I'm at work, trying to HIDE, wanting to hide, wishing, wishing, wishing I could be like i feel today--6, 10, 12? Not sure, but having to come to an office with smiley people freezes me. I sat in my car before work and texted 2 guys here via IM to say HEEELLLP.
I told my wife I am in a bad spot today, and my distance is intentional for I know hate and venom is coming out---I don't want to do fire damage on her. She was glad I told her---it's not her fault.
Anyway, I finally called the T I interviewed last Friday with a fee proposal and am waiting on a return call.
(I feel like such a kid in need of help here. I really do. My childhood wasn't surrounded at all with healthy people or adults.....can I be a kid ......... again???
I am a kid really. Can I .....come out and play?
(we sound like freaks, don't we?
I have had one cup of coffee, and am.........numbing out and rationalizing now. But....I like feeling more. Don't like the cresendo, but anxiety/fear/why I started writing this post.......feels UNMANAGEABLE....or at least it seems it.
Someone came in. Juggling/hiding/shutting down feelings hurts big time