagine being without him.

This is my first post on this board. He recently has recognized his CSA and I knew all along that things were not right. It's a roller coaster, but not one I ever plan on getting off. I just hope that we can finally find some peace and normalcy and get beyond the severe loliness within our relationship that has been there from the very beginning.

I love my husband and fully support his recovery and am so very thankful that he is now ready to allow himself to start living.

Thank you for your thoughts and listening ears.

timetoheal



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#353712 - 02/15/11 08:42 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: timetoheal]
kjessie Offline


Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 28
Welcome a board Lisa! It's a good thing that he made that step of recovering from his CSA.

Love,

Jessie


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#354501 - 02/22/11 07:39 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: kjessie]
No_intimacy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/02/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Mesa, AZ
No. Hind-sight being 20/20, I’d run like hell.

Not because of the CSA per se, but because after more than ten years from his first disclosure to me, he is still unable to consider recovery work for the CSA and/or the resultant PTSD/drug addictions. I fear he will go to his grave carrying this. It is like living with an automaton.

I could deal with the likelihood that survivors can get worse before getting better. I could deal with the isolation and loneliness while the marriage is set aside during recovery work. Dealing with the seemingly never-ending denial that his CSA affects him, affects his relationships, and affects our marriage is gut wrenching and appears to have no end in sight. So, if I had known ten years ago that there would be no progress toward recovery, very little intimacy between us, that we’d be at exactly the same place: No, I would not have stayed.

It is true that I might not have learned all I’ve learned if I had not lived these past years ten years also surviving the aftereffects of my husband’s CSA. But I also would not have had to do my own recovery work for the mental abuse trauma I've endured from him either. Just know that it takes the effort of Titans to maintain or regain your mental health living long term within a mentally unhealthy environment. Also know that understanding is the Booby Prize.

Peace.

_________________________
_Mj

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#354515 - 02/22/11 09:37 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: No_intimacy]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
Wow MJ Believe it or not I know and have been where you are coming from. Being away from the man I love and the father of my children just does not seem like an option. It scares the hell out of me to be without him, but enduring all of the pain is and seems endless. I choose to believe that we are moving forward , even though many days I am confused as hell. I tried it without him during a brief time of our marriage, the pain I bore during that time was far worse. Maybe I am crazy, but I do love him so very much. I have invested moe than half of my life in this man. I just can't go now.
The best to you, be well and be strong.
timetoheal


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#354546 - 02/23/11 04:22 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: kjessie]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Yes, but sometimes I think maybe I should have run a long time ago. I felt very priviliged that he trusted me enough to tell me and in a way that brought us closer together but I didnt realise how much it can tear us apart in other ways.
The times I wished I'd run is when he pushes me away, when the next step of mariage and children doesn't happen. But then again hes the only one I want to marry and have children with and part of that is due to what we have dealt with together.
I know we are more than the after effects of abuse but I've come to accept it will always be a part of us. I just hope that he comes back to me.


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#354582 - 02/23/11 02:52 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: worldscentre]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I agree with MJ 100%. While I was trying to be understanding and had tons of empathy for what he went through, I didn't stop to notice how he was destroying me and our kids. We have been verbally & emotionally abused by this man. He believes that we all have mental disorders and he is suffering because of them. I am all for people healing, and would and tried to help him do just that, but there comes a time in one's life they have to OWN up to how they treat someone, and stop blaming their bad childhood. Everyone has something, no childhood was perfect....but as adults we make the decisions to "ACT OUT" mistreat, bully, abuse others. No one has a right to treat someone else poorly,PERIOD. So no I would not have stayed.


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#354945 - 02/26/11 02:47 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: NY Daisy]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
The wisdom and understanding of all in this post literally comes through the page; I think you're all amazing.

For we survivors I think it's worth observing that there is tremendous support and love for those willing to go through the healing process and there is more often than not a better life ahead for us and for the people who love us too. For those unwilling to do the work it seems a legacy of pain and a sad path of destruction lays in the wake and to me that's too much like the perpetrator wins.

Difficult as it is do the work, in the process of saving ourselves perhaps we'll make life better for others too. I think I'll try to work harder.

Love and peace to all on this journey.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#354947 - 02/26/11 03:05 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: 1.healing]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Good for you Daisy.....It's all part of recovery...EVERYONE (adults)has to stand up for their right to be treated with care and respect....
And not tolerate abuse from anyone......
Your post is a breath of fresh air to me...
Regards,
Steve


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#355707 - 03/06/11 09:58 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: kjessie]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Nope! Unless he was willing to go for counseling. The effects of CSA on a marriage can be so hard.


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#356298 - 03/12/11 04:02 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
LoveHimMore Offline


Registered: 03/12/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Houston, Texas
Originally Posted By: Friend2help
If you knew early on about the CSA..would have you stood by your man and continued the relationship!?!?


As long as he was willing then to do what he is doing now, I would have stood by him. He was my best friend before he was boyfriend.


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