I can relate to your post. It is really hard to broke old patterns.
I realized that I don't want to involve any discussions
My mum was questioning me recently why I wasn't try to haggle over the price. I prefer to reach an agreement, taking a short cut, escaping from fight out an argument. Old paths not easy to change.
My cousins who are 5 year older than me, raped me when I was 5 years old. I did want to play game with them, they had never accepted me as a part of their group.
Now, when a group or a person show companionship, I hesitate to join them. Actually I just stay away. Probably I don't trust them. I was alone as a child, that go on in high school. I still prefer my privacy. Is this re-victimization?
Sorry for the rant. And thanks for the chance to vent.