This is very sad. A man named Bill Zeller, a very talented programmer of some note, killed himself after dealing with his CSA for many, many years. The full text of his suicide note is difficult to read but I think it will resonate with many of you as it has for me.

Text of letter is here: http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller?skyline=true&s=i

I don't know if Mr. Zeller ever found MaleSurvivor - he says that he never felt a doctor would respect his privacy enough to truly help him so I would guess that he didn't feel comfortable with a forum such as this.

My heart breaks for a guy like this - I wish he was still around so that I could apologize for his pain, assure him that he isn't an alien or an outsider and introduce him to this group.

I was just coming to post this myself. So profoundly sad.

Andrew Sullivan has posted on this as well as ABC News.

-efm

Wow, just finished reading all of that. I think a lot of us can relate to so much of what he was voicing. Thank you, Shaun, for posting the link. And rest in peace, Bill.

A stark reminder of the reality of our situation. I can't help but wonder how many Bill Zellers we encounter here in the forums or in the chatroom.

Everyone, please be careful how we treat each other online. We are the only resource available to some of our fellow survivors.

Very important, Shawn, Mark and Keith

Thank you

Allen

It reminds us all that if speaking out can change one life, then it is worth it. Truly it is impossible to unrape someone, but it may be possible to make your peace. Everyone's path is different, in my own path I found a way through in God. But my way of doing it was through an attempt to kill myself with alcohol. My feelings in doing so were thoroughly echoed throughout Bill's letter. I do pray that God found some way to show grace to a tortured soul.

I lost my own brother to suicide four years ago. Although I had spoke to him as little as I could as an adult, I knew him well. He suffered the exact things I did and could not cope. When we went to clean out his apartment, I noticed his stereo was on. He had said to me decades ago that if he were going to blow his head off, he would play Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. I hit the eject button and there it was. I regret not being able to help him pull out of it but I was afraid he would hurt me.

That letter says a lot about the never ending presence of the past. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't help. I am optimistic of the future but somber about it. May Bill rest in peace.

Catfish, your story here convinced me to move forward with exposing my face, my name, and my story. A documentary is being made about my journey and I have been ambivalent about anonymity vs. exposure. I'm tired of hiding and it's time to come out of the shadows to help others. Thanks for the nudge.

Here's the newspaper report:

http://trentonian.com/articles/2011/01/07/news/doc4d27530609ed7226255935.txt



Allen

I read (most) of it. I've been crying for about an hour now, and can't stop. I wish outsiders could understand the waiting, and the alien feeling...

I've tried about a dozen times to write something clever expressing my thanks and respect for the amazing letter. Everything I have to say pales.

Thank you Mr Zeller, you are a force to be reckoned with.

I just read the whole letter. Incredibly powerful, and sad.

I don't think Bill Zeller ever knew about MS or anywhere else he could get support. He was alone, dealing with CSA. I doubt if he ever read a book on this, despite being a brilliant guy.

It just shows we have a long way to go.

I suspect there are more Bill Zellers out there.
Jim