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#350406 - 01/11/11 07:48 PM Protecting the perpetrator
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
A quote from another web site referencing Mike Lew's Victims No Longer:
"Help the client not yield to the inclination to protect or take care of the perpetrator. Even if the client cares deeply for their abuser. The perpetrator is not in need of protection."

I just discovered today that this is a symptom. It is quite a realization because it is the primary roadblock in my path to healing. Has anyone read Lew's book and can share some insight? Has anyone else experienced and/or worked your way through this tendency to protect your abuser?



Edited by WriterKeith (01/11/11 08:44 PM)
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#350409 - 01/11/11 08:09 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: WriterKeith]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 70
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Writer - I have been having a crummy day and for that matter a while. For this subject has been a conflict for me. My previous employment was that I worked with high maintenance/high risk developmentally delayed individuals. I built such a good name and program that my boss told me that I was going to start a new program working with Sex Offenders. I quickly begged off, and after a month of arguments he asked me why I was so adamant. My first step into self disclosure that I was a victim of sexual abuse. Thinking that he have understanding, he stated that I was the perfect person, because I wouldn't let them get away with anything. I was pretty emotional and felt the shame of telling my boss this. so, I started a program for community based M.R. Sex Offenders and for 12 months I attended a long weekend program with academics, attorneys, state officials, therapists, counselors, probation officers on how to develop and work with this population. I've learned that before the perp gets caught the first time, they, on average, have 83 victims and were often victims themselves.
I had a counseling session this AM and I am sooo frustrated. one side of me wants to take a golf club and hit their nuts so hard they get lodged in their throats and the other side of me wants to understand that these perps are acting out their experience in attempting to gain control of the abuse in their own lives.
I also have been working on my walk towards forgiveness. For me it is important in my walk. I'm just feel so angry and hurt and frustrated and stupid. Why do I try to be compassionate and understand and yet, such a rage in me. My counselor says that this a part of the process for me. I've always been a controlled person. Always the diplomat and peace keeper and learning to express my anger is something new and scary. I just feel so befuddled! Bill

_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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#350413 - 01/11/11 08:22 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: WriterKeith]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 362
Loc: American South
__________


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#350416 - 01/11/11 08:50 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: weharry1959]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
"Befuddled" Bill? You have more self-discipline than I. Your profession gives you a unique POV on these issues.

Perps average 83 victims before they're caught? Wow...that is mind boggling.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#350465 - 01/12/11 10:28 AM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: WriterKeith]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Writer-This does seem to be the problem and I see it in my new group for cas.
I see these people as so important and powerful and I dont step up with my own thoughts and feelings about the abuse.
Or I see them as weak and needing protection.
Either way I stay in this state of catering to people who are abusive even in my life today...I seem to seek them out and then feel hurt overwhelmed and rejected.
It became clear when I saw others in the group make their abusers and the ones who should have been protecting them seem so powerful and important....almost seemed delusional when I was listening to them....then I see that's what I'm doing.


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#350473 - 01/12/11 11:26 AM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: RecoveryReady1]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
RR1, you hit it on the head. It was so very obvious and yet it hit me like a bolt out of the blue. The only time I have seen my father in the past 5 years was when he fabricated a story and attempted to get a restraining order against me...and I'm worrying myself about his daily welfare, his doctor appointments and medication, and whether his house is clean for him? I needed a knock upside the head...which is exactly what I got when I read about the symptom of victims protecting their perpetrators. I spared my father public embarrassment for molesting and torturing my sister and I, which is more than any son is required to do.

btw.. welcome to the site. Glad you're here. You're a great addition to the team. -Keith



Edited by WriterKeith (01/12/11 11:26 AM)
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#350490 - 01/12/11 01:57 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: WriterKeith]
1227ms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
An average of 83! That means 82 besides me! Ouch! I am with you on swinging the golf club! I guess that is me starting to allow myself to feel anger! I guess that is actually good at this point. I don't feel any sympathy or need to protect my perp. My perp was a stranger. I can understand how people could feel differently about someone they are, or were close to.

Matt

_________________________
“Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.”
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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#350501 - 01/12/11 03:50 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: 1227ms]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 951
Loc: southern California
Hi, Matt,
I've been reading up on the issue of forgiveness. From what I've read this week from CSA specialists on the Internet, forgiving the perp is not recommended for everyone, and contrary to popular belief, is not essential to healing. Who knew?

As it turns out, we are all unique individuals requiring unique combinations for working through our recovery. Because there are so many of us, therapists and researchers have no choice but to study us in grids and categories. This results in generalizations and blanket beliefs like, "The only way to heal is to forgive." Turns out many specialists disagree with that as a cure-all for everyone.

So, Matt, it turns out you know what you're talking about!

Keith

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#350600 - 01/13/11 09:38 AM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: weharry1959]
brokenleg Offline


Registered: 01/05/10
Posts: 65
Originally Posted By: weharry1959
I've learned that before the perp gets caught the first time, they, on average, have 83 victims and were often victims themselves.

83. That's more than I thought. Unfortunately they are deriving like mushrooms.
Tigger
I was 6 when the sexual abuse had began, 9 when it was over.
I remembered I had felt sorry when they had left the city that time. I thought being alone was worse than the abuse. Now I am glad that they had left.
Protecting them was the last thing I wanna do.


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#350628 - 01/13/11 12:51 PM Re: Protecting the perpetrator [Re: WriterKeith]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Cheers Writer
It is good to be here...glad I found this incredible support.
RR


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