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#350629 - 01/13/11 12:56 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: RecoveryReady1]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Writer- cant help but to think about the ways we protect the abuser...thank you for saying that, it's really helpful.
It's like the abuse causes this reverse thing where I felt guilty for not protecting them....crazy!


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#350633 - 01/13/11 01:36 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: RecoveryReady1]
traillius Offline


Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 260
I didn't protect my abusers. However, due to my own circumstances apart from them, ( wife and son issues ) I took no legal or physical action. I did inform them that it would be in their 'best interest' to avoid me.


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#350636 - 01/13/11 02:16 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: traillius]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Guys,

Protecting the abuser...classic Stockholm Syndrom. Very common. I protected mine at the time..certainly not now! Yes, golf clubs and much worse lol. BTW, I confronted my abuser last year...no gold clubs, but I certainly wasn't interested in protecting him.

Bill, just because someone was abused is no reason to have an ounce of compassion for them IMHO. Rehabilitate if that's possible, I guess...but compassion? no friggin' way.

Forgiveness is absolutely not necessary for recovery in most people's eyes. Things like recovery programs and often this website are dominated by Christian themes like forgiveness. If you've got a religious reason that's one thing, but most clinicians have moved beyond that. A survivor has real issues to deal with, and forgiving someone really isn't gonna help PTSD and all the rest very much. I know it can work wonders for some, I just really don't like it being presented as a requirement or a cure.

all the best,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#350670 - 01/13/11 09:04 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: sono]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
Oprah presented 2 definitions of forgiveness which I like. Accepting the past cannot be any different and no longer allowing the abuser to hold any reigns to our life. Boths these are non religious. To me, forgiveness means handing over my mothers punishment and karma to a higher power and no longer being angry - just complete invalidate her existance and everything shes done to me in my new view of reality.

I feel like most people define foregiveness as excusing what the abuser did... atleast thats how I used to define forgiveness and why I rejected it so passionately.

~Grant

_________________________
There is always hope

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#350703 - 01/14/11 08:42 AM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: Neverquit]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5775
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
I've learned that before the perp gets caught the first time, they, on average, have 83 victims and were often victims themselves.


This is not accurate. The figure of 83 likely came from research done over 25 years ago on a skewed population (convicted sex offenders) and has not been replicated even closely in other studies.

The latter satement that these men "were often victims themselves" helps perpetuate the myth that victims go on to become offenders.

When you get these "facts" or statistics, it is generally a good idea to check out where the figures come from. Often, misleading or erroneous statements get replicated like mushrooms in a forest after a rain. They get cut and pasted without anyone checking out their truthfullness.


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#350724 - 01/14/11 12:52 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: tommyb]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
wow those are dark stats

tommy,
i too was abused by my parents
my therapist said something that i found helpful to understand my little boy
she said that parental abuse puts the child in a horrible double bind
when a child is hurt, the instinct is to run to their parents for protection
but when the parent you run to is destroying you
....

it's so heartbreaking. my heart goes out to you man.

ra


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#350725 - 01/14/11 12:58 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
just read that that stat may not be accurate.

ken can you give us another stat that better reflects recent research?-- how many victims does the average perp have before caught


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#350730 - 01/14/11 01:29 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: risingagain]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
That is a very destructive experience when you are abused by your own parents....This is true for me as well...The difficulty in trying to figure out what's going on..why it's happening.....must be my fault...and of coures the need to survive, so one cannot even think it could be the parents fault.....and then the monumental task of coming to the reality about what happened....and the acceptance of that...means turning everything I know on it's head and trusting that some other way ....Seems so strange to actually stand up for the child, just for the sake of standing up for the child ...not for anyone else's sake or for some higher good, but just because it feels right


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#350733 - 01/14/11 01:35 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: risingagain]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Anyway ....meant to say ...that is so true about being caught in that double bind you describe...It takes so few words to describe that situation...but it is so destructive...I feel the pain of that ....it was really bad.


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#350734 - 01/14/11 01:40 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: RecoveryReady1]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 915
Loc: southern California
Risingagain and RecoveryReady1, for me, your comments bring up some profound points. Thanks for adding to the conversation. A light bulb switched "on" for me.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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