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#350532 - 01/12/11 06:43 PM Re: New on MS - Reaching out to partners of Survivors [Re: DesertRose]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
It's so unbelievable how much of my own story I can recognize in this one. And all the time I thought the problem was unique to my partner but I see pattern over pattern.
I've recently gone on a holiday by myself and I'll also do more activities by myself and will visit the few friends I have to get away every now and then.
Personally, I need a break and the time away to recharge my batteries so I can be there for my partner. We are only at the very beginning of the healing process, and every few weeks I think this is it, I'll have to pack my bags and go back home.
But I only found out, after the 3 month period and we had gotten married so that at least I could stay here legally. And as I also have given up everything, on top of having to deal with a partner who denies his csa there is the feeling of being trapped.
I mean, it was hard enough already but now it's more of a nightmare and that's not what I said 'yes' to when we got married.


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#350729 - 01/14/11 01:27 PM Re: New on MS - Reaching out to partners of Survivors [Re: lostcowboy]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
InsidetheWall has some excellent points in his last response. Being a wife of a survivor for 12 years now, I can tell you it is really, really tough. The only way I've been able to stay and support him is because throughout the last 12 years, he has been willing to grow himself a little bit at a time. Before we got married, he did tell me about his CSA and other abusives. It broke my heart but looking back, I don't think I fully understood how deep it affects a survivor. I definitely would have seeked support and help for myself sooner if I had to do it again. I interpreted so many things incorrectly throughout the years and it has affected our marriage. ITW is correct that he has to accept your bounderies as a girlfriend. Sometimes as the "passenger", we feel guilty if we push our feelings infront of the survivors. But from experience, you both need to survivor in your relationship, you can not sacrifice all of you for him. He does need to stand on his own in some ways and realize he needs to seek therapy. I don't feel that a marriage can work if the survivor stays in denial the whole time. Remember, you don't have to be strong enough right not, you just have to find the right support to help you get stronger.


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