I have found out that the imprinting will never go away. In fact it seems as strong today, 40+ years later, as it was when I was nine…It’s a memory… It’s the dragon. What has changed is my ability to “step back” from it, to counter it, to replace it with something better, to ignore it, to focus on my vision of a good life, and to know that God is my loving Father and that He has been with me from the very beginning.
However, I was left with my heterosexual desires and heterosexual life that also mingles with the raw sexual energy first experienced and imprinted by another male when I was a child. This paradox haunted me for years. However, knowing where the desires and the sexual template came from is empowering. Understanding the truth and knowing my true identity has helped me resolve this paradox.
This story, that you have heard before, also helps me with this paradox. It helps me to know what to focus on or as he puts it, “what dog to feed.”
“There’s an old Native American parable, about a young brave that is brought before the tribal elders, who are concerned about his aggressive tendencies. One of the tribal elders is assigned to teach this young man that his anger is understandable, but he needs help. So he tells the young brave all humans have within them two dogs. One dog is good and peaceable. The other dog is angry and evil. The two dogs are in a constant battle with one another, since neither is powerful enough to destroy the other. The young brave asks, ”If they are of equal power, which dog will win?” The elder replies, “The dog you feed the most.”
You feed the angry dog when you cultivate lustful feelings, view pornography, label yourself in a negative way,
You feed the peaceful dog when you seek the good. You feed the peaceful dog when you simply stop fighting the angry dog. Don’t let your challenge (your sexual abuse) define your entire identity. You can’t hate your way out of your addiction. Just walk away (step back from the dragon) from fighting the angry dog and focus on all the good things you may have put on hold—your education, career plans, social experience, and Church service. Stop focusing so much on yourself, including hating yourself, and spend more energy caring about other people. Build good associations with people.
This has helped me perhaps there is something that may benefit you.
Take care, Ted
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.