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#300620 - 08/26/09 05:41 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: sono]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell
my role model is Patrick Wolf, he is a British singer and I just think hes great..

He plays about 30 different instruments and I really love his music... but I also like his story cuz I dunno.. it is just so cool..

when he was 11 to 15 he was bullied badly at school.. kids called him names n beat him up every day just cuz he was different.. so he started his own fanzine at age 11.. just cuz he had no friends.. he started writing songs at age 12 ..

this is a great article:

"Everything changed for Patrick when he went to secondary school: a private all-boys affair in Wimbledon, very academic and sporty. He was horrendously bullied.

"It starts with just three people and it spreads," he says, calmly, "until it's 30 people throwing things at you, shouting, beating you up and chasing you down the street. And you think it's your fault, because of who you are. It's your identity so it's your problem. And I wasn't sure if I was gay or bisexual, I wasn't really thinking like that. Obviously I wasn't as macho as the rest of the school but I was just being myself."

He would bunk off, painting his toenails so he'd get chucked out of swimming lessons, filling his time with making music and writing his fanzine. Through the latter, in 1997, he interviewed Minty, Leigh Bowery's art-rock group: during the meeting he broke down and told them how awful his life was. Fantastically, they let him join their band. Patrick first performed at Heaven aged 14, playing theremin for Minty.

Small recompense. His school life was still terrible. When Patrick asked his supposed mentor for support, he was told, "Well, look at you, what do you expect?" "With gay or bi people, I think education still wonders if it's a nature-versus-nurture thing. If you were black, they'd know they couldn't change you, and racist bullying would never be condoned, but if someone is quite feminine or knows they might be gay at 13, they think they can change you with a bit of rugby."

The bullying eventually stopped when Patrick was 15 and his mum saw him being chased down the road. She immediately pulled him out of school, eventually going to court to get the fees back: "It was important for my parents to feel that they hadn't wasted four years paying for an education that fucked their child up."

But it had. The only private establishment that would take Patrick afterwards was the do-whatcha-like boarding school Bedales. He was given a music scholarship and his own room: the only boy ever allowed this. He was considered too damaged to share. Bedales saved him, he says. Lily Allen was there, too, along with "all the other freaks that no other school would take. It was brilliant, being thrown in with all these characters. Before then, my freak status was something that I was made to feel ashamed of. Suddenly it was celebrated, like, 'Oh my God, I love your platform shoes!'" He laughs. "Though, by that point, that wasn't the reaction I wanted any more.""


I like how he bough a piano with the money the school had to pay them.. I like how he left home at age 16 n he just became who he wanted to be.. without caring what ppl think of him..



I dunno..

I like how he went from this


to this


oh n i wonder if i can figure out how to post a video..


so yea.. thats my role model



Edited by boylikeme (09/02/09 12:02 PM)
_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#331788 - 05/23/10 04:19 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: pufferfish]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thanks Kevin,
ST:TNG has always been my favorite. I was raised by Picard and Beverly, and my brother and his on again off again romance with Deanna, and I was Barkley, the engineer, you know, Murdock from "A-Team"? Data? Data was more of an anomaly, like a pet or an experiment, than a character for me.

I never missed an episode when the show was on television, and most of the repeats. I have all seven seasons. I watched them all more than once, and in order, which, by the way, is actually very insightful.

Spock was always foreboding, and too distant for me.

I enjoy the responses to this, as I really dissociated into TV for, well, 41 years, :-).

Thanks Kevin,

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#331795 - 05/23/10 04:33 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: sono]
traillius Offline


Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 260
I know its star wars and not star trek, but Luke skywalker. He faced the dark side of the world, and humanity. He also faced his own darkness. He stood tall, and triumphed by force of will, no pun intended, rather than by physical force.


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#331848 - 05/23/10 08:24 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: traillius]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi Guys,

Yes, I, too, was another Spock.

I had made a conscious decision to eliminate all emotions so that the monster couldn't hurt me anymore.

At the time, I didn't think about a role model (I didn't know what that term meant). It was only later that I became aware that what I was doing was making me similar to Spock -- in control (or seemingly so) of his emotions.

I couldn't be hurt that way. I got so good at defending myself that I didn't even bruise when beaten.

Actually, there is a psychological term for one who is dissociated from emotions. The term is Alexithymia.

My first T, J, told me about that after I had been working with him for a while and after a specific discussion we had.

I still remember him bobbing my ears, as I am fond of saying.

I also didn't use the word "I." When speaking I would always say "One." J would constantly, gently, say "I" everytime I would say "one."

I would also say "One thinks" and J would say "I Feel."

I still refer to the word "Feel" as the "F" word.

As you can see, I use the word "I" very frequently now.

While I know it is healthier to have the emotions, I would be lying if I said I don't miss the points on my ears.

I have only met one other person, until today, who has ever said he, too, employed the Vulcan routine.



Anomalous


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#331894 - 05/24/10 05:32 AM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: Anomalous]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Sam, Traillius and Anomalous,

How cool and, uh logical wink to have my first Thread on MS resurrected at this point in time. When I started this thread on August 2nd of last year, 2009, I had not begun therapy; I had just found MS less than two months prior; I had only been a member a couple of weeks; I could barely imagine posting anything let alone details of my abuse; I couldn't even say my perp's name out loud; I was completely unsure of what my abuse was...a gay relationship with an older man as he always said, or sexual abuse as I dared not hope; unconnected to my wife and my life; afraid of letting anything out for fear of what would happen; I couldn't imagine telling a soul in real life other than a T; indeed "Spock-like" in so many ways in that anything or any emotions anyone saw were logically considered and dished out in carefully measured portions.

Today, I've been in therapy for 8 months luckily with one of the best in the biz; I've posted over 800 times including extremely intimate details of my abuse and my reactions to is over the past 30 years; I freely use my perp's name - Mark - when discussing my abuse or him; I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a sexual abuser of at least one child - me and that there is no circumstance in which sex between a 30 year old and a 13 year old is not sexual abuse; I know what he did to me, what he said to me and my reactions to it did not mean I was gay; I have gone to the church in my hometown where he holds the disturbing title of Minister of Music and confronted him on the altar of that church immediately after he finished playing the Easter Sunday service with the truth of his life - that he is a sexual child molester while my wife took pictures of the event; my wife and I have never been more connected on every possible level and I'm truly enjoying my life; I let it all out and what happened/is happening was/is fantastic; I've disclosed now to about a dozen close friends and the effect has been freeing and cleansing beyond my wildest imagination - those disclosures have turned out to be significant parts of my recovery as opposed to something to do with it's all done; I of course still do some self monitoring in terms of what emotions come out, I mean no one wants to have an emotional breakdown in the middle of the workplace or grocery store, but generally speaking if I feel it, I show it, I acknowledge it and don't deny it; the walls between me and my feelings are down.

I'm not done with recovery, but the man who started this thread is changed almost beyond recognition in the ways that count...fascinating.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity and impetus to do this status report wink

Kevin

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the family
the perp

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#343307 - 10/27/10 05:19 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: sono]
oldguy Offline


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
Sono, congratulations on your recovery and on your courage in confronting your perpetrator.

My hero was Sherlock Holmes, a very logical and observant person. Yes, he used opium but then everyone, including heroes, have flaws. I always prided myself on my logical mind and my supopression of emotions. But after many years of 12-step programs and therapy I realized that what I thought was pure logic was logic contaminated with emotions. That way I could come up with the answer I wanted. Not a good idea. These days I can use logic and express emotions without screwing up both. This was a very useful set of posts. Oldguy


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#351503 - 01/21/11 02:56 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: sono]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
WOW - I'm so glad I read through this ENTIRE thread.

I had forgotten that I had chosen Spock as a role model as a child. It was the late 70's when the local cable channel had it on on a daily basis after school. Same with The Next Generation 15 years later.

Sono, I wanted to comment on your earlier posts on this thread, versus your last post - you are right, it shows that you have significant recovery, and it shows in how honest you are about what happened to you. It is clear as day. Thank you SO much for starting this thread, and for your more recent post.

I have an anomaly here, which might describe my particular life course (?). One of my heroes when I was a child was THE INCREDIBLE HULK (the tv series).

I even remember staging a fort (a fake house) in the front yard and asking my family to watch this play I put on (my grandparents and genetic dad were visiting). And I proceeded to demolish the house in front of them as the incredible hulk. I was probably 7-9 years old, I don't remember my age specifically. But I clearly remember that acting out.

I've obviously always been in contact with my anger and perhaps my rage, and maybe I'm luckier for it. I never lost complete connection to my inner child, I stay connected to him through my anger and rage and frustration.

Hmm. I wonder about this now. Did I choose to remain in touch with my anger as I cut everything else off (became logical)? Or was I unable to shut off my anger, and thus I carried it with me? Some people are born with different temperaments.

Ah. Memory. My first memory of my mom is her having a screaming fit in front of me, yelling at me. I must have been about 2 years old. I'd apparently done something bad, and she just had a meltdown of rage in front of me. That's my first memory of my mom.

Huh. I've never thought of this before. What *IS* my true nature regarding anger and rage? How much of it is my mothers, and how much of it is MINE?

Whoa.

Anyways - thanks again for this thread. It's been very fascinating.

D





Edited by tdillon (01/21/11 02:58 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#351507 - 01/21/11 04:28 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: sono]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
Persona, doppelganger, twin, split personality (whatever it is you wanna call it) I'm dealing with the exact same situation right now and having a hell of a hard time being the person that I know that I really am. Even harder when people are used to you being a certain way and then all of a sudden "flipping" on them.

A perfect example, in my case, is the creation of two separate Facebook pages (one as Remy and the other as Stephen). Remy was the survivor while Stephen was the person everyone needed him to be (or is it the other way around?). Anyway, there's this big ass schism that I have to deal with now and bringing the two together is quite a task. Right now, it's like mixing cesium and sulphur (which can create some violent explosions) and it's been a pretty rough road.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to bring the two together. Even though Remy isn't fighting the change, I think Stephen is though. Possibly so shame on that end. Whole nother story though.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#351508 - 01/21/11 04:31 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: Magellan]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
DEXTER! A fictional character in a show by the same name on Showtime about a serial killer. And before you try to figure out in which locale my local authorities might be located - the show does have some redeeming value - the main character struggles with demons from his childhood and has resolved to live by a moral code, all the while feeling like an outcast, struggling with a void of feelings and a brutal childhood experience. It's nice to see an awkward, intelligent, morally driven man and yet capable, conscientious and contemplative man cast in a show.

Okay maybe he's not my hero but I like the character.

Honestly, I'm not sure I have a hero.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#351517 - 01/21/11 06:09 PM Re: Spock as role model?? got your own? [Re: Survivinguy]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Man, this is always so cool when someone comes back into this first thread of mine, and gives me a reason to think about it, and like my last post in this thread review from where I"ve come and accomplished and so forth. uh...LOTS.

There are some ways in which I can legitimately say that ability to divorce myself from the emotions, but yet not stop thinking because I've just gone to la la land, has allowed me to get through life. That was a damn useful role model!

Hey and tidillon, if you see this, I had posted to a thread of yours, and incorrectly called you by another poster's name...Jim...so, if you read that, uh that was to you not Jim...LOL

K

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