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#351051 - 01/17/11 03:34 PM Solutions for married men with SSA
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 493
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Can you guys do me a favor? If you have any solutions for dealing with SSA as married men, could you post them? Any advice from other posts, therapists, websites, or literature would be a profound help to our married brothers who are suffering.

I've tried to search our posts, but it's kinda disorganized. Could we make this THE thread for dealing with this problem?

Your help will be truly appreciated by others.

Bobcat


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#351052 - 01/17/11 03:50 PM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I found some good info on SameSexAttraction.org . Not sure if this will help. I'll keep looking around.

Andy


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#351066 - 01/17/11 05:46 PM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: nevragan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Perusing the forum threads I came across this topic. The samesexattraction.org web site offers information and resources from a Mormon/Christian perspective. The site defines "SSA" in its own terms and includes links to other organizations including Exodus International, a Christian-based conversion program.
It may be helpful to review perspectives from several sources to find the right program for your personal journey.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#351069 - 01/17/11 06:18 PM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: WriterKeith]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I didn't think to look at who was the author. The LDS would have a certain view that you may not get elsewhere. I did look around and found mostly religious sites offering info on the subject. I wonder why there isn't any info without religious affiliation on this subject? Just a thought. Will keep looking.


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#351071 - 01/17/11 06:28 PM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: nevragan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
I never heard of SSA as defined by MS before I came to this site. I am interested in reading more on the topic because it explains the "why" of my father's unusual attraction and bonding to men rather than my mom. It answers many questions about my childhood. I believe all 3 sons in our family may have SSA issues, derived from our father. A very interesting topic to study.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#351120 - 01/18/11 08:49 AM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: WriterKeith]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Check out this article by Joe Kort, Ph.D., our resident sex doc:

http://www.joekort.com/articles84.htm

You can look around his site to find other related articles, including those on his take on reparative therapies.


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#351545 - 01/22/11 12:30 AM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Bobcat,
I have found out that the imprinting will never go away. In fact it seems as strong today, 40+ years later, as it was when I was nine…It’s a memory… It’s the dragon. What has changed is my ability to “step back” from it, to counter it, to replace it with something better, to ignore it, to focus on my vision of a good life, and to know that God is my loving Father and that He has been with me from the very beginning.

However, I was left with my heterosexual desires and heterosexual life that also mingles with the raw sexual energy first experienced and imprinted by another male when I was a child. This paradox haunted me for years. However, knowing where the desires and the sexual template came from is empowering. Understanding the truth and knowing my true identity has helped me resolve this paradox.

This story, that you have heard before, also helps me with this paradox. It helps me to know what to focus on or as he puts it, “what dog to feed.”

“There’s an old Native American parable, about a young brave that is brought before the tribal elders, who are concerned about his aggressive tendencies. One of the tribal elders is assigned to teach this young man that his anger is understandable, but he needs help. So he tells the young brave all humans have within them two dogs. One dog is good and peaceable. The other dog is angry and evil. The two dogs are in a constant battle with one another, since neither is powerful enough to destroy the other. The young brave asks, ”If they are of equal power, which dog will win?” The elder replies, “The dog you feed the most.”
You feed the angry dog when you cultivate lustful feelings, view pornography, label yourself in a negative way,

You feed the peaceful dog when you seek the good. You feed the peaceful dog when you simply stop fighting the angry dog. Don’t let your challenge (your sexual abuse) define your entire identity. You can’t hate your way out of your addiction. Just walk away (step back from the dragon) from fighting the angry dog and focus on all the good things you may have put on hold—your education, career plans, social experience, and Church service. Stop focusing so much on yourself, including hating yourself, and spend more energy caring about other people. Build good associations with people.
This has helped me perhaps there is something that may benefit you.

Take care, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#351627 - 01/23/11 09:08 AM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: Tedure]
damagedgoods Offline


Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 7
Loc: California
Tedure
Well i must say your post was quite good. Regarding SSA.
It is true that it is an imprint and i think incurable.
I will continue to feed the good "dog", BUT sometimes the bad dog just wants to come out and play.
It takes all can can do to keep him inside.
Great post...
Thanks Denny. "damagedgoods"...

_________________________
Found this site thru my therapist, I was molested by my Fathers best friend at age 13 for two yrs. Trusting men is my biggest problem.

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#351628 - 01/23/11 09:10 AM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: Tedure]
royjay Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/29/06
Posts: 10
Loc: illinois
I agree with evrything on this post. I am feeding the wrong dog. I want to change but the dirve is so strong to understand. How I can be attracted to males. I have all ways had a fear of being Gay. I love my wife. I am so guilty that i have strated losing my erection before intercourse. frown which own make things were for me. I have never acted on these desires in my adult life so I just feel that I am fucked up! i hsve talk to two personals but I just can see the Gray or except the Gray. In my mind it crazy the only thing that get me off is the stroy about incest or rape which I went though. I dont understand. I dont trust man at all but I want to be used by them...... Help

_________________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission

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#351767 - 01/24/11 12:32 PM Re: Solutions for married men with SSA [Re: Tedure]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I came to this thread to say "I love the dog parable".

I also wanted to say that I'm a married guy who deals with SSA. I would invite married guys who are processing SSA and CSA to talk about what they're going through. Myself, I had and still have a lot of different body issues that speaking here has helped me with.

It's very powerful to have someone acknowledge your personal demon and go "Yeah, I've felt that way - here's what helped me past it." I've done that many times and I've never been let down - that's the beauty of MS: Someone understands. Until now, I didn't believe that anyone could.


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