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#350804 - 01/15/11 12:10 AM New to the site but same story
DeGiToKa Offline


Registered: 01/14/11
Posts: 3
I have read some posts from others and see I am not alone. Let me say that I feel better that I can talk to others who share the same. My story.
I was molested at the age of 8 by two older boys. I did not know any better at this age. I am now 41, divorced with two children. I didnt realize that traumatic amnesia was real and I suffered from it. I noticed that when I was married after my first child was born I suffered from depression. My wife at the time had watch me change into a different person. We stuck it out and had another child and soon after that I had then went for help and in five questions the doctor knew I had been molested. A few days after seeking treatment I was served with divorce papers. My focus was on the depression of not seeing my kids and losing everything I worked towards, the molestation had to wait.
After 4 years of divorce and my kids relocating, I met a wonderful woman of whom I care deeply for. My feelings have always been there but I have had a hard time expressing them to her or my kids. I feel them, I want to but am held back. This is affecting me in every way, my feelings, my emotions, my reasoning, my parenting skills, and my sex life. I a cold person. I feel everything inside but its hidden, I find myself watching a sad movie and wiping away the tears quickly before anyone notices. I am tired of feeling this way and it taking over my life and making become someone I am not and dont want to be. I do not want to lose my current partner and want to be a better parent. My partner has left me for reasons I have stated above and my children who have become unbearable due to my parenting skills.
Since this has happened, within a week, I have let go of things, and have openly told people what has happened to me when I was 8. I am tired of the person I have become. I have changed my parenting skills and have become more open and communicative. I now feel overwhelmed with emotion and affection but she is not here to share it with. I will continue to stay on this path and continue to share my story with people as a victim and survivor and not hide myself in shame. I cant be the only one who has felt this way.


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#350810 - 01/15/11 12:38 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: DeGiToKa]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 361
Loc: American South
__________


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#350822 - 01/15/11 08:00 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: tommyb]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MS, DeGiToKa.

You are brave for letting go and opening up: thank you for sharing and posting - your successes and your failures.

I am 45, the traumatic amnesia (repressed memories) came out 2 years ago after the death of my brother, it was his friends who abused me when they were 15 and I was 9-in my brother's room. It was horrible.

Depression, addiction, feeling lost and lonely and dark in my deepest inside places were part of my decades of coping. I was shut down to so much. It also affected my parenting.

I have admiration and hope for you, DeGiToKa!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#350825 - 01/15/11 08:20 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: DeGiToKa]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
DeGiToKa,

Welcome to MS. Yes, you are not alone. Hope you find the peace and love we all deserve.

I left my family/married 21 years ago and have NO contact with my kids. I have hope. A hope I did NOT have before.

I understand where your coming from.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#350845 - 01/15/11 11:24 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: Avery46]
Awake at Last Offline


Registered: 12/12/10
Posts: 77
Loc: Chicago Land
DeGitToka,
Welcome! There are quite a few of us who have suffered from post traumatic amnesia. I am one of them. My mind had a hole in it for forty years, with no memory of CSA.

I am sorry about your relationships, but with your memories coming back and with you dealing with it you can move forward.

When things get tough you can find support here.

Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts.
Jim


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#350846 - 01/15/11 11:44 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: Awake at Last]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
DeGitToka- Thanks for that....I hear ya....validating and not hiding the pain of that 8yr. old...
It takes what it takes to get there....many die trying.
Sounds like you're on your way....I really appreciate you sharing that...very inspiring.
All the best
RR


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#350854 - 01/15/11 12:45 PM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: RecoveryReady1]
1227ms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
DeGitToka,
Welcome to MS. I'm sure it took a lot of courage for you to take this step. Sorry you needed to but glad you did. Ms is a great place to share as you need to, get support when you need it, give support when you can and converse with guys who understand a lot of what you feel.

Matt

_________________________
“Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.”
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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#350970 - 01/16/11 06:07 PM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: 1227ms]
Emmitt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 19
DeGitToka-

This is such a good place to be. For years I didn't understand my behavior. Some of my actions never made sense. Some I just wouldn't allow myself to think about.

It has been since I got here, just a few days before you, that I am learning how significant CSA has been in my life. We have a long way to travel, but every journey starts with a single step. Congratulations on taking your first step.

J


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#351006 - 01/17/11 07:56 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: Emmitt]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
What a miracle!
DeGitToka welcome on board brother, sorry you had to come looking but glad you found MS
Part of this miracle is seeing men like Emmitt-J with
"...just a few days before you" sharing and supporting another brother
That doesn't happen in the doc's waiting room.
I sure hope you can create some solutions and get answers here

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#351105 - 01/18/11 03:53 AM Re: New to the site but same story [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1962
Breaking the silence and talking about it is the first step. It can get better.

Eric


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