Animals have been a huge help to me. We have horses, a mare and a stallion. There's something very relaxing and comforting about going out after a day of pleasing everybody in sight (I work with the public at my job) and brushing my horse. He comes running up to the fence to greet me, and when I'm working in the yard he follows me around. Kind of like a big dog without all the barking, grass-killer, and slobber.
My stallion also made me feel more normal. I know it's a SA thing, but I go through these stages where my perps were male, I'm a male, so I'm as disgusting as they were. Well, here's this male horse with all the physical malfunctions, inappropriate erections, and he's definitely got the hots for our other horse. (The big difference is she kicks him in the teeth.) And you know what? He's just a horse. A sweet horse with a really nice, though sometimes annoying, personality. There's nothing gross or wrong or disgusting about it. As crazy as it sounds, it makes me feel more like I belong on this earth. Like he's a mammal, and I'm a mammal, and just because I have this equipment in common with my SA perps, it doesn't change the fact that I'm OK.
Now that's probably the weirdest thing I've ever written, but it's true. Not only do my animals like me, but they make me feel natural, like I'm one of them in some big cosmic sort of way, and it's OK to be one of them.
The bad part is we had a weed in our yard that turned out to be poisonous to horses, so my stallion friend died. I felt like I wasn't allowed to have a connection to ANYTHING without having it ripped away from me. Like my heart starts to feel anything, and we have to kill that off. I was the one who had to make the decision. He was going to die a slow and painful death. sigh. I still can't think about that without tearing up. But the mare is pregnant. If we can get the weeds killed off (anyone got any napalm?) maybe we can bring her home. And maybe she'll have a little boy that I can befriend.
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17