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#350454 - 01/12/11 09:03 AM tired
lee55 Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 13
Loc: midwest
have lived with feelings of guilt, shame all my life, Never thought what male cousin had me do would stay with me all my life. Have had serious gender idenity issues all my life. So much energy spend trying to hide the thoughts. Feel all alone with these issues. Turn to chat rooms to feed alter ego.,while trying to be perfect husband, Can anyone relate. thanks for listening


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#350459 - 01/12/11 09:36 AM Re: tired [Re: lee55]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Lee - yes. I have those same feelings. Since getting counseling and joining MS. I have a better handle on matters. That's not to say, I am thriving, but, it has open up a pandora's box that can be overwhelming and painful. But I have found solace and encouragement in reading the stories, making friends and sharing. It's surprising, but then again it's not, that we are not alone. I read the same theme nearly every time.
I am 51, I was good at hiding it all, until I starting having physical manifestations that forced me into the hospital for two months and now I am getting help.
I also a married, but sexuality issues, thought and actions left me feeling less and my wife, who says she understands, really doesn't. She's not been there. My therapist encourages me to not humor myself and accept that they (wife and family) won't. Here, I have found love, acceptance, correction, empowerment.
hang in there, we all know and understand, some of us are ready to say that, others are still learning, so the lack of response is not to say we don't understand, it means, those thoughts triggers our own feelings and we're trying to get a handle on it ourselves.
Fraternally,
Bill

_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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#350461 - 01/12/11 09:48 AM Re: tired [Re: weharry1959]
lee55 Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 13
Loc: midwest
thank you so much. I agree outsiders have no idea. I feel like such a fraud a fake. What is seen on the outside is nothing that resides in me. Am I like this because of the abuse or was i born with these issues.
again many thanks
lee


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#350466 - 01/12/11 10:35 AM Re: tired [Re: lee55]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Lee you are not alone

welcome to chat and welcome to the board

why is a big question

abuse causes a lot of problems

talk to you soon

Michael joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#350468 - 01/12/11 10:42 AM Re: tired [Re: lee55]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2453
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Lee55,

First, welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

You are already experiencing those emotional roller coaster rides of your life.

My, fraternal brother, i have like you have lived with those feelings of guilt & shame. But only recently, since all those memories had come to the surface just a shade over 2 years ago.

But, you see, i loved my male perpetrator for the last 55 years. I thought that he loved me, because he "told me so."

My "mom" was already abusing me physically, emotionally & mentally. That part i had lived with for all my life. Starting at 8 years old i had always wished that she was dead.
I had told her many times after she beat the hell out of me.

But she had started sexually abusing me when i was 5 years old. However i didn't know that what she was doing to me was sexual abuse until a shade over 2 years ago. (I had thought that what she was doing to me was what all mothers do to their sons.)
I, was an alcoholic starting at 16 years old. I damn near killed myself in a traffic accident on Okinawa while i was in the Air Force. I went into therapy for alcoholism, and on my last session on the way out the door, he had said to me, Sgt. Corbett, you cannot run away from your self. But, now i know why. I was trying to drown that boy my inner child, in alcohol & was running away from him.

Two years ago all those long buried memories came to the surface. I was in a living hell, violent mood swings, and my wife of 36 years was at the brunt of my anger.

I have been married for almost 38 years, i am now (seperated) from her. I was never meant to have been married in the first place. I never had anything to do with girls/females until my late 20's early 30's. I had gotten my wife pregnant and took my responsability and married her. So here i am 33 years old and an instant father to a 11 year old boy & a new born son.

But more importantly, i never received the proprer upbringing from my "mom." I never had seen a father around, but i had a sister 3 years younger. So where was i supposed to have gotten the emotional connections & social skills from towards girls/females?

So, i started in theapy for sexual, emotional, physical & mental PTSD + 55 years. My wife came with me on two of them. I let her do the talking with my T, and did i get an ear full.
Doctor, Pete has never showed me any emotions. He hardly ever held me and gave me a hug. He never hardly gave me any kisses
He, never showed any emotions when i was suffering from cancer and after the operations. When we go out together either in a cafe or resturant he hardly ever talks to me.

But, doctor, when it comes to his son & grandsons he has always given them a hug & kiss, he always tells them that he loves them. When they cry he does too. When they hurt he does too. And his military buddies, he always had emotions for them. But, none-zero for me. But, why doctor? His answer to her was that Peter had never received any emotional nor social skills that he would need in his young/adolescent/manhood life. OK, but why didn't Pete tell me all this before we got married? Because he didn't know about his CSA stuff. His "mom" had effectively killed any emotional connection toward girls/females that he would need in his adolescent & adult years.

He was always in a mans enviroment. Ralph (my main male) perp had given me his attention & love starting at 8 years old and until he was 14. He was just the opposite of his "mom." He never beat, berated, physically, mentally or emotionally abused him. In essence he gave Ralph his body for his love of him. He was in a boy/man enviroment in that orphanage/Home, all males. Then he joined the Air Force 99.9% males.
Pete could only relate to males emotionally & physically for most of his life.

So, doctor, Pete was a lousy husband, but he is a great father & grandfather for his boys. Again all males.

I was always attracted to males both sexually & non sexually. Me and a cousin about 2 years younger than i had masturbation & oral sex together for about a year. I was aound 10-14 years old. I went with strange men who worked for the Boston subway system, knowing full well what they wanted me for. I was between 10-14 years old. I had a homosexual affair at 18 yrs old. And some at 70 yrs old.

I have attended four WoR's (weekends of recovery). I have had around 35 therapy sessions with a CSA only therapist. I have been to a 12 week group (male & female) PTSD meetings.

I have recently come to the realisation that i am a gay male. It was always there with me, but just under the concious level. I have told my now (seperated wife) that i can never return to her. I was taught how to have sexual, emotional & physical feelings for men. I am gay.

I have learned more about me in these last 18 months than in the previous 69 1/2 years.

Yes all those issues that we have to deal with. You are defintely not alone in your thoughts & feelings.
Like my wife had said to me "so you want to leave me and go marry a man." I was taken aback on those words. I had never given her reason to think that. But in hindsight perhaps she had seen something in me that i haden't.
A perfect husband. Not in the least.
Perhaps a perfect father & grandfather.

A pretty long answer to your wanting to have someone to relate to. But this is what made me into the man that i now am. No more trying to drown that boy in alcohol. No more running away from him...As he is me.

Heal well,my fraternal brother, lee, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#350475 - 01/12/11 11:30 AM Re: tired [Re: petercorbett]
lee55 Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 13
Loc: midwest
thank you for your sharing of your situation. Like you I truly felt like my cousin did love me with all the attention , touch and actions. Being raised by my mother like her daughter I have grown up with much much confusion. Am I the loving caring husband, or the child who was taught in a feminine manner as well as exposure to my cousin in a similiar manner. Its a constant inner struggle. Am hoping this site helps.
again many thanks my friend


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#350485 - 01/12/11 12:55 PM Re: tired [Re: lee55]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Wow Pete that was long

Lee hope u r getting good information and great support

Moose it is good to see you too

hugs all my friends here at MS including Lee

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#350498 - 01/12/11 03:40 PM Re: tired [Re: michael Joseph]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Lee --- i understand completely. my life of hiding my hurts - turned into porn addiction, sex addiction ----- if not that, it would have been something. When I got sober (17months ago) - I had to face csa issues. It has been tough -- but necessary to stop the downward spiral of my life. (I am 52yo - was 5-6 yo when abused by older neighbor brothers)

The men on this site will help LOTS......


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#350507 - 01/12/11 04:18 PM Re: tired [Re: Sobernow]
lee55 Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 13
Loc: midwest
thank you so much for the kind response. At least knowing i'm not completely alone in this helps alot.
lee


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