Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 47 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63119 Topics
441403 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#351944 - 01/25/11 10:04 PM i'm done.
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1277
Loc: kansas
well, once again i've been proven that my presence here is only for others. it's not for me.

during the timeframe of 8:00pm t0 8:30 pm central time i was in chat.

it was asked if there was a topic. anyone want to say anything.

i post that apparently a couple of guys wanted to throw me an online party here on ms friday night to try and make my birthday special since it's been already horrid and painful...

and once again it looks like i got completely ignored by 15 people in chat at the time. not a single word was uttered. no form of acknowledgment at all...

thanks for the support guys... oh, that's right, there wasn't any at all...

well, i'll just go.. no need to worry about any party. don't know when i'll be back, if ever.



Edited by Obi (01/25/11 10:05 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#351954 - 01/25/11 11:58 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11021
Loc: Denver, CO
I'd rather you stay, Todd. I've watched you fill the cup of others, and wish your cup would be filled in return.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#351955 - 01/26/11 12:07 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: FormerTexan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
2nd that - I hope you choose to stay.

It sounds like you're feeling really sensitive and felt rejected when the room didn't respond to you. You took it personally when there wasn't a response.

You've been helpful for me in chat and with your presence online.

I hope that you choose to stick around.

D

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#351958 - 01/26/11 12:17 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: Magellan]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Hey Obi....i hope you stay too. You're a great guy and an inspiration to many...

Forrest

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#351962 - 01/26/11 01:11 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: Darkheart]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 361
Loc: American South
__________


Top
#351975 - 01/26/11 08:08 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: tommyb]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Todd,

I hate that you felt ignored in chat last night with this announcement. It is an easy sting to feel and I think all have felt it at one time or another when his comment got washed along with other conversations. I was there last night and involved in PMs and had very little interaction with the chat due to that fact.

I try to chalk it up to guys being in PMs, otherwise occupied or they just missed my comments.

Things like this can be very triggering for some. I can understand that.

Birthdays are like holidays - they can easily trip us up. It is why I prefer to skip it and not have to worry about disappointments.

I hope today is a much better day for you.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#351976 - 01/26/11 08:13 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: prisonerID]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
Obi-one bro. hope you stay around.
me


Top
#351983 - 01/26/11 09:37 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: teebone21]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1277
Loc: kansas
andy,

i wished it would be filled too but apparently that's not happening yet again... yes, i said again because this isn't the first, second, third, fourth or even fifth time this has happened... would be nice to at least receive some acknowledgement... isn't that what we all want/need? to be heard? to be acknowleged?

magellan,

you're welcome for whatever help i've provided you.
yes, i took it personally because i need support too.
many people here know how hard this time of year is for me and how it got ruined again... a little support would've been helpful.
the question was asked in chat.. is there any topic. anything anyone wants to share... i shared and not anything in return.. yet, other things were being discussed after i shared... not everyone was talking exclusively in pm's...

forrest,

thanks for the compliment... however it seems like that's all i am anymore... just a sounding board, phsychologist or whatever...

nevermind that i have issues too and need support too...

tommy,

thanks... not sure if i will be... right now i feel like i've been used... just take what people need from me and leave me dangling in the wind... i know, dramatic... however, that's what it feels like to me....

daryl,

thanks... however, i refer you to my response to magellan...

the question was raised... couple of guys were looking for something to discuss in chat.. i thought it would be an opportunity to share some of what's going on, some of my pain, and to hopefully look positively at my upcoming birthday instead of dreading it....

yup..... NOTHING......

not everyone was talking exclusively in pm's...

i'm sorry but this is really starting to piss me off....


i give and give and give and give... i give to help as many as possible even though i'm hurting too...

HEY FOLKS! GUESS WHAT?! I HAVE F***ING ISSUES TOO!!!!

I NEED SUPPORT TOO!!!!

i don't even know why i expected different... i hardly ever got support growing up. was pretty much ignored... it's still the same..

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#351984 - 01/26/11 09:48 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Obi,

For what its worth, I'm kind of one of your lurkers. PM me if you need something.


Top
#351985 - 01/26/11 09:51 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
Emmitt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 19
I was in chat at that time and I didnt respond. I appologize. I truly hope you dont leave MS. Since I got here a few weeks ago, you have been extreemly supportive and I thank you.

If you need to talk, I want to listen.

I hope you reconsider. I value you greatly.

j



Edited by Emmitt (01/26/11 09:51 AM)

Top
#351986 - 01/26/11 10:07 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Todd,

My father in law, who has passed away many years ago sadly, always said "if you're looking for gratitude don't look to your kids". Now they had a beautiful family and that was a joke line getting laughs from all in the room. Of course my wife and her sisters would go do a little girlie torture with kisses and hugs, "oh we're grateful dad" and so on. However, his point was that children don't know enough to be grateful or show it. His point wasn't that one should do the things he and my mother in law did for their family, just that don't expect big thank yous for it.

I would say you let a situation here trigger you to those years in which you "hardly ever got support growing up". Perhaps you even encouraged the trigger by putting something out there...(granted I don't know how the scene played out)...and then sort of left it to see if someone would pick it up and then triggered to the emotional state of feeling unsupported as a child. If you wanted to have a do, or rather if I wanted to have a do, I'd be all "hey, come on what are you doing Friday night, come on, aw blow that off, I wanna have a party"...you know, a little pushy...but since you know me, that should come as no surprise lol...you simply can't expect a mixed group of csa survivors looking for some kind of lifeline in a chat room for themselves to always "get" what YOU need. That you often what others need is a statement about your sensitivity...that they don't always get it isn't a statement on your worth, but more where they are at that moment. You're hearing abuse messages from their silence...their silence is their abuse messages..."well he wouldn't want ME around anyway, why would someone want me around for their birthday".

Just a few thoughts from an old friend...and sorry, but I AM busy Friday night bud...I'll mentally dedicate one of our tunes to you though as we play it Todd! Coincidentally we're playing a piece with the subtitle "Heroic"...how's that?

all the best,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#351988 - 01/26/11 10:12 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: sono]
teebone21 Offline


Registered: 10/31/10
Posts: 187
Loc: Zaandam
YA what he said.
and STAY!


Top
#351993 - 01/26/11 11:01 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: teebone21]
static_00 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/11
Posts: 62
Loc: Michigan
Hey Todd,

I was in the room last night and was not really up to talking, just wanted to be surrounded by everyone there. I saw your message and wrongly assumed that there were already people that contacted you about having a get together online Friday night. I was actually quite happy at the time that you would get a positive experience for your Birthday. I did not know it was a request for support or you wanted people to join in the discussion (thought it was an announcement).

I'm still very new to this and want to be there to support and receive support from you my brother(s).

I'll be online Friday night for you Todd. Let me know what time.

Hope to see you Friday,
Eric

_________________________
WoR Alumni
Hope Springs 2011

I've learned that the shame we carry is our overwhelming burden. Amazingly, it does not weigh down others if we open up and share with them. Realizing that the shame is not ours to own makes all the difference in the world.

Top
#352000 - 01/26/11 11:25 AM Re: i'm done. [Re: static_00]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
OBI

I saw ur lines and i say to who i was talking pm theres a party for Obi on friday i gotta be there
And i was about to type some silly lines and smilyes faces in the chat room but then i remembered when I say Hey Obi wan and make my smiley faces and all u just reply hey G and dont talk to me anymore so... i was thinking that maybe im not one of ur buds here, that maybe ur buds have all set up, or maybe u just dont like me cos im pretty silly, so i said to myself im gonna be there on friday nite and sing las maņanitas to Obi
So...
Im gona be there friday to have Obi`s party






Edited by mrwhiskers (01/26/11 11:27 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

Top
#352013 - 01/26/11 12:17 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: mrwhiskers]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1277
Loc: kansas
kevin,

thanks for the dedication... i don't see myself as a hero... but i appreciate it nonetheless.

and your right... i shouldn't be selfish....

j and eric,

sorry, i'm just an ol' fool.... i shouldn't have laid any of that blame on you guys or anyone else...

tee,

thanks.... *sighs*..... i guess i'll stay... i'm just really hurting... this is a very very difficult and painful time of year for me.... i really need the support now...


g,

i like you. i don't have an issue with you. when i come into chat and people say hey to me.. i respond by saying their name back. that is my way to say hey back, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, it's a sign of respect that i give....



i don't know when the party is or if it'll even take place... i don't think i was even supposed to know about it, more like surprise... but it's my understanding that there are two people involved in the planning and one of them told me because he wanted to make me feel better... even though he won't tell me his accomplice....

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#352021 - 01/26/11 12:35 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
Max10 Offline


Registered: 09/28/10
Posts: 69
Loc: Oregon
Don't let chat ruin your experience here. I found it equally as frustrating and stay away from it now. There's plenty of support here in the forums. I hope you won't give up on us.

_________________________
Have a wonderful day.....no matter what!

~Max10~
~ I am not a victim...I am a survivor! ~

Top
#352030 - 01/26/11 01:49 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Max10]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1277
Loc: kansas
ok....

i'm receiving conflicting messages.....

first i'm told to be selfish. put myself first... take care of my needs... ok, this is hard for me to do because i have a pet peeve about being selfish... i don't like being selfish... BUT, i've been learning to be a little more selfish...

next i'm being told that i should just do and don't expect anything in return... ummmm... ok.... so, i should just help and not be selfish and want/expect help back?

i thought ms was a place of support. a place where we survivors can receive help and support for others....

well.... here it is....

i'm GOING to be selfish for a little bit...

it's about balance folks... i'm constantly giving.. very rarely taking anything back....

BALANCE.... i need support too and i'm putting my pain and hurt and struggles out there looking for support because i need it too...

so, to that i say, for those who wish to validate my feelings, my thoughts and want to support/help me by just talking to me i would GREATLY APPRECIATE IT!!!

we all need support and validation... balance... WE ALL NEED IT.. not just some of us... ALL OF US!!!

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#352033 - 01/26/11 02:28 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
Sacred_Sage Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 141
Hey Todd,

If I had been in chat that night, I would have responded. I usually do when someone says they need help.

Yeah, you do need balance. I need balance. Everyone needs balance.

Some people are bogged down by their problems that they can't give you the support you need. So they might seem like they just take and take and take. It's about healing and getting to the point where they can finally give something of themselves to you and others.

I had a rough time being selfish myself too, but I came to realize that I needed to do so. Everyone's got needs.

People on here care about you... this should be evident with all the feedback you're getting.

If you want, I'll be on Friday night if you give me a time, and I'll join in celebrating your birthday. Heck, you want talk about something in between then and now, I'll PM you and go from there.

You do so much for this place, and I want to give you that support you need.

Cameron

_________________________
http://youtu.be/HL297ZTYVRM <---- In case you ever wondered what I sound like.

Top
#352034 - 01/26/11 02:37 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Sacred_Sage]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1277
Loc: kansas
thanks cameron.....



i really don't know when the party is... i was told that, if it happens, it will be sometime friday evening...

i guess a special room is going to be set up in chat for those who want to join the party..

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#352054 - 01/26/11 05:50 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Obi,

I know what you mean. It hurts to be ignored. Very Badly.

Glad your staying.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#352057 - 01/26/11 06:12 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Obi
....during the timeframe of 8:00pm t0 8:30 pm central time i was in chat. ...


obi, far be it from me to say this --since i think chat is part of the new fake world men have created to avoid life-- but how does anyone know those people were really on?

maybe they'd stepped away or had actually logged off? or were chatting privately or had 18 different sessions going on across 18 different chat websites other than this one?

all the more reason i urge all men to find live, face2face, true, old fashioned support group. in a therapists office. yes it takes energy to drag that butt off the chair and drive to a weekly appointment, but in my humble view the old fashioned way worked 100% guaranteed. this fake stuff, in my view, is just twittle twee and fibble frock.

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#352070 - 01/26/11 07:34 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: westchesterguy]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1277
Loc: kansas
jeff,

in the first place, i do have a t...

second, the question was raised by another user in chat of what the topic was and if anyone wanted to share.

i shared.. no response. even from the person who raised the question to begin with.

and also a few others decided to bring up a topic and discuss it in the lounge of chat.

guys were there talking in chat....

i'll admit that perhaps not all of them were there, or in pm's or off on other sites...

but some were there talking....

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

Top
#352140 - 01/27/11 04:02 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: Obi]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Obi
jeff,
in the first place, i do have a t...


obi, "support group" which is in addition to a therapist.
8-10 men all of whom were sexually abused as boys.
captive audience. give and take sharing and healing. real time, real life, real touch, feel, see and hear.

online chat/board stuff will never replace that face2face group experience.

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#352198 - 01/28/11 12:36 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: westchesterguy]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I hear you Obi. I've lived that and am done with it as well. It is one of the reasons I have not gone into chat in a long long time. Even long before I was away (probably away for almost a year, give or take) I avoided chat.

Some are welcomed and some are just ignored. Frustrating I understand that and it's hurtful. While most likely unintentional, the voices in our heads whisper, "you don't measure up", "you're not good enough...". I get it, I really do.

I like Jeff's idea of a support group, but, like MANY, my area has nothing. Maybe it's the same for you Obi. It's rough, I know. I was lucky to find a local therapist that had a clue about CSA as it related to men.

Anyway, I just want to encourage you to not leave. Maybe change your approach. I just abandoned chat altogether, and stuck to the forums. I can't even say I went to PM's, because like chat, that's pretty much an empty area for me as well, I'd PM here and there and maybe get a reply or two, but after that... nothing.


Top
#352199 - 01/28/11 12:50 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: JustScott]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Hey All,
I am amazed at the outpouring of support I see on this thread for Obi.....not too surprised given what I have seen here in the past month....but it is overwhelming to me to see how people respond with such caring and support.
All the best
And Happy B Day Obi
steve


Top
#352205 - 01/28/11 02:20 PM Re: i'm done. [Re: RecoveryReady1]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
Todd,

I don't know if this common...but I don't engage you often because I am....intimidated. I struggle with feeling inferior to people F2F. When you've replied to my posts in the past, I've thought "he was very perceptive/objective", and well.....I'm not ususally. If I'm hurting, it takes a lot of work for me to push my anger/sadness/confusion aside to be more objective.

However....I've never seen you go BOLD, saying HELP!!!!

I can connect with that.

I see you feeling rejected and rejectable. I can relate. It's just hard for me to connect with people who don't "wear it on their sleeves" sometimes. I remember in summer, when you shared the shame and fear you felt about wanting a relationship with your abuser. I heard "HELP" in that post. I haven't followed you a lot lately, but here.......you need us. Todd has needs. I'm sure you may have been scared posting this originally (and anger/hurt can mask it), but.............this I can connect with. Confused too? I can connect with that.

Don't go. I'd like to offer something if I can. But...part of me sees you doing what you've needed to do: ask for HELP. From where I stand, that's cool. You're not rejectable. You're........just like all of us here. Thanks for speaking up.

Alfred

PS: I almost left, but.... I gotta ask: what else is on your mind? smile Later.



Edited by fhorns (01/28/11 02:30 PM)

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.