This is very sad. A man named Bill Zeller, a very talented programmer of some note, killed himself after dealing with his CSA for many, many years. The full text of his suicide note is difficult to read but I think it will resonate with many of you as it has for me.

Text of letter is here: http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller?skyline=true&s=i

I don't know if Mr. Zeller ever found MaleSurvivor - he says that he never felt a doctor would respect his privacy enough to truly help him so I would guess that he didn't feel comfortable with a forum such as this.

My heart breaks for a guy like this - I wish he was still around so that I could apologize for his pain, assure him that he isn't an alien or an outsider and introduce him to this group.

I was just coming to post this myself. So profoundly sad.

Andrew Sullivan has posted on this as well as ABC News.

-efm

Wow, just finished reading all of that. I think a lot of us can relate to so much of what he was voicing. Thank you, Shaun, for posting the link. And rest in peace, Bill.

A stark reminder of the reality of our situation. I can't help but wonder how many Bill Zellers we encounter here in the forums or in the chatroom.

Everyone, please be careful how we treat each other online. We are the only resource available to some of our fellow survivors.

Very important, Shawn, Mark and Keith

Thank you

Allen

It reminds us all that if speaking out can change one life, then it is worth it. Truly it is impossible to unrape someone, but it may be possible to make your peace. Everyone's path is different, in my own path I found a way through in God. But my way of doing it was through an attempt to kill myself with alcohol. My feelings in doing so were thoroughly echoed throughout Bill's letter. I do pray that God found some way to show grace to a tortured soul.

I lost my own brother to suicide four years ago. Although I had spoke to him as little as I could as an adult, I knew him well. He suffered the exact things I did and could not cope. When we went to clean out his apartment, I noticed his stereo was on. He had said to me decades ago that if he were going to blow his head off, he would play Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. I hit the eject button and there it was. I regret not being able to help him pull out of it but I was afraid he would hurt me.

That letter says a lot about the never ending presence of the past. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't help. I am optimistic of the future but somber about it. May Bill rest in peace.

Catfish, your story here convinced me to move forward with exposing my face, my name, and my story. A documentary is being made about my journey and I have been ambivalent about anonymity vs. exposure. I'm tired of hiding and it's time to come out of the shadows to help others. Thanks for the nudge.

Here's the newspaper report:

http://trentonian.com/articles/2011/01/07/news/doc4d27530609ed7226255935.txt



Allen

I read (most) of it. I've been crying for about an hour now, and can't stop. I wish outsiders could understand the waiting, and the alien feeling...

I've tried about a dozen times to write something clever expressing my thanks and respect for the amazing letter. Everything I have to say pales.

Thank you Mr Zeller, you are a force to be reckoned with.

I just read the whole letter. Incredibly powerful, and sad.

I don't think Bill Zeller ever knew about MS or anywhere else he could get support. He was alone, dealing with CSA. I doubt if he ever read a book on this, despite being a brilliant guy.

It just shows we have a long way to go.

I suspect there are more Bill Zellers out there.
Jim

So why is suicide so tragic? Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon. Why shouldn't someone with life-long pain, without faith or hope be allowed to take his/her own life at will?

Suicide is tragic because, in the case of csa victims,


It represents a life of suffering without healing-ending a life doesn't heal abuse.

It represents a life of isolation that ends in the ultimate isolation-so cut off that one dies.

It represents hopelessness in a world where hope exists.

Ultimately it was Zellers decision to NOT reach out, to NOT ask for help (apparently, from his letter).

I think those decisions were what really caused his death-csa trauma and wounds can experience healing-that is the story I'm living and experiencing here at MS

I feel more sympathy for him than anything else - before I went into therapy, before I found MS, I was convinced I was weird, I was sick, I was crazy and I was a pervert. I'm glad I have the answer now but my heart breaks for him and for others that went their whole lives carrying that horrible burden.

Since reading his letter, I haven't been able to get Bill Zeller out of my mind. I have the feeling that if I would have read his letter a year ago, I would have numbed myself from any impact - possibly not reading it to protect myself from feeling more pain. At this point in my recovery, after almost a year of intense EMDR and other methods, I can read the letter, feel his pain, and grow from his words. His letter reminds me how important it is for us to talk - and to have society talk to us in a better way. This awful feeling we all have felt (or are currently feeling) can be drastically improved with hard work and openness. When I read his letter, all I think about is how close he was to finding freedom - his intellect and awareness of his feelings were superb, if only he felt like he could talk. So much work to do.

Yesterday, I posted something to my blog about Bill and I've already had thousands of responses. It made me realize that we have the Nation's attention again (albeit in a tragic way). If we can take Bill's experience and make it a portal to education and understanding, I imagine that he would like that.

Chris
www.buryingjack.com

I'm not trying to bury this thread, but it seems appropriate to mention here another guy who took his own life a few months ago. Liri sometimes came into MS. There were some here who knew him well.

Here is a link to the thread, In Memory of...Liri, whose actual name was Oliver Strummer. He was abused by his dad.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post338563

Guys, life is precious. If you feel that all is lost, then tell somebody. Tell a mod. Ask for help. It's never too late to hope.

Allen

I am sorry about Liri. I didn't know him but he touched many people. Life is not worth leaving, there is too much good here, no matter the situation.