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#347526 - 12/08/10 05:00 PM Re: When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: Avery46]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
...
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Female.

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#347527 - 12/08/10 05:08 PM Re: When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: Disappointed]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
The written word conveys so little.


The written word conveys a LOT. I have written here and my brothers hear me and I hear them. I have healed a LOT from my words here and the written words convey a LOT.

I have learned a LOT here. I will NOT be telling my story for awhile. She will be a special person that I trust before telling anything.

Disappointed,

I wish you well too.



Edited by Avery46 (12/08/10 05:10 PM)
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aka DJsport

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#348582 - 12/20/10 09:47 AM Re: When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: Avery46]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 336
OP - I originally felt like my marriage was all a lie. It was very painful and I felt he should have given me some warning ahead of time.
Now though - I understand more. I can empathize more and it is less important that he didn't tell me then....and more important that he was able to come out with it at all.


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#350743 - 01/14/11 02:41 PM Re: When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: Castle]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
I will say that not all wives and supporters feel the same way Disappointed feels. I'm a little late to this post but I would like to say that being chosen to be the one who a CSA discloses their experience to is similar to being a therapist. You may not be an official therapist but for whatever reason, they trusted you enough in that moment to disclose something so painful. I don't take that role lightly. I think it's immature to feel that just because the personal who disclosed the subject acted lightly about it, that you should too. If my friend disclosed that she was raped, I would never feel that it was ok to share that. Even if she disclosed it in a joke, with cartoons, or standing upside down. Non-survivors have no idea what courge it takes to disclose this kind of thing. I know my husband uses humor so that he doesn't end up throwing because it's so painful.
Disappointed, regardless of what your views are, this is not the place to take a stand. If we offend people by mistake, just apologize for it.


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#350750 - 01/14/11 03:43 PM Re: When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: iwanttocry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I have made the mistake of disclosing information that was not mine to disclose. Then I realized what a horrible mistake I'd made and I confessed and apologized for it. I most certainly do NOT pretend it was okay. It's not okay to tell something that I didn't have permission to tell, and that is something I need to work on in the future. If you did something wrong, just admit it. In this case, I agree with others that it is not okay to disclose this type of information without permission. I'd trade an awful lot to have back those words I shared, even though I was forgiven.


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#350755 - 01/14/11 04:09 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I haven't read all the six pages, but to answer OP, indeed I feel like I got a 'lemon' when we married.
For me this is still all new and it's tough to realise that my partner is a survivor and I wish I had known that before. On the other hand I tend to think, that maybe it's better I found it out now cause had I known before we probably wouldn't be married today.
Most likely I wouldn't be able to quickly caugh up a long list of why I love my partner and why I think it's worthwhile fighting for this relationship.
I'm married to an awesome person and this 'lemon' feeling is something I see as a passing stage in the process of understanding an accepting what has happened to my partner when he was a kid.


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#350756 - 01/14/11 04:14 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Shawushka]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Please don't use "name calling" on this site. I feel like calling someone a "lemon" is just that. We don't need to label. Expressing feelings is one thing, but labeling is a very bad practice and one that I am trying to not do anymore myself. I caused a lot of damage through name-calling in the past. My feelings might have been justified, but the name-calling was not. These men aren't "lemons." That makes us non-survivors sound like we are so great. Yeah, right.


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#350757 - 01/14/11 04:38 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: hopeandtry]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Totally agree with you, while reading and wrting I was actually thinking of a better term for that lemon thingie.
I guess it's like feeling betrayed, as if you didn't get to read the fine prints of a contract. But again, these kind of feelings seem to me a natural part of a process.
At first I was very angry even and had to take some time for myself, but the more I inform myself about csa and the impact it has, the more my anger and frustration vanish.
And to be honest, I don't even want my partner to get into therapy to save our relationship. I want him to get therapy so he can be a happy, healthy human being, enjoy life, enjoy sexuality, enjoy intimacy,etc. etc.

For me this is also difficult to deal with and I deeply regret that I talked to one friend who reacted very negative, but thank God I didn't share any details. I stopped talking the second she responded negative.
I have an auntie, who absolutely rocks and I have talked to her and her reaction was awesome. That was enough for me, to just have one person I can talk to. She's older, has seen much of life and doesn't judge people.
Other than that I have decided to not to talk to anyone about my partner's csa. Heck, he starts sweating and trembling when he talks to me about it, that's enough of a sign that I shouldn't go and advertise it amongst my/our friends.


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#350777 - 01/14/11 07:27 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Shawushka]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Yes I agree it's very hard to deal with...I don't mean just how it affects us and the relationship, but knowing the suffering the survivors go through. It is hard to know how to learn to deal with it, though this support group has been the most help to me. I have an individual T, which helps, but I don't think I've found the right one for me yet. I know I should have never disclosed, but I am at least aware I did wrong and "repented" and am trying to be better in the future. None of us are perfect. That being said, I cannot act like what I did was okay, and it disturbs me that some people think it's okay to go spreading that stuff around to a lot of people. Mistakes can be forgiven no matter what they are (and that goes for things survivors may do to hurt us, too), but if you pretend the mistake is not a mistake, then that is different. That's just...selfish and not loving. All I can do now that I have apologized is to strive to be better about it in the future.


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#351113 - 01/18/11 06:53 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
mazda Offline


Registered: 01/16/11
Posts: 2
New data suggest a offline too.....

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