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#349666 - 01/03/11 03:20 PM Perp irks me
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Does it irk any other wives that their H's perp never had to answer for what they did? - assuming that is the case.

My H's perp did time for other sex offenses but never had to answer for what he did to my H. P*sses me off STILL. This is like 2.5 years after H disclosed to me and I STILL want to hunt this guy down and beat him with a metal bat.

Anyone else?


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#349673 - 01/03/11 04:46 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sugarbaby]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Sugarbaby,

This is my favorite post of all time at MS!!!!

Go get 'em! My wife would join you. Lol

All the best,

Kevin

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#349674 - 01/03/11 04:52 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sono]
jorgea73 Offline


Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 30
Loc: Southern California
My wife would like to join you as well.


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#349677 - 01/03/11 05:27 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: jorgea73]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
I think you are speaking a natural valid response. My wife would not hesitate to vendicate given the appropriate opportunity

_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

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#349706 - 01/03/11 11:18 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: Mulligan]
TwoStep Offline


Registered: 01/02/11
Posts: 31
Amen sister. Give me just 10 minutes in a room alone with her... only one of us would come out. That would be me.

That said...without regard to statutes of limitations and all that as far as filing an actual suit against the person, I wonder if reports can be filed with a state's child protective services, even long after the fact. Not that it is remotely close to justice (nothing is), but a matter of public record if nothing else.


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#349740 - 01/04/11 09:26 AM Re: Perp irks me [Re: TwoStep]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
wow - I didn't think i had so much company there!

I figured I'd get a lot of responses suggesting therapy!! smile


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#349748 - 01/04/11 10:41 AM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sugarbaby]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Originally Posted By: sugarbaby
I figured I'd get a lot of responses suggesting therapy!!


Not from the guys, no way! I think we all pretty much like the idea of someone going and doing what we were too powerless to do back then...particularly if it's the woman in our lives!

K

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#349768 - 01/04/11 04:46 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sono]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I'll just add that my lovely wife would love to get her hands on the perp for a few minutes....I'd put everything I had and borrow some on her winning..LOL

Seriously though...I have discussed the fact that for years I buried this info and learned to be so fake around him that I was able to do it with ease....27+ years of practice...for the wife this is a fresh wound....that and I'm a cool husband and she would defend me to the end.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#349773 - 01/04/11 05:47 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: Castle]
SeekingStrength Offline


Registered: 11/18/10
Posts: 16
Hi SugarBaby,

ihihihihi. You have hit the proverbial nail on the head. I would have loved to get my hands on my fiance's perp. Does that make me a bad person?? I dont know. I think the feeling is a universal one.

Look at how child sex offenders are attacked by mobs in prisons, purely for the type of crime they have committed. I think it's instinctive for us as wives/partners to want to protect who we love!

My fiance's perp has been dead for a few years now, but a really dark part of me wishes he was still alive just to get my hands on him....Ooooooh, I can easily visualize sharpening some ninja stars!:-)



Edited by SeekingStrength (01/04/11 05:49 PM)
_________________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

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#349801 - 01/05/11 03:47 AM Re: Perp irks me [Re: SeekingStrength]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Sugarbaby,

My H's perp is still very present in our lives, to this very day. It's a family member and unfortunately, my H is still early in recovery and cannot come to to terms with his Perp. I, however, hold an overabundant amount of hatred and disgust towards him. Every time I see him, I want to just tear him apart. My H remains civil and respectful, I, just sit there and stir in hate towards the man who took both of our lives away, with his acts...

Someone hand me a virtual bat. I'll join in.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#349925 - 01/06/11 03:08 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: Lost Spark]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I have a lot of company!! smile


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#349944 - 01/06/11 05:32 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sugarbaby]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Oh yes, if I ever come across my partner's perp I'll spit in his face. The guy was a teacher and has abused mor than one kid, several at the same time when my partner was his victim. He also used the kids to get access to new victims by convincing them to bring in friends for extracurricular activities.
Now how disgusting is that.

I would love to see that guy proscecuted.


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#351585 - 01/22/11 03:58 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: Shawushka]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I'm wondering what stops the victims from prosecuting - or attempting to legally hold the perp responsible.

I'd love to go after the guy even if I was sure it was a loosing case. I think for me ....I want to feel like he knows he has to answer for it....to someone. He could deny it of course and it could be a moot point but.....just to call him out on it would be of some satisfaction. To me.

My H on the other hand crumbled at the idea and I just dropped it long ago.

I don't understand the crumbling. Any thoughts guys?


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#351636 - 01/23/11 09:56 AM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I had to think about this for a bit.

I know what it is.....I want the perp to know that my H told. Period.

After all the threats and abuse....he told you sadistic piece of sh*t.

A good bat upside the head might drive that message through. smile



Edited by sugarbaby (01/23/11 09:56 AM)

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#351637 - 01/23/11 09:58 AM Re: Perp irks me [Re: sugarbaby]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Sugarbaby:
The act of confronting a perpetrator needs to be done from an adult perspective with the resources that the adult now has (that he didn't have when the abuse took place.)

Unfortunately, a lot of survivors fall back to the victim's age and emotionality when talking about the abuse. On an intellectual level, they know they are adults with much more power than they had way back then. However, the emotional filter or point of view come into play for many survivors when contemplating some legal or confrontive action and they emotionally revert to the vulnerable child.

Confronting or suing a perpetrator can be a liberating growth experience but it has a potentially high cost of terror for many. To the outsider, it seems to make sense to take on the perpetrator now that the survivor is safe from more harm. However, for the survivor, the emotional wear and tear can be too much and result in avoidance or self-comforting/medicating behaviors.


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#351662 - 01/23/11 01:57 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Thank you Ken!


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#351671 - 01/23/11 02:43 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: Lost Spark]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
My heart goes out to you Lost Spark. I don't know if I could handle seeing my H's perps (so sad that it has to be plural). I am not civil enough to bite my tongue. Find solice in the fact that you have more control and strength over your lives at this moment than what that perp did to your H. You are a much stronger person and that monster can never take that away from you. One day, with your love and support, your H can get to the place where he needs to be with the perp.


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#351672 - 01/23/11 02:47 PM Re: Perp irks me [Re: iwanttocry]
iwanttocry Offline


Registered: 01/13/11
Posts: 23
Ken, your insight is pure revalation. It has always been so upsetting for me that most perps don't get reported, even after the victim has escaped from the perp as adults. I never thought of it like how you explained it. It always tormented me that perps rely on the fact that victims don't tell, so that they can do it over and over and over again. I always thought that if it had happened to me, I would tell because I wouldn't want another child to be harmed. I guess it's easier said than done. My H has never reported his abusers either. I bothers me that they are probably still preying on victims today.


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#352277 - 01/29/11 06:46 AM Re: Perp irks me [Re: iwanttocry]
Nicole Offline


Registered: 08/06/09
Posts: 13
Loc: USA
Well said Ken.

....and since the partners of survivors cannot possibly do anything to change what happened to our loved ones so many years ago...

it's kinda therapeutic to imagine the whole baseball bat scenario. In my case I have publically humiliated the perps a hundred different ways in my imagination and that would hurt these particular f**ker's more than a bat.

Don't worry Ken, I'm not really going to do it.


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