Writer - I have been having a crummy day and for that matter a while. For this subject has been a conflict for me. My previous employment was that I worked with high maintenance/high risk developmentally delayed individuals. I built such a good name and program that my boss told me that I was going to start a new program working with Sex Offenders. I quickly begged off, and after a month of arguments he asked me why I was so adamant. My first step into self disclosure that I was a victim of sexual abuse. Thinking that he have understanding, he stated that I was the perfect person, because I wouldn't let them get away with anything. I was pretty emotional and felt the shame of telling my boss this. so, I started a program for community based M.R. Sex Offenders and for 12 months I attended a long weekend program with academics, attorneys, state officials, therapists, counselors, probation officers on how to develop and work with this population. I've learned that before the perp gets caught the first time, they, on average, have 83 victims and were often victims themselves.
I had a counseling session this AM and I am sooo frustrated. one side of me wants to take a golf club and hit their nuts so hard they get lodged in their throats and the other side of me wants to understand that these perps are acting out their experience in attempting to gain control of the abuse in their own lives.
I also have been working on my walk towards forgiveness. For me it is important in my walk. I'm just feel so angry and hurt and frustrated and stupid. Why do I try to be compassionate and understand and yet, such a rage in me. My counselor says that this a part of the process for me. I've always been a controlled person. Always the diplomat and peace keeper and learning to express my anger is something new and scary. I just feel so befuddled! Bill
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.