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#35054 - 06/16/02 03:29 PM "New" memory
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Yesterday I remebered an event from my early childhood, I was 5, but a new twist was added.

My next door neighbor and I werre buddies. We played to gether all the time. We were both the same age and lived right next door to each other, ouur houses were only about 5 feet apart.

Jeje lived in a two story duplex with a basement. The house had wooden backporches for both the upper and lower apartment. The upper apartment had access to their half of the basement through a staircase open to the back yard, sort of under the backporches.

Jeje and I were playing under the porches, as we had many times. My long time memory of this day was that 5 year old Jeje had just cleaned the open staircase and told me to be careful not to get anydirt down there. I threw some dirt in and he pushed me down the staircase were I fractured my skull.

Yesterday, I realized that was a sanitized version of the event. Five year old Jeje didn't clean his upstairs neighbor's staircase and could care less if any dirt got in it. We lived in Gary In, less than five miles from steel mills. Dirt got everywhere. What Jeje didn't like was when I tried to kiss him. That's when he pushed me down the staircase.

I HATE having booytraps lying in wait out there for me. I spent yesterday crying over the loss of my innocence again. I was 5. No 5 year old should act out, I thought I didn't act out, wrong again. There is some relief in knowing. I hate thinking there is horrible stuff out there and it helops to know it and deal with it, but how long does new horrible keep coming. I am amazed that I have been able to function as well as I have in life, but it is exhausting to keep up the "Everything's great" front I feel I need to have. I refuse to go to Everything sucks, but can't seem to find that middle ground.

Thanks for letting me get this out. It is great knowing that you all are there to support me.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#35055 - 06/16/02 09:10 PM Re: "New" memory
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I'm with you Ken. Memories...

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#35056 - 06/17/02 03:16 PM .
Anonymous
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#35057 - 06/17/02 03:21 PM Re: "New" memory
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
congratulations, and I mean it, Ken. The hardest thing seems to be to strip away the venner and get to what really happened. I think it is a sign of growth that the truth emerges.

What a strange narcotic my brain creates to cover the tracks. I can see the events, I can feel their pull and I am powerless to change the way they affect me.

I get the feeling there is something I am not quite piecing together...yuck.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#35058 - 06/17/02 03:57 PM Re: "New" memory
still 12 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167



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#35059 - 06/17/02 10:24 PM Re: "New" memory
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Ken,

What I've found about my memories is that I've gained a new clarity and a new perspective from my healing process. I can look at those same memories from an adult viewpoint now and I can see how I was manipulated, seduced and used. It gave me new insights and strengthened my confidence. I can say "It wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything to cause it to happen, I'm not defective" and believe it.

It's taken awhile, it's not been a comfortable journey, but it's certainly been worth it.

Take care, be gentle, give yourselves a break, we've all been through a hell of a lot.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#35060 - 06/19/02 08:37 PM Re: "New" memory
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Guys

Thanks for your support and kind words. It is some what aof a relief to know, as much as I can know anything about my past. I appreciate all you have had to say.

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#35061 - 06/20/02 12:40 PM Re: "New" memory
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
I can look at those same memories from an adult viewpoint now and I can see how I was manipulated, seduced and used.
Steve
That's so true, we have to look back at what happened with a very cold, detached view. Take it all apart, step by step, remember the words they said to us, the bribes and the coaxing.
It's hard and very painful I know, but it's the only way for us to recognise their lies and their abuse of power.
I do it by writing, I sit at the keyboard and detail every move they made that I can remember, EVERY DETAIL - no matter how graphic or painful, then I read it later, and add more if I can remember it.
Eventually it's like reading someone elses story because I can see right through their lies.
It's a bit like standing back and looking in from someone elses viewpoint, but it's not really. It's still my view, the only thing that's changed is my attitude to what I'm seeing on the screen. I write the first version as a "willing victim", the later versions as a SURVIVOR.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#35062 - 06/26/02 09:46 PM Re: "New" memory
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Thanks for your replies, they really do help. I went to my therapist Monday and them have been in a whirlwind of business since. But we really were able to work on some issues from the starting point of this new memory.

For the first time, I was able to recall my abuse as happening to me, not as something I saw happening. As hard as that was, it was such a relief to feel. I was able be angry about my abuse and not just know that it would be OK to be angry.

Since the session, I have started having some body memories, but there is no terror to them. It is just something else that I will survive and get through. I am getting in touch with my vuneralbility at the time of my abuse and my strength now. I had that backwards for so long.

I know there is still much more work to do, but I looking forward to the journey.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#35063 - 06/27/02 03:09 AM Re: "New" memory
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Ken
Wow, that was a powerful statement when you said, "I was finally able to get angry about my abuse and not just know that it was okay to be angry."
I long for the day when I can get angry, get happy, get sad, get anything other than numb! I have been on a flat line of emotion for so long I don't even recognize emotions anymore. I guess that is just one more thing the abuser stole from me as a child.
Ron


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