ok.... i'm feeling really weird, scared, and about to cancel this post before i even start it, but i want to push through this. i want to stand up to a part of me that's scaring the hell outta me and win instead of being a coward....

no, this isn't about labels such as whether i'm heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. this is about being ok with being a sexual person at all....

*feels sick to my stomach*......

all my life there have been many factors in it that has pushed the ideal that sex is wrong. from growing up in a very strict religious home, to the abuse i went through as a kid, to even the ridicule and taunts that i would receive throughout childhood and into adult life....

here i am, almost 40 years old and, for the most part, i'm really ignorant to sex. i remember as a kid all the stories i would hear from buddies, the jokes being made, even by me although a lot of them i didn't even understand.

the couple of times i tried to have a serious discussion about sex i was shut down by my folks really quick on it and my friends made fun of me for being ignorant. even into adulthood the couple of times i tried having a serious discussion about it i would get teased and taunted for my ignorance. made to feel like i'm not normal.

when i would get asked if i was a virgin i would answer truthfully and say yes, i would get "the look". the look that screams "are you from mars?"... even had one guy ask me if i was crazy because i was still a virgin...this cut me to my core.. made me feel even lower and worthless...

throughout my life sex has been such a painful topic to me that i couldn't bring it up anymore... so much pain attributed to it that i seriously thought about medical castration so that i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore...

gosh, i feel like puking right now....

it wasn't until about 6 months ago that i finally came to a point that i wouldn't feel guilty about mb'ing anymore..

i'm now trying to open myself up to the thoughts and feelings that it's ok to be sexual and to explore that side of me and enjoy it, not feel guilty about it, and get the thoughts out of my head that sex is wrong... i just want to be a healthy sexual person...

*uuughhhh*... can't believe i just put this out there... i better hit submit before i change my mind...

Obi

What you just did... Takes guts, man.

To put this topic out there and take this huge step is evidence of your growth concerning your recovery. I'm proud of you for doing this, man.

Let me tell you something... You are more mature, more centered and more sensitive about the subject of sex by posting this than most men I know.

This shows a facet of your being that reveals strength. I wish you every success as you work through this this year.

You have my support, buddy. And my respect.

Sam

thanks sambro...

i'm still really nervous and scared that i put all that out there for everyone, including the rest of the world, to know this about me... *bleh*....

however, your support, for me, though this means the world to me!!! thank you!

All I know to say is good job! This is a great step to reclaiming something that you need not feel shame for in any way.

Keep making claims to that which is rightfully yours.



Daryl

thanks daryl....

i appreciate your support as well... i really need all the support i can get...

Wow can I identify with that. I'm just getting social enough that it could matter, and I know people can tell. I've just been so terrified of people my whole life.

hi obi, i'm really glad you are expressing yourself and hope you feel comfortable continuing to explore in the safety of this board.

it pains me to read when fellow men can't be sexual selves in this society.

its interesting to me also, how each of us internalize sexuality. where does our "sexual being" come from? i was raised catholic, parents never said a word about sex; but nuns said masturbation was sinful; premarital sex equaled immediate hell when we die; and homosexuality, well you went to a place even worse than hell. however, i did not believe them.

"why?" why didn't this boy who prayed daily to the blessed mother believe the nuns, priests, bible, kids on my block who spread falsehoods; while some of my buddies did fall for sexual myths? well, how will we ever know the answers until men openly discuss, embrace and explore their sexuality?

i'm still waiting for male liberation to take the nation by storm! :-) and i think of how many guys would finally be set free.

Congratulations on sharing - I know it took a lot.

You've taken the first step and now you'll take others. It'll feel scary, uncomfortable and counterintuitive. That's okay - you're so used to living with an unhealthy burden that being healthy will feel uncomfortable at first.

Keep going: you're doing fine.

I'm so very proud of you brother ...so damn proud...have no more words...

thanks to all of you for the support and being proud of me....

it means the world to me to know i have this support...

especially in this area where it's a major issue with me and i'm just now tackling it....

i'll be, hopefully, getting set up with a t here soon within a few weeks to help me further in this issue, as well as other core issues, that are just too big for me to deal with on my own...

i will still need all of you guys here on ms for your support and guidance in this issue... it pains me that i don't have a healthy look at sex yet... however, i'm making attempts at trying to get rid of those thoughts and really branch out beyond my comfort zone!

that's the key point right there.... branch out beyond my comfort zone... wow! i've said those words before and have heard them spoken to me before but this is the first time they have taken on such a deep, strong meaning to me....

yes, i'm terrified to take that step outside my comfort zone....

BUT, DAMNIT!, I'M GOING TO STEP OUT OF THAT COMFORT ZONE!

PM me anytime obi....

Owning our sexual selves and giving ourselves permission to have a true and full erotic life is difficult for most of us. There are always fears and beliefs that hold us back from what we truly feel and desire.

For those of us dealing with abuse our situation is compounded. I feel cut off from the part of me that is allowed to have and enjoy sex. There is a place of physical and sexual abandon, of living in the physical and in the moment *completely* that is so hard to find.

I feel ignorant about sex, and unskilled, and in many ways afraid of its mysteries. Sex can feel dangerous, especially of you've been physically traumatized by abuse and it has become body memories tied to sexual feelings and stimulation.

I was brought up in a very religious family also and sex wasn't discussed at all. In most schools all kids get, if they get anything, is how the plumbing and mechanics of sex and reproduction works. What we don't get is what we really need - an education in how to explore and understand the feelings and reactions of our own bodies, and how to negotiate sex with other people - talking about what we want and need without shame or judgement and learning how *normal* those needs are.

Sex is a very difficult topic for me, and it seems like every movie or TV show has some moment in it when someone reacts to how long it's been since someone last had sex, whether they've ever had sex, etc.. I feel judged, shamed, and abnormal every time this happens.

I can completely understand where you are coming from, Obi. It takes courage to talk honestly about this stuff, and I'm glad and proud to see you doing it.

In 2010 I started talking about sex much more frankly than I ever have before with my therapist and with my CSA group. The WoR in the Redwoods helped kickstart that process by helping me realize the depth of the injury I sustained to my erotic and sexual life. I'm trying to push my comfort level exploring that because if I don't do something different, nothing will ever change. I want to be a sexual being who is fully human and present.

I hope you can give yourself permission to be a journeyman who is learning about sex, his body and his feelings.

-efm

a positive, i think, is that it maybe less difficult for survivors than the general population.

guys who weren't abused may still have all the hangups about sexuality, but without a need to ever examine their past, present, future, they aren't aware an issue exists. so the woman (or guy) in their life doesn't feel like he is fully engaged, but isn't sure why. meanwhile he is not fulfilled and seeks more, but isn't sure why.

we survivors are aware, maybe over aware -- many times over. i also think that awareness is half the reason why i believe survivors have a better success rate with each other in relationships than with non-survivors.

we understand the issues -- we aren't offended by a set back, a bad day, or something else that may send things into a tailspin, because we 'get it.' that is my own theory, no evidence of course so don't ask for stats. ;-)

Obi, you are not alone or strange or crazy or from another planet; you are merely the first to be man enough to take a stand on this topic.
Your words mirror the EXACT situation as MANY of us. The number of affirmative responses your post received in its first 24 hour period says it all.

You are a brave warrior.

Howdy hey Obi-

I come from a place where I was robbed of natural, masculine intimacy and sexuality. My sexuality for me, is today connected to my spiritual being as well.

All those messages and abuse that sidetracked me and denied me healthy sexuality is what I eventually vomited out of my life-that crap doesn't belong inside me.

So move forward thru this and expel all that old stuff handed to you and feel what is deep inside-I have a inner self that awakens when I get rid of old stuff and push thru fear-

And yes, it is okay to explore what your body feels like -no shame. Just
And sure you aren't dredging up the past as you take this journey.

Obi, so impressed with your speaking up. I struggled and still struggle with my sexual feelings. For many years absolutely no intimiate relationships of any kind. It certainly pushed me to the brink - I give thanks that I made it. I am married now and have been for almost 15 years. Sexual issues are still there to be worked through but at least they are getting worked through. It helps having a wonderful partner. I made it clear when we got involved that I was complicated sexually but to tell the truth many people are it seems! - honesty though has been the only way of getting through it for me. It has been hard and still is - even when being together has been truly wonderful (maybe especially then!) Stay strong, see a t and break through that isolation!
best
Peer

Dude you are so brave to be so honest. That is what sexual liberation is all about - owning up to the difficulties we face encountering something so powerful as our basic bodily urges.

G

Obi, I so understand what you shared, you are not alone, thanks so much for sharing, I find my self all over what you have shared. I am man of faith (never beat anyone over the head with it or judge anyone) and I hang on to hope that one day I also be a healthy sexual person. Thank you for being so brave, I am encouraged.

Nas

This has been an eye-opening discussion. Through the years I have talk with friends, researched the resources from professionals, and talked to therapists, and from here, the next question for me is, "So, what IS "normal?" It seems to be a journey regardless of the starting place.

I support you in this Grandson

Howdy, my brother,

It took a lot of guts to post what you have.

Like you my brother, we try and find out just who are we?

What are we? We continually worry about ourselfs as we continue to try and heal. Lots of questions. Lots of anger. Lots of fears. Lots of tears.

I have finally found out about myself. I now know who i am. And i finally know what i am.

My, brother i offer you my compassion, understanding & love, in finding your true self sxually. Your true self.

Heal well, my brother ((((((Todd)))))), heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hnd, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

thanks to everyone who is giving me support on this... it means the world to me...

i'm still nervous that i put it out there but it's getting easier as each day passes and more people show their support...

hopefully, i will come to terms with sex being alright, good, fun and enjoyable and get rid of the thoughts that currently reside in my head that sex is wrong, evil and only used to hurt/abuse people....

someday i will have a healthy view of sex and i'm on my way...

Hello to all! Thanks for your courage about a subject I fear myself. I would like to learn about sex and my sexuality being a gay man. There isn't the local mentor shop around the corner and books seem to be understandable or way too out there.

Where can I get sensible advice about my body, sex, and masturbation?
Thanks,

well for me -- sex went from being in one ditch - to being in the other --------- never really "middle of the road".

csa age 5/6y
collecting pics age 10 +
compulsive mb age (prob age 10 also +)
porn use age 14+
strip joints 18+
NO SEX with ANOTHER PERSON until age 20yo (weird)
Multiple girlfriends age 20-32
Anon sex age 20+
Marriage age 32
Recovery for porn/sex addiction age 49
Sobriety Age 51
CSA Recovery started age 52

How can a sex addict be a virgin at age 20yo???????

I think I will puke now - also.

Foundation:
You may want to check out some of the books by our sex doc, Joe Kort. He's a gay man who knows csa and can address it from a gay perspective. He also does a good job with heterosexuality, particularly for straight men who act out with other men. His bibliography is available in the "ask the sex doc" column here.

Obi and all,
I can identify with the issues in this thread. It took courage to talk about this.

My first reaction is that you are making progress and dealing with blocked feelings about your sexuality that have their roots in abuse.

I was raped by older cousins at age six. After a number of years I forgot about the experience (PTSD amnesia), but it kept affecting me. I can now see that almost everything that occurred in the grooming before I was raped became a big deal for me. I repressed.

I never masturbated when I was a teenager. Never until after I had normal sex. Masturbation was a trigger because my cousins masturbated in front of me during the grooming.

Same with oral sex, even in a relationship. I would stop my girlfriend if she tried with some excuse. Not that it wasn't pleasurable. Again it was a trigger. I guess I was not ready then to remember about my abuse or to deal with it.

So I was shut down sexually in some very specific ways and I was hiding from repressed memories and feelings. I could go on...

But my main point is that this is a sign of progress. You are now letting yourself feel and do things that you weren't allowing before.

You are on your way.
Jim

Hi Obi.

I can relate to almost everything you said...even the medical castration part. I had that very same thought not too long ago...this world is so complicated, and almost ALL of it, in my world, revolves around the complications that sex can bring.

I'm a virgin too btw...and I'm 27, so you are not a freak!

Obi,
you story is totally understandable! I am so scared to have sex...it seems nasty to me (even though it's completely natural). How do people do it, ya know!! I'm happy to be a virgin, but it gets embarrassing when i get pressure from folks that say it doesn't look good for me to still be single. But it's my life and if I'm not comfortable, I need to deal with it in my own time, not theirs! best of luck to you and God Bless!