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#346201 - 11/24/10 10:22 PM I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 698
If there's any group of guys who know what I'm talking about, it's you guys. Here's what happened recently.

While looking for a new T through the MS site, I found out about a very efficient therapy mode called Rapid Resolution Therapy (RRT). I was very impressed since many of the video testimonials were from SA survivors, and after just a few sessions, they had found some profound healing from the emotional traumas they had suffered. So I found the site for the therapy (www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com) and found a list of trained T's.

I found T's who practice it in my state, and it can be done from anywhere via phone or Skype. However, the first two I checked out went for about $250/hr, and neither carried my insurance plan. The insurance was key because my copay is only $60. I looked, and one advertised she carried my plan, so I called her. I stayed with her due to "just wanting to get it done!!" and not wanting to put my short bio out to yet another T--I had already contacted about 6 in the prior 24 hours--not RRT T's. I wanted what they (the people giving the testimonials) had....NOW!

But why? Why would I choose a female T? I've had (guarded) honesty from me with them in the last 10 years, and being with a male T has always allowed much much more authenticity. Maybe I made a rash choice, but......I wanted to test RRT. I even told her while interviewing her. She thought it very bold. (No, the TRUTH is I wanted healing NOW!!!)

Well, I interviewed her over the phone, but I chose to do our first session via Skype, which I'd never done. She was very direct, and my triggers were not alive much in the first 20 minutes.

When she challenged my thinking though, redirecting my communication, I found myself....feeling and thinking like I did as a child. I was (internally) resistant. She saw it in my speech and eye movements, and as is RRT's value, she continually reminded me where I was--in my living room, not in my childhood home. It's focus keeps one in the present moment. RRT works almost entirely with the subconcious, using words, symbols, and ideas to let the client know it is in the past. It has real value.

I'm feeling fear though. I'd love someone to coddle me here, feel sorry for me, but........it's never helped. I'd love someone to carry this pain. But I'm asking

Would you stay?

I know I can find reasons why anyone is not an valuable friend, therapist, or anything important, or something I don't think I need, when in fact, I do need them. It's also why my life has really diminished the last 7 years or so.....because anyone who makes me feel threatened I X out of my reality!! I just X them out of awareness.

She wasn't dangerous. She was actually very encouraging. But I felt like a little kid, maybe 6 or younger, and according to that mentality, I kept a LOT inside. I had to force myself to speak up, for old patterns were saying "unsafe! It's unknown, so keep it in". She actually spotted my behavior, and....I felt relieved, but vulnerable to emotional harm.

I'll list some ideas as to what I may do before we meet again, and I'll ask for additional imput from guys who have "been there, done that".

I can call or email her to let her know my reactions, my "keep it in" mode.

I can dump her, blame her for my pain, feel sorry for myself, and hope someone else joins my pity party (how many times have I/we done that?) I could then find another T, talk bad about her, and remain a victim (I've done this too, numerous times)

I can resume with her, articulate fears, ask to be heard, but listen to her to see if I'm looking for faults (faultfinding). I could (should even) tell her I've been doing that. If I stay with her, I'll get a better feel for RRT's validity, and maybe.......even leave my Mom triggers behind!! Because THAT's why I'm seeking treatment with RRT!!!

I'll take any imput on this. Thank you for allowing me to share--"not allowed" was my childhood standard--but I'm 39 now. Anyway, thanks for reading this.

Alfred


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#347630 - 12/09/10 01:19 PM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: fhorns]
litenin Offline


Registered: 12/09/10
Posts: 5
Loc: Australia
She sounds excellent. There comes a time to start taking action, the active doing in changing old patterns. Acknowledging feelings and reactions that came from sexual abuse is essential, but meaningles, even disabling if it stops there.
The fact you can experience unease about trusting a female, even a therapist, suggests it's potential gains of a constructive interaction within a vulnerable situation has greater merit.
True and fuller recovery requires the mastery of life's social and practical skills. This eventually is liberating. It never is comfortable the process of moving outside of set patterns. Your body and mind will have bouts of resisting this,everyone protests aspects of change while overall accepting it.

A good therapist will in a respectful , compassionate, able to elicit your trust using a firm manner over tasks to be accomplished . That's all you need, and wether you like her a little or a lot isn't relevant. Skip the subjective feeling focus, follow through with tasks set for you where you are guided in handling feelings. The impact of sexual abuse does not need to remain a life sentence determining your limitations permanently.That is even though the experience of SA will never disappear.
Goodluck!


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#347633 - 12/09/10 01:38 PM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: litenin]
litenin Offline


Registered: 12/09/10
Posts: 5
Loc: Australia
Stop dwelling on the fault finding etc or even waste your time and money dealing with it. Your going through meaningless garden variety resistance to change. Listen to her and carry out exercises and tasks that are worked out. Deal with your feelings about the past and current persons in your life. After a few sessions, only then discuss anything you want to deal with about her. It might mean something then, more than change avoidance.


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#347634 - 12/09/10 01:43 PM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: litenin]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Alfred,

I am very sorry, I did NOT respond to your post earlier. I saw your post right after you wrote it but lost it.

I have had a female T for 2.5 years now. My mom was the perp in my life and seeing Stacy was HUGE task for me.

She was the most qualified and IN my insurance network. I was HURTING bad so, I dug my nails so to speak.

She is very good and sounds like your on the path to one.

Your doing well.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347647 - 12/09/10 04:36 PM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: Avery46]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5953
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
She sounds good, Alfred,

She is helping to keep you in the present by gentle encouraging reminders, while she challenges the past. You seen receptive to the challenges, and are aware of the triggers interfering in your life. The timing of RRT and your recovery ability seen very compatible.

I know you will come up with the right decision.

Peace and self care,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#349576 - 01/02/11 02:27 PM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: SamV]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 698
I'm here after a conversation with a survivor this morning. He asked how things (meaning T) were going with this therapist. I sat for a few seconds.

"Well, I honestly have mixed feelings, because I'm not with her anymore. She was very competent. I stopped seeing her after our 3rd session. I had specifically asked to work on a key traumatic memory, and.......she took my mother's side once I had aired it, and I felt fearful (of emotional abandonment---AGAIN). After that I was just saying, "Yeah", "uh huh". But that was why I chose to see a trauma specialist, DUHHHHH!!!!"

This survivor shared his understanding, and how, in his many years of therapy, he had to "train" the few T's he's worked with. He emphathized with me, but he knew it's better when confronting the tension, and not running away.

I added something else, which was why I felt confused and fearful. I re-opened a book by Gordon Dalbey called "Healing the Masculine Soul", and found something I KNEW was eating at me.

The chapter is titled "She Left Me!" In short, it's the story of a man and woman who had been dating around six years, and she suddenly left. Why? That was the man's question to the author, a pastoral counselor as well.

He asked what they fought about. He said "uh, we never fought". He probed a little: "Why? Why'd you never fight?"

He was afraid if he stood up to her bickering, her pettiness, he feared she would leave him. His dad always cowered to his mom, and she (ironically) expected more, not less. However, in a later admission by the original girlfriend, she said she left because she felt she had been given ALL the power--and she didn't want it.

Back to our conversation, I told him I hadn't said "I don't feel safe by you minimizing this TRAUMA of mine." I hadn't said anything. I had just cowered, been silent. She DID say to me shortly before we hung up: "I don't feel you accepted my words today." I told her (quietly) that was true. And I never contacted her again. I never, have never, confronted many women over their flaws. I've just abandoned them.

Could I, should I tell her? My history is full of emotionally unavailable women, and I'm "seeing" (imagining) more dismissal. Should I? Why? Honestly, the ROOT of this lies with my mother who abandoned me, so would doing it with a T heal this, or resolve it? Who here has either done, or heard of someone doing that? I'm willing--I just need tools. But........what should I expect?

Hmmmmmm.


Alfred


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#349605 - 01/02/11 07:42 PM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: fhorns]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 698
After coming back to the last post, I did here what I did with her: I said "I am afraid I'll make a mistake!! ANYONE ANYONE---MAKE THE DECISION FOR ME!" That doesn't work. But I always have somewhat deified women. It's a (nice) charade.....

Calling it as I'm doing it. Denial/avoidance hurts ME.

But I'm scared/shamed of making mistakes, any at all.

Alfred


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#349626 - 01/03/11 01:03 AM Re: I have a female T--and seeking other's experiences [Re: fhorns]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Alfred,

I think it becomes clear that you need a male therapist. With the background of your mom, it's a major hurdle for you to relate to a woman therapist.

The thing is that it's difficult enough to dig into one's pain from the past without having to confront your abuser in the process. That's just too much to ask. You are confronting your abuser (your mom) as you project those painful emotions involving her onto your therapist. This is not going to work out.

In other respects, it does seem like you made some progress with her (the RRT gal) right at the beginning. But it crashed and burned as it progressed.

Allen

pufferfish






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