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#350 - 07/28/03 11:22 AM Shadows
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
What was and what could have been.
What will be and what could.

I am surrounded by these shadows. At times they overhwhelm me. Not only my shadows but those of others. There seems to be no end to them.

When I see a child happily and obviously engrosed with a care giver; the laughter the delight of both; the bonding and the love I am haunted by the shadow of my past. The terror, the pain and the low sense of worth. I am so happy for the child and am also terribly jealous of that child. The shadow of what could have been for me invades my counscious and the frustration of knowing will never happen is soo soo painful. No matter what I cannot achieve what that child has. My time for that is past forever. I rage against it but it is futile.

When I see a child being physically or mentaly being abused and can see the terror lines and sense of futility in the childs eyes I want to kill, yes kill, that caregiver. Do they not know what they are doing. I see the shadow of the future for that child and I rage against the seemingly not caring how that child turns out. The emotional and physical scars will follow the child through life. The shadow of what could be for that child haunts me because I know that there is yet another victim to be wounded and possibly healed. But the pain is almost unbearable for me.

When I see young men bonded together in obvious affection and cameraderie the shadows are terrible for me. The obvious love that is shared between brothers, expressed in their eyes and character. The cameraderie among young men who are comfortable with themselves and each other brings to me a shadow so vast and hurtful about what was for me that I should cry but cannot. There is a sense of futility in it for me. My time is past and I can never have it. But the longing is like a drug. I am so jealous for what they have. The anger and rage is unbearable. The shadow of what could have been I cannot bear to see. Because it can never be. How can I be whole.

When I see partners so obviously in love. Who have the joy in thier eyes for one another and who share the good and the bad together I become soo soo angry and jealous. The shadow of what was for me is like a slimy blanket trying to smother me. The re-enacting, the lying are the worst parts of that shadow. I have a sense of futility about it. My partner has been with me for 36 years. Did she deserve it? No she did not. Can I change it? No I cannot. I should cry but I cannot. I rage against myself for being what I was and what I have done.

The shadow of what could have been is just to unbearable to see. But it invades me like a sword aimed at the total me. It should have been but cannot. Am I to meet my maker as a broken thing who was not worthy of redemption? I honestly do not know?

When I look areound me at MSORG I see so many shadows that they overlap and are like an evil cloak that clouds are thinking and our relationships; in fact everything about us. And we struggle and rage and pursue that which we do not have and for that I am thankful. Because of the total I can have faith and a sense that the shadow of what can be will come true for us all.

I will try and send all these shadows where I am trying to put my SA; in that garbage dump labelled "No Longer Required". Can I do it? I do not know. And that my brothers is the absolutely WORST SHADOW OF ALL

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#351 - 07/28/03 11:55 AM Re: Shadows
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
The shadow of what could have been is just to unbearable to see. But it invades me like a sword aimed at the total me. It should have been but cannot. Am I to meet my maker as a broken thing who was not worthy of redemption? I honestly do not know?
Mike,

I do know. They tried to break you. They failed. They tried to recruit you to join in the destruction of Mike Church, and for a time they seemed to succeed. But ultimately they failed.

You are not broken. You are a man, in the finest sense that word could ever carry. Your work here with other survivors, your lobbying work for just laws, your powerful comforting presence in the lives of so many all attest to your greatness.

Quote:
When I look areound me at MSORG I see so many shadows that they overlap and are like an evil cloak that clouds are thinking and our relationships; in fact everything about us. And we struggle and rage and pursue that which we do not have and for that I am thankful. Because of the total I can have faith and a sense that the shadow of what can be will come true for us all.
It will be true because there are so many lights like you. The shadows cannot band together but we do. They cannot die, but they will not rule. The shadows have no substance, no depth, not even an existence when subjected to the light. You, personally, have helped shine a healing light on so many shadows that by yourself you are a gift to those who suffer beneath the shadows.

Quote:
I will try and send all these shadows where I am trying to put my SA; in that garbage dump labelled "No Longer Required". Can I do it? I do not know. And that my brothers is the absolutely WORST SHADOW OF ALL
In time you will do it. We can and will help you against your shadows, as you help us against our own. Remember the sig line from James:

Quote:
And let the darkness fear our light.
Each of us is a candle, and when we come together we illuminate a great safe space. None of our shadows can rest there.

Shine on, Mikey, and we'll shine with you.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#352 - 07/28/03 10:27 PM Re: Shadows
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Mike,

I feel for you and understand your anger their is much to mourn and much to be angry at.

Shadow is the abscence of light. Nothing more. You shed light here and chase shadows away! By doing that you give meaning to your suffering, your understanding helps others chase off their own shadows.

I just read your reply to my post about self-esteem and your post about how proud you were to rebuild your body just for YOU. Thanks for that understanding -- a little shadow was shown some light.

We need those things that are just for us. To replenish us. To take comfort in and remind us of who we are. To give us some more energy to chase a few more shadows.

You are a strong and remarkable man to lead us to where the shadows lie.

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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