Waiting

Silence settling
Drenching, Seeping, corroding
Trust – love – openness


The days following the rape I chose to be alone, curling up inside myself. I had just felt and had succumbed to a terror that prior to the rape was unknown to me. It didn’t take long for a looming shadow - fear of discovery - to cast itself over me. I stayed within its borders, my self-esteem chilled by the cold shade of their sexual assault.

In a bold act to break free from a lifetime of woven secrets, attempts to hide my shame, I began to divulge, bringing light to the issues in an attempt to disperse the shadow I’d grown comfortable under. My wife was wonderful and has supported me and given me strength to then step out of this self-imposed darkness. I was woefully unprepared for the cruelty of silence received from trusted friends that I knew and still know love and care about me. I pulled back from sharing for many years giving back to the rapists my voice- I believe their prize possession.


I eventually, with the help of many here on MaleSurvivor, started to open up again taking the risk of rejection. It has been wonderful and freeing to not stay under the net of secrecy. But it still carries with it painful liabilities. Just earlier this week I had a writer I met online who has over the past few months followed my poetry on a blog. I haven’t posted any of my poems directly relating to the rape on this blog but many of my poems have undertones tucked within the lines and verse. She’s intuitive and picked up on this theme and asked what were the hidden meanings so carefully disguised? I thought long and hard before telling her but eventually came to the conclusion that to say “there is no hidden meaning” was to discredit all that I wanted to express and perpetuate the lie therefore continuing shouldering the shame that did not belong to me. So I told her. That was nearly a week ago.

Silence my reward.

I know this stuff is tuff and to ask anyone to stay engaged and not run for cover is, honestly, asking for a lot. So I’ve grown and didn’t whether and run for the familiar shadow of shame as I might have a year ago before coming here and meeting all of you.

But damn the density of silence still hurts!

My brother ...i feel the pain you feel...see it in your words...just know this: YOU ARE LOVED

Forrest

Earl,

I am so glad that you found support in your relationship with your wife and that she chose to walk the tough road with you. No doubt her support meant the world to you. To you a gift but to her just natural result of her love for you.

You have come a long way in the past year to be able to bear the silence. I wish I could say I find it strange one could ask a question and then not give any response back. I am not saying it is right - and it is not right at all. But it seems typical of many when they knock on a door and then find it open to the unexpected. But she had to know your writing's "undertones" had nothing to do with birds and butterflies.

I am very proud for the ground you have covered in dealing with the silence. I am sorry for the hurt it has caused you. Since my assault I only disclosed to a few people - I am not including therapists. None are in my life now so not sure what that says about it or me.

We have to remember that people are not used to grown men saying they were raped. For me it is easier to intellectualize it rather than leave it on the emotional level. It is a lot safer for me in many ways.

You did good whatever the reaction is from the gal. Even if that reaction is silence.


Daryl

Hey Earl,

I have nothing new to add to the group's thoughts other than I remind you that "no answer" isn't always "no answer"...aside from what there is about this situation specifically, I think it's important to examine how you react in "these" situations. I am so NOT saying that not responding immediately is OK, but fine that's her deal...I'm more concerned about where you go automatically in such scenarios when you feel people are turning their back on you.

Kevin

Silence, although not necessarily a harbinger of rejection, can be a terrible pause in a relationship.

Non abused people do not speak our language, my gentle brother. They cannot relate to the violence and trauma anymore than they understand a war veteran regaling bullets and explosions, a disabling wound or seeing a friend die in battle.

So there is a pause as your acquaintance may be considering your words. Similar to being confronted with a huge movie or music star*(I mean, why not be compared to a huge success, right?), the overwhelming and immediate confrontation of disclosure of abuse may send well meaning people into a flight.

You are absolutely correct to give her the information when asked, do not "give the abusers your voice". Right on, Eebs.

Come and sit with us, share and support your brothers. Then, you may be better comforted to be outstanding in the world that allows abuse and stigma to warp their perceptions... oh wait.., you ARE already outstanding.

Sam

Thanks to each of you your support is important.

Hi earlybird-

I feel for you: you took a risk and didn't get rewarded. It hurts to open up and hope for affirmation and not get it.

Well, I accept you totally and know lots about you, man.

You ARE loveable, and deserve to find others to share that love.

EB,

I am so glad to know you. I am honored each time you share your story and of yourself.

Safe Hugs,
Donnie

Earl,

I haven't logged on for a couple of days and am belatedly responding to this post. It's terrible to be invited to share something so intimate, so painful, to bravely answer that invitation, and then to be ignored. I know the hurt and pain the silence brings you. It must tempt you to believe that the dark, shameful voices were right all along.

They weren't and aren't. Hear the voices of your brothers who love you and hear and honor and treasure everything you've said to us. We're with you. Thanks for giving us a chance to break the silence with our voices.

Love to you my brother.

To each of you thanks for your support. I did get an email last night from this person. It was short but kind. I think she is still processing.

Trying to figure one’s way through the maze of disclosure of SA can be and for me is frustrating and confusing. If I don’t hear back from whom ever I’ve opened up to I find myself jumping to conclusions not giving the person proper time to process issue. I have to learn how to give them time to go through denials, work the images out in their own minds. I know I wanted to deny what I knew had happened. I was unable to believe the rape to be true. So why could I ever expect others to do what I did not want to do except what had happen and not hide from it and pretend it just didn’t happen.

Earl,

I'm so happy to see you heard back from her and are in a position to
look at the situation differently now and see how "no response" triggered you. Work against those triggers pal!!!!!

Kevin

Earl!

In looking at disclosure and reactions, survivors need a bit of space to be aware of their reaction as well, as you are doing.

We need to be patient with others, why? Primarily, we need to grow into relationships that we are secure in. Balanced and equal interchange encourages growth and connectivity.
Secondly, we need them to spread the word of sexual abuse, and meeting different survivors in different stages of recovery.

So, locally and globally, you have served both your recovery, and survivors at large, thank you, for supporting your brothers in sexual abuse recovery, Earl.

Sam