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#350458 - 01/12/11 09:33 AM fearful of my day
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
I'm at work, trying to HIDE, wanting to hide, wishing, wishing, wishing I could be like i feel today--6, 10, 12? Not sure, but having to come to an office with smiley people freezes me. I sat in my car before work and texted 2 guys here via IM to say HEEELLLP.

I told my wife I am in a bad spot today, and my distance is intentional for I know hate and venom is coming out---I don't want to do fire damage on her. She was glad I told her---it's not her fault.

Anyway, I finally called the T I interviewed last Friday with a fee proposal and am waiting on a return call.

(I feel like such a kid in need of help here. I really do. My childhood wasn't surrounded at all with healthy people or adults.....can I be a kid ......... again??? eek I am a kid really. Can I .....come out and play?

(we sound like freaks, don't we? laugh )

I have had one cup of coffee, and am.........numbing out and rationalizing now. But....I like feeling more. Don't like the cresendo, but anxiety/fear/why I started writing this post.......feels UNMANAGEABLE....or at least it seems it.

Someone came in. Juggling/hiding/shutting down feelings hurts big time

Alfred


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#350460 - 01/12/11 09:38 AM Re: fearful of my day [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
why do i have to come here? Why


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#350462 - 01/12/11 09:51 AM Re: fearful of my day [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
I would seriously prefer sabotaging my day vs. doing this coverup all day, for sure. I want to feel safe.


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#350463 - 01/12/11 10:16 AM Re: fearful of my day [Re: fhorns]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Hang in there man! I can relate to the fear of lashing out. I numb out quite often to avoid confrontation. I am a master at sabotaging my life / career and struggle daily to stay focused and realize that I don't need to put on a happy face for everyone. I am tired of being the "good boy". I was in my survivor group therapy meeting a couple weeks ago and the leader, Richard Gartner, told two of us "good boys" that maybe we should think of ourselves as "good men" who live honest lives and stand up for ourselves. The realization hit me that I live life through the lense of a six year old. Need to change my glasses and get new lenses!

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#350464 - 01/12/11 10:21 AM Re: fearful of my day [Re: ACRoberts]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
Thanks Allan. Scared today. Sabotaging has been my life motto, really. It screams distraction, or survival, to me.

Alfred


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#350467 - 01/12/11 10:37 AM Re: fearful of my day [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 666
Allan,
the smiley face is "sometimes" easy, but realizing I'm afraid of being discovered is stirring me bigtime. I am feeling six, and I act very DIS-empowered when high energy "Hi"'s come my way. Inside, I hear, "that's not me, not true today, no way".

Am I normal? Help!!



Edited by fhorns (01/12/11 10:37 AM)

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