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#352078 - 01/26/11 09:23 PM If you knew then....would you have stayed??
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
If you knew early on about the CSA..would have you stood by your man and continued the relationship!?!?

My guy friend told me after knowing each other a WEEK! He said he just knew he could trust me. (AND he was right!!!) It's been 6 months now...and we are friends..he canNOT do anymore at this time..has not even kissed me..he is comfortable being friends. In the state he is in now...I prefer friends, too!! (He is going thru his 2nd divorce to a TOTAL witch!!!)

He is in his 40's. Many years ago he went thru EXTENSIVE therapy...and continues to call his shrink, as needed. The divorce and this despicable women is tearing him apart!!

I can see his soul..he is an AMAZING, incredible man in SO many ways~! He gets depressed a lot..meds don't help enough in my opinion and I have told him so.

He is difficult....as MANY of the guys here say they are..

I don't want to leave...as he is so special to me...but I know I am in for a LONG road....


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#352132 - 01/27/11 02:31 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yep, I would have stayed, regardless of when I found out.


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#352133 - 01/27/11 02:43 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
I knew about his CSA, but I didn't know the reality of how it affects a marriage. I made my decision then based on how I felt about him, not his abuse. I would do it again. Now I won't lie and say that throughout our marriage I never wished I had left. There were times when I felt that leaving my marriage was the only thing I could do. What I've come to realize now is that those years and times when it was so hard, I had a role to play in it too. I did not educate myself on CSA, I did not seek out a support system, I did not grow myself to be a stronger person for my H. Had I done these things back then, I am sure I would have had a different perspective on things. But ofcourse I didn't have to deal with H acting out, lies, addiction or things to that nature. It was mostly our lack of intimacy and connection so I can't speak for those who have had to deal with those kind of heartbreaking things with their H. But I am glad I said yes and that I stayed. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else. My H now comes home and kisses me on the forehead, he holds my hand at night, he loves on me like never before. All thanks to him going to a T and me doing what I need to do for him. I wish you the best of luck. Only you will know if he is the one.



Edited by iwanttocry (01/27/11 02:44 PM)

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#352134 - 01/27/11 02:44 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: iwanttocry]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
I meant never wished I would leave. I did want to leave many, many times.


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#352150 - 01/27/11 07:14 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: iwanttocry]
Friend2help Offline


Registered: 12/25/10
Posts: 39
Thanks I want to cry!!! ANd hope 4 him!!

I agree..I think it is REALLY smart to research and educate! Thus why I am on my 2nd book...and found this place!!! I need to prepare myself and know what to say/do and what not..and to understand the MANY sides of him....rather what makes him tick..and WHY...everything is VERY eye opening to me....but makes a LOT of sense, too. There are no lies, no addiction, etc....like you..I worry about intimacy...down the road..because it ain't happening now...yet we have talked about "it" EXTENSIVELY. We are VERY open and honest with one another..

For me..it's one day at a time...and thinking about TODAY....seems to be healthiest...


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#352668 - 02/02/11 10:38 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Quote:
If you knew early on about the CSA..would have you stood by your man and continued the relationship!?!?


Yes.


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#352722 - 02/03/11 07:27 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: sugarbaby]
hannah7 Offline


Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 30
Would I have stayed? Ummmmm...heck yeah! 40 years for us Feb 6th! I'd say we've passed some kind of a milestone!

_________________________
And again and again Jesus said: It is I, I that you love, I that you enjoy, I that you serve. It is I that you long for, I that you desire, I that you mean. It is I that am enough for you. (Julian of Norwich)

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#353652 - 02/14/11 01:36 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: hannah7]
kjessie Offline


Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 28
My boyfriend and I met over Facebook. We're both working in the same domain, so we had heard about each other through mutual friends. I was married back and unhappy, wondering if I should stay with my ex or not and he just found out a few weeks before that his girlfriend had cheated on him. He told me 2 weeks after our first chatsession I think, for the same reason: he felt he could trust me. We're now 3 months and a half further and with my help he decided to start dealing with it. Sometimes he says that it is his problem, that I shouldn't have to go through all this, but I know that if i was the survivor and he was the partner, he'd help me too. So hell yeah, I'm not going anywhere! smile


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#353694 - 02/15/11 02:09 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
timetoheal Offline


Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
Put simply yes! It's never been easy, but I cannot imagine being without him.

This is my first post on this board. He recently has recognized his CSA and I knew all along that things were not right. It's a roller coaster, but not one I ever plan on getting off. I just hope that we can finally find some peace and normalcy and get beyond the severe loliness within our relationship that has been there from the very beginning.

I love my husband and fully support his recovery and am so very thankful that he is now ready to allow himself to start living.

Thank you for your thoughts and listening ears.

timetoheal



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#353712 - 02/15/11 08:42 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: timetoheal]
kjessie Offline


Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 28
Welcome a board Lisa! It's a good thing that he made that step of recovering from his CSA.

Love,

Jessie


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