about a week ago i got a kitten from the animal shelter -
i had a cat as child -
but having a pet as and adult is a much different relationship
being more aware of the full responsibility
and nature of relationships -

it has been a struggle because i have wanted to bond with the cat
and also teach it or train it as much as a cat can be trained to live in the house
with knowledge of the boundaries that are his around the place -

it's really shown me a side to myself that at is something i have needed to
understand better -

i have a neighbor who is a super guy - he volunteers at animal shelters -
so he has a good knowledge base of animal nature and care -

i call him a lot to ask for advice -

i was talking to him yesterday about my concerns -
and we talked -
and i said 'this is like dealing with a permanent child with a learning disability'
and he said 'that's exactly it ' -
in essence - he said - you have to repeat things a couple dozen times gently - and firmly - until they get it -

and i see now in the kitten the impulse to explore and do is much greater:)
than to do what is not so fun - the kitten is a kitten
and also this is the way it learns -
and my neighbor talked about needing to show the cat stuff with consistency -
that is hard - but it really helped me to hear that -
anytime i leave anything out - the kitten gets into it - a glass of juice -
unloading the dryer - in the kitten goes -
typing on the computer - he has to put his paw down and add 5 "0's" or whatever he hits
between me and the telephone receiver too -

this has been a real challenge
sometimes it's really cute -
but when i have been fatigued lately
i have lost my temper with the kitten which is not OK at all -

so the analogy is helping me with my patience - which is there most of the day -
it's just that when i get tired - i loose it quite easily -
and i don't want to have that kind of temper in my home -

yesterday was not such a good day - but i think maybe today will be better -

anyway - i hope all is well -

Markgb

Animals have been a huge help to me. We have horses, a mare and a stallion. There's something very relaxing and comforting about going out after a day of pleasing everybody in sight (I work with the public at my job) and brushing my horse. He comes running up to the fence to greet me, and when I'm working in the yard he follows me around. Kind of like a big dog without all the barking, grass-killer, and slobber.

My stallion also made me feel more normal. I know it's a SA thing, but I go through these stages where my perps were male, I'm a male, so I'm as disgusting as they were. Well, here's this male horse with all the physical malfunctions, inappropriate erections, and he's definitely got the hots for our other horse. (The big difference is she kicks him in the teeth.) And you know what? He's just a horse. A sweet horse with a really nice, though sometimes annoying, personality. There's nothing gross or wrong or disgusting about it. As crazy as it sounds, it makes me feel more like I belong on this earth. Like he's a mammal, and I'm a mammal, and just because I have this equipment in common with my SA perps, it doesn't change the fact that I'm OK.

Now that's probably the weirdest thing I've ever written, but it's true. Not only do my animals like me, but they make me feel natural, like I'm one of them in some big cosmic sort of way, and it's OK to be one of them.

The bad part is we had a weed in our yard that turned out to be poisonous to horses, so my stallion friend died. I felt like I wasn't allowed to have a connection to ANYTHING without having it ripped away from me. Like my heart starts to feel anything, and we have to kill that off. I was the one who had to make the decision. He was going to die a slow and painful death. sigh. I still can't think about that without tearing up. But the mare is pregnant. If we can get the weeds killed off (anyone got any napalm?) maybe we can bring her home. And maybe she'll have a little boy that I can befriend.