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#35048 - 09/03/05 10:09 AM Wondering??
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I've been noticing something about myself recently. When I see a boy or young man anywhere between the ages of 5 and 20 (there are a lot of them out there I've noticed \:\) )I have this urge to try and protect them. To make sure they are alright. That nothing bad is happening in their lives. If they look sad I worry (briefly)about what they might be sad about, etc. I don't spend all my time obsessing about it or anything. I do live a fairly normal life.

It seems weird and at times and I am concerned about what it means. It's not like I'm a stalker or anything and I have never, nor would I ever want to do anything remotly harmful to any of them.

What I've been thinking over the last week or so is that It has been my subconsious mind wanting to go back and protect and warn that little boy and teenager that I was.

Does that make any sense?

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#35049 - 09/03/05 05:48 PM Re: Wondering??
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Yes, it makes a lot of sense to me.

Such thoughts are the sign that you have a kind and gentle heart.

I can be brought to tears by the sight of a poor woman in distress surrounded by children. I believe this is for my mother who I loved very much.

My experience is to value such thoughts as signs of compassion.

To exercise caution in how these thoughts are carried into action is the challenge for me. It is important that I take care of myself first, and that I do not act out on my thoughts in such a way that harms me or others.

At one time perhaps it was my subconcious mind at work. But now that I have begun to recover from the effects of sexual abuse, such thoughts have become a part of my concious mind and make up a very wonderful part of who I am.

Being encouraged to examine and embrace that part of myself has been a wonderful thing for me.

I would hope to encourage the same for you.

Thanks for the thoughtful topic.

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#35050 - 09/03/05 10:59 PM Re: Wondering??
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Thank-you Danny for your kind reply.

I think that self doubt has been part of my problem here. It seems that because I'm basically emotional by nature rather than cognitive I have difficulty working through a problem using rational thought. So I end up doubting my motives and questioning my ability to maintain equalibriam in some situations.

I think I fear that I will become like my abuser even though I abhor the the very idea. I know that in reality I would never do that but still, in my dark moments the fear raises it's ugly head and tells me I'm something I'm not.

You're right. People that know me tell me that I do have a "kind and gentle heart". It was pretty well hidden behind all the rage for years but since I have been in recovery I am learning how much better it is to allow the gentleness to be in charge.

I would like to find a constructive way of getting "these thoughts...carried into action" in a way that is healthy for me.

I suppose I also need to be able to move past the idea that I could become like my abuser and perpetuate the abuse. I suspect that battle needs to come first in the process.

Thanks for the input. It really is appreciated

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#35051 - 09/04/05 05:34 AM Re: Wondering??
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I agree, you do have a kind heart, and I think a protection instinct is natural to those who have been abused. And perhaps it is in a way an attempt to go back and save ourself from the abuse we suffered. Like, if we can protect someone else, or prevent it with someone else, somehow we will feel better ourself.

Just make sure you are taking care of yourself, and protect yourself as well. Because if you are here, you will probably form relationships, and if you are at all like me (or most of us here I sense), you will feel protectiveness of those persons. That is admirable, but remember, we are all here to rebuild ourselves. That includes our esteem, our personal strength and boundaries. So rediscover yourself, as that is a wonder you deserve, and allow your friends to also.

I wish you good luck and positive experiences here.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#35052 - 09/04/05 05:52 AM Re: Wondering??
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Quote:
Originally posted by Leosha:
So rediscover yourself, as that is a wonder you deserve, and allow your friends to also.
Thank-you Leosha. \:\) \:D

What a beautiful thought. I never considered it that way before. That it is a "wonder" I deserve.

I am going to think about this a while.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#35053 - 09/04/05 05:54 AM Re: Wondering??
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
John,

within each of us is both wonder, and something wonderful. Both the innocent child who still is part of us, and the brave and strong man we have become. Something to wonder at, yes?

Happy thinking on it! ;\)

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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